Five thoughts.

"I don't know". These are the most spoken words in history. These words can make even the Dalai lama angry. I said these words at least three times a day, every single day of my life and now I'm saying these words more than ever.

I left Italy four years ago thinking that I would have travelled for the rest of my life but instead I stopped in the first place I've been: Australia. This place gave me so much and the people I met along the way gave me more than I could ever aspect from anyone I knew before. I loved every single moment here, but made me think, think about me, about what I want and what I believe. So I decided to write my thoughts, maybe one day someone will tell me that is normal that I feel this way and there is nothing wrong with me.

Quick updates on events. The first year I travelled around Australia and I worked in different places doing different jobs, I also worked in Farms where here allowed me to have another year of my Visa to stay in this country, travel and work. At the beginning of my second year I met this guy that now is partner. I live with him since the last three years, I'm not sure that this will be forever but is good for me now, I guess. I left Italy with a degree in Fashion design. I worked as designer, assistant in an office, waitress, baby sitter, fruit picker, cleaner and now I'm a baker and I thought this is it, I found my way. Well, not sure about this either but for now is working well a part from the fact that my back hurts all the time. It's a hard job! I should have known that I guess, but now I feel bad saying the truth, that I don't want to do this either.

You know when people ask you "how do you see yourself in five years?" Well, I see myself I'm just not sure what I'll be doing..

THOUGHT n. 1

And yet is the 22nd of November, 2019 in Sydney.

I’ll find myself again writing about my feelings. I don’t know why is always so hard for me talking about what I really feel, how do I know what I really feel. Honestly I don’t know. It seams always so easy when you hear about people telling stories about how they change their life only believing in themselves and only start really following their emotions. Well I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where I want to be or where I want to go.

What I know is that I'm unhappy now, something is missing and probably what is missing is me. I don’t know who I am, who I want to be. I want to be able to live in Australia for sure, this country helped me feel much better, thats for sure. I know for now I want to live with my partner and be able to really start a life with him, maybe a family. I know I want to be able to travel more, to see more places in the world, even if I travelled already I’m still missing some of the places that I really want to see and the reason ? Money. Of course.

Money is always been the biggest gap in my life, always looking for money, looking for the way to make more in less time and less effort. By the way, never been really good at making money.

I tried different jobs but the reality I think is that I never really picked the right thing for me.

I started studying Art and after that I thought Architecture could be my way but than I quit, I change for Fashion design but again I quit. The truth is that I never even did well this things, I always tried to find the easier way to get away with everything. My parents wanted me to study and I did but didn’t want to. I decided to study just because all the people around me did it. Everyone was so sure about their career and their place in the world, I wasn’t but at the same time I didn’t have someone supporting me and telling me “listen, you are different. You will never study Law or Engineering, get over it. Just take your backpack and go, travel the world and find yourself somewhere else, this place is too small for you.” I think Thats what I needed at the time, but my parents are too old school to even think about it.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, they always wanted the best for me always and they would go to the moon for me but they just did it in the wrong way. I knew I was different from my brothers, I was completely absorbed from the world around me, I wanted to see more, I wanted to know more, more that the little town where I grown up. Is it so crazy? Not now for sure but trust me, 15years ago was kind of crazy.

THOUGHT n. 2

I was such a crazy person back in Italy, a lot of parties, alcohol, weed and a lot of people. I changed a lot while travelling, which is good, because I think I'm almost the best version of myself right now.

I'm in Melbourne for the weekend for the birthday of one of the first people I met here in Australia. We used to work together, we used to drink together every night and we kind of used to be the same kind of people. We are not now.

How weird is when you feel so different from the world around you. I start getting really picky about the kind of people that I want around me and for sure are not the people that I spend the night yesterday. Typical Italian idiot that come to Australia just to get some extra money to get drunk and have casual sex with some random person. why, why the people travel the world to live the same life that you live at home. Same lifestyle, same routine, same people as well. You go around just with the same people that you used to see everyday at home so why coming in the opposite side of the world and ruin everything for the people like me that are here just to experience something completely different, the amazing opportunity of a different country with amazing spot to visit and live. These people probably never even left the city since they are here. Oh my god, sorry I’m complaining to much about these people. I’m just so angry with them because they don’t understand how lucky they are to be here and they don’t even want to know.

I’m so happy that I can actually realise this, I can understand myself how beautiful and rich the world is. I’m shearing my life with someone that is like me, he loves adventures, sports, traveling like me and I'm so lucky for having that with him.

