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Fed Up with my Anxiety

by Savannah Martinez 2 months ago in healing
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The Ramblings of a 25-Year-Old

At 25 years old, I’ve decided to stop putting myself under unnecessary amounts of pressure. As an anxious person, this is easier said than done. I always have a feeling that I’m letting people down around me if I'm not meeting their expectations. Well, really what I think their expectations are. I have spent my life since graduating high school focusing on what I ‘should’ do to make more money, to be respected, blah blah blah.

You get it. You’ve probably done this to some extent in one way or another.

I have been unemployed for several months now after following a move to a new state. I am applying for the same jobs I would have applied to 5 years ago. Food service, customer service in general, etc. Those jobs can become great careers, but I’ve never wanted them to be mine. I’ve always wanted to do something “creative” but have never narrowed down what that means for me.

Anytime in the past when I have tried to pursue a degree or one of my several passion projects, I would simply give up. When I do things, I want to do them right. I want to be the best. But doing things right the first time around has only led me to disappointment. Therefore, I chose not to do them at all, feeding into my self-perpetuated cycle. Back at the start, time and time again.

After applying for dozens of jobs, feeling little to no excitement at the positions I had been applying for, it became very clear to me that I will continue to do this if something doesn’t change. If I don’t change. If I don’t want to keep this up, I need to prove it to myself.

In danger of sounding like a self-help book - no shade, just not what I’m trying to do here - I have realized that if I don’t like certain aspects of my life, I can take a look at them and see how I can change them. I can’t do much to change the fact that my Dad is dead. That’s not changing and to be quite frank, I don’t want it to. But I have a say in how I deal with it. At the end of the day, my life is up to me. I can either let the things that have happened in my past to continue to knock me down, or I can choose to push through it.

When I was in high school, I wrote all the time. I would write stories for my friends, enjoyed every essay I wrote, and fell in love with writing even more in my first creative writing class. I invested myself in the stories I would write or in the research required to finish an essay. Not to subject myself to flattery or anything, but my work would always be used by teachers as an example of how to express voice in a body of work.

So tell me why I graduated and haven’t written anything since?

I went through a bout of depression following graduation and my first break-up, as many 18-year-olds do, but that doesn’t explain why I gave up this passion of mine for 7 years. I’ve lost so much of what I had then. I know I’m romanticizing the hell out of it and I probably was decent at best, but I don’t care about that. I know that to get back into this, I’m going to be terrible at it, and accepting that fact is what has allowed me to pick it back up again.

Using my reasons as excuses to keep myself down has done nothing for me.

I’m using vocal as a way to get back to what I love. I don’t want to be 70 thinking, ‘I should have written that novel.’ It’s cliche but I don’t care. That doesn’t make it an invalid motivation. I’m done with pushing myself into a shape I don’t feel comfortable in. Then feeling bad when I break. I’m ready to push myself and see what I can do with this.

healing

About the author

Savannah Martinez

Reclaiming my love of writing while telling my inner critic to suck it.

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Comments (8)

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  • Amy Hallabout a month ago

    I wanted to add that there were many unnecessary apologies hidden in your work. Dont apologize for what you wrote :) its your anxiety try to counter those feelings of needing to explain yourself too much and just shine through unapologetically. That can be learned too. Keep going!

  • Amy Hallabout a month ago

    I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, bi polar, ptsd, ADHD. I can relate. Your content is powerful but can speak louder with a different style inmy opinion. Not at all saying anything b ad just constructive criticism to help ypu improve. Some parts didn't have a definite flow to it and theres a part i had to read a few times because it ran on rather than punctuate but the words and feelings bleeding out were present and that honey is the one thing a writer cannot fake. YOU HAVE PASSION the rest can be taught. Beautiful work i can't wait to read more as I have subscribed 😊

  • animetipzabout a month ago

    Wishing you the best of luck with your writing journey! I can't say I know exactly how you feel but I relate to what you were saying. I've allowed life, anxiety, and adulthood to stop me from doing what I love to do. I am proud you're getting after your passions again!

  • J. A. Ishibakaabout a month ago

    Well I needed to read this today. Thank you for expressing the struggle with anxiety monsters and lost years away from the craft. It’s encouraging to see other writers push past those challenges because hey, maybe that can be me one day too. Keep pushing forward, right? 😊

  • Nicolas Martinezabout a month ago

    Great read and I relate to a lot of this. Especially the perfectionist aspect. Allowing yourself to be bad is the only way to get gooder :)

  • Marie Ormerodabout a month ago

    Really enjoyed this article. You are the same age as my daughter and are articulating what she is feeling and going through so well...not with writing but with her own talents and insecurities. I will be recommending that she read this and thank you for expressing yourself so well. Keep on pushing!! I know you have it in you!!

  • Jeffrey about a month ago

    Hang in there and keep writing friend. Enjoyed the read.

  • gongkai2about a month ago

    加油

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