Finding Myself, Through Torturing Myself...Voluntarily.

and I don't know who I am.

Hours spent watching documentaries on everything from Gwen's Goop, to not F'n with Cats, Podcasts from William Hollick to Les Brown... and I'm still lost.

Meditation to affirmations, books on the subjects of Pitta and Kapha's by Kate Hudson, and learning to be a spinster from Kate Bolick.

I still dont know who I am. Job's I hate, and diets that are supposed to change your life, green smoothies that are to purify my mind and body.... I don't know what the missing link is. Where am I supposed to be? I witness other's succeeding in business, in their educations, moving around the World and milking the shit out of life's teets. I'm unemployed, single mom who's ex husband is dating someone new and I can't even commit to a pair of jeans. The weather is what I blame everything on currently with the snow and the cold, and my ability to eat more and more while losing myself in Sabrina marathons, ( Season 3 made me lose my mind by the way, so good.)

So I've decided this is going to be the creation of something different, the start of one woman's rock bottom to a self motivated rise to the top. I may fail, hell i'm sure I will fail numerous times, but I want to make a real, honest attempt at what it really is like to be literally at the end of someone's rope.

Full disclosure, I've been in a head space of taking my life, it creeped into my mind yesterday as I was informed I lost my job. I was standing in my living room, bag all packed for our work "weekend trip," when I got the call. My boss and my manager informed me that I was not only disinvited on this trip, but I was also let go. I thought they were joking, I actually expected them to tell me it was a punk, and to start laughing at any second. But that laughter never came. I heard myself, tight throat, and high pitched voice forcing control as to not cry say " Ok, thank you."

REALLY? I said thank you, thank you for firing me. That's how worthless I felt in that moment, so small, that I thanked them for firing me. I knew in that moment, that I needed to change something. SOMETHING has to become greater than this mental vise that is crushing my skull. Feeling that I am meant for more, that we as integral human's are created for more than the grind. My anxiety and depression is getting to a point of needing medication and I really want to avoid that.

This is also on the heels of the person I was seeing, letting me know that they wanted to break it off so they can play with a poly group. A group of men and women who want to play with him, BDSM, etc and he wants multiple women. He wants mutliple women over just me, so thanks for everything but I want this instead.

So needless to say, I am challenging my self worth and determined to figure out how to find my self love. This is something I feel plagues women and men more than they will talk about, and this is my journey, no one else's but this is the platform that I've chosen to expand my awareness and find out what serves my purpose, and fuels my why.

So to start.... I've decided to study and try the Wim Hof method.

For those of you who do not know who Wim Hof is, google the shit out of it. He is pretty impressive and his theory is really really unique. The basis of his method is that one can control their Immune and Nervous system through breathing techniques and cold therapy. The idea is that you can literally stave off sickness, and become the master of your own mind and body with this training. He has an audio book, and I intend to listen to it during my day and on my drives to do errands.

Tomorrow shall be day one, combined with morning afirmation meditation and some yoga I'm excited to see what benefits I can reap from Mr. Hof.

Here we go...