Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway

How did I get myself in this mess? I do not know what I was thinking! Why would I think I could win this contest?” Monee thought to herself, as she stood backstage watching a contestant recite their poem. The audience was vast, filled with other college students, prestigious professors, family, and friends there to cheer on the contestants in the poetry slam.

“Wow, she’s good! She has a captivating voice and such poignant words.” Monee’s daunting thoughts were pounding inside her head as her cold body shook while she admired the poet’s performance.

“It was one thing to make the crazy decision to finish college in my forties. But for me to sign up for this poetry slam contest was insane! I should have just asked for the straight jacket and saved myself this embarrassment!” Monee looked around the immense auditorium.

Panic-stricken, she felt like she was standing in line to get on the most dangerous roller coaster in the amusement park. However, she no longer was feeling the courage to seek the thrill of the ride. Monee wanted so badly to turn around and walk back through the line of contestants standing behind her and return to her comfort zone of mediocrity. Just as she got the nerve to make her escape, the loud applause of the audience detained her. Heart pounding and not breathing while she waited to hear the host announce the next contestant to perform.

Monee sighed with relief when she heard the host announce another poet’s name. She really wanted to leave, but deep down inside she knew that if she did not perform, she would never know if she could have won. She also needed to win the first-place prize, which was a five-thousand-dollar scholarship. Monee needed that money to pay the remaining balance of her tuition. She had one more semester to complete and she would finally have her bachelor’s degree.

Monee knew she was on the verge of burnout. She was working two part-time jobs, raising three children, and attending college full time. But she had a burning desire to make her dreams come true. She desperately needed a breakthrough in her life. Accomplishing her long-term goal of getting her degree would be the rocket that will launch her new career as a journalist. Unfortunately, after losing her second job, she cannot afford to pay the remaining balance of her tuition.

Writing and poetry have always been Monee’s passion. However, when she met her now ex-husband in her freshman year of college and discovered that she was pregnant, she gave up her dreams to put her family first. Her education and her dreams became whispers of the past.

“Yes! Ladies and Gentlemen give it up again for Peter Selsky! Great job, Peter!” The host yelled. The audience cheered as Monee’s mind drifted, and the ovation of the crowd faded. Her mind traveled to a dark time in her past.

“Who do you think you are! Huh? You think you are better than me because you got on that stage tonight?” echoed the cruel voice of Monee’s ex-husband.

Monee was having a flashback to the first time she performed at a poetry slam. She had already birthed her third child and wanted to incorporate her passion of spoken word back into her life. Her husband deceived her, convincing her he supported her ambition. However, once they arrived home after the poetry slam, he revealed his truth.

“No, I don’t think I am better than you. I- I just wanted to...” Monee explained, but her husband interrupted shouting, “You are so selfish!” She erupted into tears.

“You are no good at that spoken word stuff! Just give it up!” He shouted angrily as he walked out of the room and slammed the door. Devastated and discouraged, Monee lost her voice that night and could not speak for a week.

Monee began coughing hysterically. Then she heard someone whisper her name and felt a soft touch on her right shoulder. Monee snapped out of the painful flashback and spun around to see who was touching her. She saw the other contestants huddled several feet behind her, but no one was near her. As showtime approached, both Monee’s knees and spirit buckled. Legs weak, she walked to a nearby bench for refuge. Wiping tears from her face, Monee scanned the room, hoping to find the nearest exit door. It was then she noticed that the ladies’ restroom was down the hall. She jumped up, propelling herself through the door. Monee’s thoughts and past failures tormented her.

“I can’t do this! I have written poetry most of my life, and no one has ever read them! I performed spoken word one time and I lost twice that night! These students are great spoken word poets that have been competing for years! What if I get on stage and forget the words to Maya Angelou’s poem? What if I freeze? That will be a disaster!”

Monee worked on reciting her own poem for months, agonizing and critiquing her poem and performance. She didn’t believe her poem was good enough to win. Three weeks before the poetry slam, she decided to perform Maya Angelou’s poem “Still I Rise” instead. She quickly threw some cold water on her face and looked at herself deeply in the mirror. Monee brought a huge breath of air into her lungs and exhaled slowly.

“You can do this Monee, you are able! Believe in yourself and know that you have already won!” Monee knew that soft voice. It was the same voice that she hears when she writes. The same soft voice that gave her the strength to leave her ex-husband. It was her inner guidance.

Monee took another huge deep inhale and exhaled slowly. “I can do this!” she shouted out loud and marched out of the bathroom like a wounded warrior ready for battle. Before she got another chance to second guess herself as she walked closer to the stage, a few of the students approached her.

“Monee! Mr. Shadrack is calling for you. It is your turn to perform! Hurry!” Shouted Alisa, who had just finished performing. Monee ran towards the stage.

