fear, and good habits

i'm on the verge of a breakthrough.

(and while some people prefer to pay for professional help to hash out such thoughts in a private, and safe environment, i'm going to work it out on the internet) #rebel

i live with this internal conflict of "knowing better," but not "doing better" for myself. i'll preach and advise everyone who asks me how to better themselves or their lives, but when it comes to living out what i'm teaching, boy- am i struggling.

i went through a list of my perceived fears and tried to associate my judgment of these things with a particular REASON or EVENT or PERSON in my life.

then, i thought about my time as an operations and marketing consultant: i would pride myself on underscoring the importance of routine and consistency, in order to move the business further. how to consistently hit the basic requirements necessary - build a sturdy foundation in order to move to the next level. then the importance of building an autonomous way of operating while also minimizing the margins of error, taking inventory of what resources you have, and setting attainable, numerical, traceable goals.

this feels like a living example of the saying, "those who can't do, teach." here i am, telling people the importance of the concepts i personally have trouble with.

when i was able to take an objective look at my life, and an honest assessment of how i got to where i am now, i feel burned by routine.

i feel burned by expectations, the opposite of habit seemed to be freedom. but this is false.

the opposite of habit is emotion-fueled random chaos

habit is a display of mastery of emotions

i have seen so many people stuck in a routine or habit that does not benefit them. i have tried my hardest to try to explain, to preach about, and shake them out of the habits they're in.

i see how hard it is and how much courage is involved, in breaking that habit. i feel like i'm protecting myself from ever having to experience that, and the potential that someone could view me and say "poor girl, she's in her own way."

but there has to be a balance here. just as there are different levels of emotions, processes, information, etc., there are different contexts for good and bad habits. and the intention behind them.

do you stay stuck in a bad habit because you're too scared to succeed?

do you stay stuck in a bad habit just because it's comfortable?

i know that typing all this out is what i needed to do most of all - acknowledge it and be aware.

and i am grateful and appreciative for the opportunity i do have in order to get my words out.

thank you.