Flashbacks

Thanksgiving Eve 2020:

I'm not going to lie. I had a breakdown about 1 am. Cried for 2 hours. Told my daughter, Zoe, not to expect anything on Thanksgiving day. I had gone off my meds a few weeks ago totally forgetting I had yet to survive the holidays and clearly realize now that was a mistake. I made some chocolate milk and took my "happy pill".

I was wide awake at 7 am to wash dishes and in the midst of that, I cried more because I thought we didn't have stuffing-- which is the main thing Zoe lives for on turkey day. I felt like a horrible mom.

Then I found a box tucked away behind the cereal boxes.

Crisis averted.

I patted myself on the back, I was a good mom again.

As I washed more dishes random thoughts floated through my head.

I missed not smelling a turkey baking all night. At first that made me angry.

But then I thought last year I had all that with Him and thought that was made life great. I had everything I needed in life. We had the biggest dinner. All the fixings and then some.

The some being the verbal belittling. The occasional push and shove when my daughter wasn't looking. That glare from his eyes that only I knew. When my phone pinged with a message I'd get that glare. There was no use checking my phone, he did it for me. If he didn't like what my family texted I paid the price. Luckily that day everything went smooth, at least with my text messages.

This morning I realize... None of that matters. He doesn't matter anymore. I can bake what I want today, text who I want, and breathe the way I WANT.

Although, I truly do hope he's having a good holiday with his fiance. Or more accurately I hope she is having a safe and good holiday with him.

Sidenote: we are still married and our 2nd wedding anniversary is in a few weeks.

I hope that mentally and physically, he treats her and her kid better than he did us. No one deserves his kind of abuse. Because being under the control of a diagnosed narcissist is one of the most dangerous places to be.

Anyhow, I got up and I finished the dishes. I found the kitchen table again after removing a dozen objects that did not rightly belong on the table. I took a cleaning break to do some decorating on the tree but saving plenty for my daughter to help me with later.

I scanned through the movie list and found my favorite to watch. I was in my happy place sipping hot cocoa with marshmallows and watching Little Women.

It's these times I always began to get sidetracked and start to ponder on my life. Reflecting on how far I have come in so little time. From living on my own three years ago with a job, car, and a cozy place for Daughter and me to rekindling an old love. We were suppose to be building a home and have a dog for Daughter and a nice big yard this year. I was promised a nice big vegetable garden I had been wanting so much. I was promised hand made bookshelves and a window seat to read and write my books in on rainy days. He really got me. He got me to the core of my heart's passions. And that was how he gained control from day one.

But that is not how it went. The monster inside him became so ugly I sent Daughter to my extended family for many months until I escaped his grasp.

So I sat sipping my cocoa, grateful for little things like finding the box of stuffing, having Daughter back with me, and just me sitting there breathing--alive!

So this year this what I find myself thankful for:

1. I'm thankful for last night's meltdown because later I was inspired and wrote 2 poems!! (Haven't written in years. He was jealous of that too (because it took attention away from him )

2. Having my Daughter with me is better than him, a house or garden or anyone else for that matter!

3. Thankful this year I can say and do what I want and talk to family again without being choked or beat on.

4. Thankful and excited for the upcoming Caroling events I have organized for the local nursing homes.

5. Very thankful for the new Facebook friends, Minecraft friends, and writing friends I have made this year.

6. Thankful that if you're reading this you're still here and surviving this pandemic with me .

Whether you had a big turkey to eat, Mac & cheese, or just cereal...

Be thankful and know you're loved and blessed more than many people are!