Expect Miracles

July 10th 2021, I came out of hospital and I was finally free. Free from people telling me, "It's all downhill from here". I heard a nurse tell me if I don't eat, I will have to have a feeding tube. I watched a man who was with a family member only realising that he was going to die soon.

Why do I tell you all this?

Well, everyone who has cancer is different. Every cancer is different and everyone is different. Life is not one size fits all and I won't be treated like that.

I only wanted positive vibes and positive people around me, in hospital and just generally in life. I only wanted beneficial information. Not the leaflet that says if you are between 30-40 read this and what to do to plan your bereavement.

I had multiple myeloma which is blood cancer and bone cancer and more common in the elderly. Here I am telling you I HAD!!! cancer and I'm so grateful to say that. There is a lot of information out there about how you are going to feel. How you are going to be depressed and how you should keep it a secret. Please whatever you do. Don't listen.

I have been very open about my struggles and strengths. My wishes and my wants and I want more people to talk about it. I wanted to be treated like anyone else and I won't let cancer ruin my life or define me.

I'm here to say there is life at the end of the tunnel. Firstly, I feel better than I have ever felt after chemo and my stem cell transplant. With zero pain now and zero paracetamol. This is a miracle alone that no one acknowledged.

Secondly after hearing that there were athletes who trained in the Olympics who carried on training while having chemo. I was inspired and intrigued into a place where miracles do happen with cancer survivors and it's not talked about it's just yeah right get on with it.

I came home and the first thing was I lost my hair. I text my brother and said come home and help me shave my head. He text back straight away and before I knew it, I felt like a new woman. My energy shifted from I have lost something to this is a new start. My brother reminded me of the number of celebs who shave their hair off and started again is quite common.

Having no hair does not mean you are not you. I loved my hair and took so much pride in having it long but I have to say putting on sunglasses and pretending to be Amber rose is fun too. Or any other model who is confident with no hair. I never wanted a wig or a headscarf to cover something that is normal.

Some people have asked me "how long will it take to grow your hair back" to which I responded, "how long is a piece of string" which is my mum’s favourite thing to say when the answer could be anything. After talking to a friend who had cancer also and celebrates her (cancerversary) , she said one year of fluff and then I will grow the longest hair I have ever seen and the fact that I use hair growth shampoo will only make it better.

The first week I loved it and then dressing up and going out for dinner was not quite the same. Luckily enough I have amazing friends who don’t let me go anywhere without calling me beautiful. I went on a date and I missed the feel of swishing my hair behind my shoulder. I missed playing with it for no reason, however, that doesn’t mean I can’t smile more or play with my bracelet while the meal is on its way.

I will admit that after chemo I personally felt quite numb. Numb to the no sex drive, numb to crying about the fact that a lot has been taken away. Numb to the fact that I have put on weight and I feel tired and not as strong as anyone else in great health. However, the numbness is an illusion because what it really is, is a rebirth and it's time to start again a chance to really evaluate everything and realise that everything will come back in perfect timing.

I was feeling tired, demotivated, and confused. I started taking hair and energy capsules from Australia which worked wonders. The moment I didn't take them I wanted to crawl into bed and never get out again. After doing some research I found out that the capsules had sea kelp in them, which is an antioxidant and helps to prevent cancer.

I sit and think about how lucky I am to be alive and how grateful I am to hear my own breath. The gratitude I have grows every day for little things that I never really appreciated before. Practicing gratitude every day has changed my mental health and made me love my life to the fullest.

I still journal and keep my mindset pure and positive. I'm so thankful my family never told me when I was sick about the doctor who said I have 5 more years to live. Positivity is a rare find and a gift only some can hold on to. The world breaks all of us in so many ways but like the child who just found out her goldfish died. Or the boy who accidentally let go of his balloon to watch it drift off in the distance. We should all be protected from the negativity some are so clever at dishing out so easily. I thank my mum and dad they didn't break my heart when theirs was breaking.

I would not be here if it wasn't for the loving and caring support of my family and opening up to my friends, shouting from the rooftops what was going on with me. Sharing with someone else about my cancer did not make me feel any better and it doesn't help to be the youngest in the daycare unit every time you have a blood test.

I have learned to accept everything as you cannot complain when you are alive! you cannot say I wish it was like this or I wish it could have been easier. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I'm grateful I had no surgeries or other complications.

So why did I write this blog!

Well, I want to help someone out there anyone going through chemo, just had chemo or just about to have it. It's not as scary as everyone says. Yes, it makes you feel sick and tired and it’s like someone said it's time to take a step back and that's how I see it. Just know that the body is much stronger than you think before, during, and after we are capable of more than you will ever know. From someone who can’t stand the pain, needles, machines, or anything to do with treatment. I am glad it's all done and behind me and if someone can do it while training for the Olympics then anything is possible.

Because you don’t hear about the great stories, the tough stories, or the ones that saw the other side and went for it because we are all smacked in the face by the celebs who kept it a secret. Didn’t want anyone to know and didn’t want to appear weak. Only in my weakness have I found my strength and I will continue to do so. So, this is for you, for a friend a family member, or anyone you know battling cancer their death date is not decided by a doctor and they won’t tell you the success stories and how to get through it so let me be your inspiration to keep going keep pushing and see you on the sunny side!

The rest of your life is excitedly waiting for you!!!!!!

If this blog helped you in any way I would love to hear how, message me on Instagram @yessicaxjessica and please leave a tip.

Sending you love and light now and every day

love Jessica x