Finally...

FINALLY....

The smell of salt in the air, the feeling of sand and rock beneath me. I am free of all of the horrors that I have been forced to endure in my time here. All of the mistakes and regrets that I have made since coming here, washed away just like the tide. By closing my eyes, my chest finally relaxes; I can finally breathe. I am finally at peace...

Wait...

The smell of salt turns. The feeling beneath me turns. "But what about all of those people who you hurt in the process? What about them? You have altered their lives forever and that can not be erased." My most inner thoughts are against me. I try to reach up for air but they constantly drown me in sorrow and despair.

I am being tossed around like the waves; all-ruling and unforgiving. Thoughts in my head are being shifted back and forth to what was and what could have been, back to what is now. Back and forth. Back and forth. I am getting seasick on this vessel towards open water, hoping no one will find me; but giving in anyway, in hopes that I might find peace in the silence. In hopes that I might find peace among the shattered skulls of everyone that has fought this fight before me.

"Get it together," I exclaim out loud. "You have done the work and you will be free." Claiming out my intentions is supposed to help me fight this, what I'm feeling; but convincing myself is harder than it looks. My mind's eye plays those memories and suddenly I'm back.

The smell of blood, the feeling of the chair beneath me. All of the horrors come rushing back and I can not breathe. I can not think, I can not speak.

"I have to open my eyes," I think as I will myself to do so. "I HAVE to open my eyes and then it will go away." I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't----

My mind races and suddenly I see him. Memories come flooding back; the good, the bad, and the ugly. “Why can’t you love me the way I’ve always loved you?”,“I have given you all that you have wanted, is it enough?”, “If I can’t have you, then nobody will.” Reality is altered and I am stuck in that place. I can’t get out, I can’t breathe, I can’t move. The only thing he will let me do is to sit there.

The sounds come next. Outside and across the courtyard, I hear them; very faintly, but I hear them. Screams come from all sides of the room we're in. Lifeless, I sit. As I feel the warm stream of blood come across my cheek, I have no remorse for what I did. "Tell me!" He screams. "Tell me why you can't love me!" Another slap. "I can not love you because of what you do to us. To all of us. This is no way to live! You must see it." I am surprised that my voice is so strong, considering the fear I feel inside. All of it was worth it, to see the smile on her face as she fled from this place; all of the hope and joy she had to be free once more.

The next thing I remember is waking up, on that same sand-covered rock. With a deep breath comes the salty-sweet smell that only comes with the ocean. I dare not open my eyes; not yet. I want to savor this moment between then and now, I want to remember this feeling. The feeling of freedom. The feeling of relief. The feeling of pure peace. Sunlight floods my eyes as I open them. Opening up to all the possibilities. I can get through this. I will get through this. I will become the person I want to be. I will not accept anything less.

Finally….I am free.