Fear Is Strong, Drive Is Stronger

I have not written in a long time but I needed a better outlet to do it. This last year has been amazing and sucked all at the same time. I have been dumped, broken off with people, lost friends, but I have also discovered a new side of myself that I forgot existed. Eight years ago I picked up my life and moved to Hawaii for school. I was terrified that I would not make friends. I was all alone and I knew no one. It took a few weeks and I found a group of friends that I still consider family. They got me out adventuring. Hiking in places I never would have gone on my own. I learned that some things about myself I never knew existed. I could climb up rocks, swim in rivers, hike mountains... then something changed in me. I got into a funk. I was in a long term relationship, and we lost our selves. I started becoming afraid to do things on my own. I wouldn't even go shopping alone. It was bad. We broke things off and I started to get better... for awhile. But a few months later, I fell into another long term relationship; except this was different. We stayed together for three and a half years, moved across an ocean together.

I thought for the longest time I could convince him to be the one I wanted, to spend my life with. But things eventually got bad, really bad and he realized I was not happy and neither was he. We split up.

It broke me. I couldn't even tell who I was anymore. I was scared of everything. I did not want to be alone in my own apartment, my own thoughts scared me. I didn't know who I could trust in my friends, my physical appearance was bad. I had no confidence in anything but my work. I was lost, I had no where to live, no car, and I had no energy to do anything.

Until one of my friends, now my best friend and roommate, sort of came to my rescue. I hate using that phrase, but its true. He rescued me from myself. He offered to move into an apartment with me. He also got me back out in nature, took me on easy adventures, easy hikes. He also taught me how to go camping. For a long time I kept wanting to go on adventures to show him I could do it, I could keep up with him...more and more though the trips and hikes and adventures became about what I thought I could do.

I wanted initially to prove to him that I was awesome. But I realized he, and most of my friends, already knew I could do it. So I stopped using him as my reason, and started to want to do things for myself.

Two moments stick out where my mindset changed. Living with someone who loves to be outdoors is amazing. But also its a little bit intimidating. Someone who is extremely active and can do crazy things, while I... cannot. Or at least I thought in the beginning that I couldn't.

Over a few months I started to enjoy being back in nature. And we decided to do a camping trip to the area near Lassen National Park. I wanted to hike to a high peak, Lassen is 10,457 ft in elevation. My roommate had already done it once, so he knew he could do it, but I had't hike in high elevation in years. I didn't know I could do it, but I wanted to try. It took me almost three hours to get up to the summit. When I got to the top, I thought "well fuck Allie, you can do it, what has been stopping you." I realized I was so scared to try new things because I had gotten complacent in an easy life... I realized then, I do not want an easy life. I want to explore and see the world. I just needed a way to do it and I needed to know if my skills would save me.

That was the moment I started to do things for myself and not for my roommates approval. The next defining moment was when over a few days. I started to fall back onto self deprecating behaviors, tearing myself down and losing the confidence I had worked so hard to get. After many life talks with my roommate and with myself, I realized if I just stop thinking so much about how I can fix myself and just enjoy my life, go hiking and be in the moments I will become who I want to be.

Fear is hard to overcome, and some things never get easier. But my drive to be a happy, positive person is stronger than my fear. I have and will continue to put myself in positions to try new things; and even if it terrifies me I know I will come out on top.

More later. Thanks for reading!

"Do one thing that scares you every day"