I can complain about these people around me but at the end of the day I’m the lucky one and these people put in front of the truth so actually I have to thank them because they make me realise how amazing my life is. I know, I don’t have the job of my life, sometimes I’m thinking about money too much and maybe I complain too much but at least now I know, I’m the lucky one. I’m experiencing the lifestyle that I wanted to, with something to fix, but I will be fine. I will be happy, I need to trust the nature of life, mother hearth, she will guide me trough the right why, I will not need to do anything, need just to follow my path, that is already written for me. I need just to put all myself to live int he right way and don’t waist the signal that I get from the world.

I’m the lucky one.

THOUGHT n. 3

I don’t even know how many time I found myself thinking too much, what the people could think or could see looking at me. Honestly today I realise that I don’t need this. I don’t need to know what the people think, I need to know what do I think. I want a better version of myself and sometimes I forgot about it. I want to be my hero, I want to look at the mirror and say “i wouldn’t be anyone else beside me”. But now is not like this, I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of being weak and so is what I am. I just feel so hard just believe that much in what I can do, I know I’m not stupid and I can do many things to make that happen but maybe I just don't want to .

THOUGHT n. 4

I started surfing after the first year I was here in Austrlia. I've done once in California but definitely didn't go well. Now my partner is helping me learning and I'm really greatful for that because this is one of the most amazing sports and experience that someone can do.

And now surfing is getting pretty exciting for me, now that I feel more confident and I can really enjoy the wave from the first moment to the end I can say how amazing it is. The feeling and power just being on the wave is just insane. I feel like I can do everything and nobody can stop me. I feel that I can be anyone and I can achieve anything.

It’s a peaceful place the ocean, It’s unbelievable how calm can make you feel. Every time there is something wrong or I’m upset about something I just need to get in the water and listen to the waves, that make me feel in paradise.

THOUGHT n. 5

Is the 24th of December, 2019 in Sydney.

Why do we feel forced to be happy and celebrate Christmas with our family?

Honestly I’m really happy that this year I’ll be here in Australia and I’ll spend my Christmas with the person I love the most, and some friends.

Is always really hard to find people around the world that you can actually call family, this is probably the reason why sometimes I feel lonely but again is just someone else that put this idea in my head. I don’t have to follow anyones life, I have to build my own traditions with the people I want to live with. You don’t choose your family but your friends.

I love my family but they always been very judgemental with me, I was always the one doing the wrong things, making the wrong choice. Maybe they are right, Maybe I never really knew what I was doing but who knows?

I always thought that I actually had something wrong that made me take wrong decisions. The truth? I realise that I always choose everything trying to prove something to someone else but never for myself.

I honestly don’t remember a super happy childhood, not that bad like you can think. My parents were always there, sometimes even too much, I always had what I wanted and I never starve. The only problem was that I was never enough. I always felt something was wrong with me. I was bullied front eh kids at school until I was 15 years old. My mother never realise that actually nobody did. I was keeping this stuff for myself because in my family that would look weak and because I was trying to prove how good I was I need it to keep the secret. One of my classmate slapped me once and everyday they made fun of me for how I dressed,”like a boy” they said. I though was just comfy. Well I always tried to prove to others how good I was but the truth is that I was never that good, I gave up. I used to be good at school but than I gave up, I hated school. I never had friends there, I find friends out of my school, they used to go in some other institutes and anyway was probably better, at least they didn’t see the loser I was. But I lied. I lied to them, to my family, to everyone.

I always find excuses to never finish something or just because I was too lazy. I don’t know why.

I drop university after 6months just because I change classes and I didn’t like the people anymore, I felt lonely and I though I could never go trough 3years of Uni without friends, again.. I didn’t even try to find friends. I just met three assholes and I thought “okay, these people are not for me”.

I decided to study Fashion design in private school because I didn’t get in the other one and I was too lazy to try the test again for the third time and say to my parents “I failed, again”.

I know they always wanted more from me and they are not very happy about me, I have disappointed them. They thought I was smart and I could do anything, the truth ?

“Mum and Dad, I’m sorry because I’m not that smart like you wanted me to be. I know I have other skills. I’m good with people once I feel confident, I love art, sports and travels. I’m not an academic person, I’m more “practical”. Try to love me for what I am.

Today I don’t know who I am, maybe tomorrow I’ll finally find the answer, I don’t know.

What I know is that I want to be free, I want to bee free to change myself everyday and feel free to have a family in the opposite side of world. I don’t ever know what I want.You’ll be the first to know I swear”.