“Monee! Monee!” Monee stopped and turned around to see who was calling her name. It was Professor Benjamin, her English Literature teacher. He rushed towards her, waving a small black notebook in his hand.

“I believe you dropped this?” Professor Benjamin handed her the notebook. The small book looked ancient. Monee was confused because it was not her book. However, she had no time to waste, so she took the book and ran on stage. Mr. Shadrack sighed, relieved that she had made it on stage. He announced her name one last time before he hurried backstage. Monee stood there in front of the microphone and the audience’s welcoming applause diminished into a haunting silence.

Monee felt her heart racing, her palms were sweaty, she reminded herself to take a deep breath. Then she opened her mouth.

“You may…” Monee froze. She could not complete the famous first line of the poem, “Still I Rise.” Her squinted eyes searched the audience, but the bright lights were blinding. She lifted her right hand to wipe the bead of sweat that was trickling down her forehead. She realized she was still holding the little black book that the professor had given her. Monee opened the book and there was only one page inside. On that page in large black letters were the words, “Trust and Believe in Yourself. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!”

Monee gasped; she knew those words of wisdom were for her. She dropped the book and stepped closer to the microphone.

“This is a poem I wrote a few years ago when I needed some encouragement. I hope you will enjoy it.” Monee cleared her throat and closed her eyes.

“I am Able. I have wandered through history swift and wide. I am where only the humble will look… inside.” She paused.

“I am Able. I am the brother of a murder, liar, and thief. I am Able. Whom Cain refused to be.” Her voice was louder and strong. She could feel that she had captured the attention of the audience and refused to let it go.

“I am Able. What every mother must be!” Monee declared with a tone of encouragement and confidence.

Monee exclaimed, “I am Able, existing without excuses, they cannot live with me!” Stomping her feet on the hard wooden stage and putting her hands on her hips in her superhero stance; she was unstoppable. The chains of the doubt and disbelief that had her in bondage fell away. She took an empowering breath and said,

“I am Able, with Truth is where you will find me. Honor and Integrity are my best friends.”

“I am Able!” Monee declared, scanning the audience from the left side of the auditorium to the right.

“I am Able, only with Faith will you ever meet me!” Monee paused, tears began rolling down her cheeks. She raised both her arms high and wide. She opened her mouth and declared in a tone of liberation,

“I am Able, also known as Ability!”

There was a moment of utter silence and then it happened… the audience erupted into a boisterous celebration of approval! Her body was shaking; the energy of achievement pulsating through her soul. Monee felt as if she had just completed a marathon and had just broken through the finish line ribbon. Suddenly, before she knew what was happening, the host lifted her up with a huge embrace.

“Amazing Poem! You are brilliant!” Mr. Shadrack shouted. Monee was in awe. The audience was standing to their feet, clapping and shouting her name!

The judges walked out on stage and the host placed Monee back on her feet. He ordered all the other contestants to join them on stage. The host handed the mic to Miss Crawly, one of the poetry slam judges.

“By unanimous vote, we have a winner!” Ms. Crawly announced. “What an amazing group of talent that was displayed here tonight! Unfortunately, there can only be one first place winner. Congratulations Monee Green! Your prize is a $5,000 scholarship to assist with your tuition expenses!”

Ms. Crawly hands Monee a paper check.

“I won! I won!” Monee cried out. Jumping up and down, waving the check in her hands. Tears were streaming down her face. She never knew what it felt like to win something. She was overjoyed.

Suddenly something strange happened.

“Monee, I am sorry, but I am going to have to ask you for the check back.” Ms. Crawly said as she grabbed the check and tore it up into several pieces. Monee’s mouth dropped wide open. She could not believe what was happening! The audience booed. But before Monee could say anything, Mr. Guise, one of the judges said,

“Listen up, everyone! The initial winning prize was a five-thousand-dollar scholarship. However, the grandson of the J.W. Baldwin and chairperson of the J. W. Baldwin Poet & Literary Scholarship Fund, announced before the contest started, that he is contributing an additional fifteen thousand dollars to the first-place winner! For a large total of a twenty-thousand-dollar grand prize! Congratulations Monee!” Mr. Guise revealed.

The audience roared as two more judges came out on stage carrying an oversized check with “Twenty-Thousand Dollars” written on it. The judges walked over to Monee with the check and Monee fell to her knees! She could not believe it! Her three children rushed to the stage, embracing her.

“Monee, how do you feel? Anything you would like to say as the 2021 J.W. Baldwin Poetry Slam Grand prize winner?” Mr. Guise asked.

“I never expected this, I almost walked out and didn’t perform. But I could not give up! I felt the fear and did it anyway! I am Able!” Monee declared, hugging her children.