Everyone Deserves Happiness

Everyone Deserves Happiness

One thing I always loved is paper the smell, the feel, there was only one thing that topped my love of paper…NOTEBOOKS!!! Oh, notebooks are wonderful, though my family and friends are sweet, but misguided in this aspect of my love of notebooks. They think it is the cute quote, the pretty pictures or since I am an artist the handmade notebook. It is the classic notebook that makes my heartstrings sing with the hard cover and rounded corners and if there’s an elastic enclosure, I feel giddy just thinking, it just makes things feel so extravagant. The gifts of common notebooks though sweet are never used. They remain boxed up to either be secretly regifted to others or the possibility of someday gaining my favor.

I was on my way to do some shopping for necessities, as always, I was drawn to the notebook aisle to marvel and experience the notebooks. Perusing the beautiful notebooks touching and feeling each one and loving how each felt.

Continuing to look at each notebook. I decided to go with a small black one being how it is how I felt right now. I was still left unfeeling like a black hole, a black empty void, lacking feeling, lacking emotions. Once full of life and full of happiness and joy it was slowly ripped from me in a mentally abusive relationship that I did not see because it slowly ate away at me until one day there was nothing left.

Until the day my husband’s phone buzzed. I found out he had spent his “sick day” sending sex messages back and forth to a woman. Too sick to text me back if he had a preference for dinner but enough energy for something else to eat. It was the jolt I needed, the defibrillator, if you will. I needed to remove what was eating me alive. He was shocked, thought it was temporary. I knew it was not. If I had been allowed to keep my notebooks and been allowed to journal, I would have seen though his words, his plans and saw his abuse sooner. I would have righted my off-kilter world before its shift to out of control.

Oh, that was it I needed a new notebook. It could not be an ordinary notebook it had to be a great notebook one of the Moleskine notebooks that held memories, thoughts, organized, with place for my thoughts, even if it was just to-do lists. The tactile touch of a good notebook helps life fall into place.

Ordinary cheap notebooks with their cheap paper just do not feel right. It has to be high quality paper. I cannot stand to touch the cheap quality of paper in notebooks found in most places. Since the notebook molds to become part of the owner why not make it something beautiful on the inside and smooth and silky and wonderful feeling like I used to feel.

I picked up a Moleskine notebook with a hard black cover with rounded corners and an elastic closure it was almost orgasmic how it fit perfectly in my hand. It’s amazing what a good notebook can do. It is essential to organizing, keeping stress levels low because all is kept in the notebook and not in my head. It’s small black shape also fit perfectly in my purse.

I took the Moleskine notebook to the front counter and paid for it feeling the soft coolness of how the notebook felt in my hand. Eager to open the notebook and get started I walked out to the car enjoying the cool breeze of the day. Gently taking the notebook out of the bag and opening the Moleskine notebook to the front cover to truly appreciate the artful execution of making such a fine notebook. That was the first time I noticed there was an "in case of loss" notice with space to jot down a reward. I was torn should I write my name, what if I wrote my deepest darkest most hurtful secrets and lost the notebook and it was read and traced back to me? On the other hand, what if I used the notebook to just write to do lists and appointments, that could be damaging if I did not know when to show up where if I misplaced my notebook. As I was caressing my fingers over the front cover, there is an indent, like someone had used the inside of my brand-new notebook as the surface to write on their own piece of paper! Oh, it may be minor but when one is feeling empty it is little things like this that can cause one to finally fall apart at the seams and that is what finally happened.

I did not feel the cry, just felt my insides dry and trying to rip out, there weren’t really any feeling, or emotions behind this cry, just the feeling of futility almost immediately as usual, as I was accustomed to not having feelings, I didn’t even know what they were.

Great! Seriously, my brand-new notebook was ruined, not really but in the moment of having the perfect Moleskine notebook to now having something scratched in the “in case of loss”, my tears had wet the paper and I accidently tore the inside cover of the “in case of loss”. I just could not drive, so senseless to be so upset over a notebook, but when one’s whole world came crumbling down the scratched notebook was the straw that broke the camel’s back. So, what else can one do when one is too upset to drive and too far to walk home. Walk around the shopping plaza it is.

Walking through the shopping strip there was a pet store. The kind that has weekly pets from different rescues. I walked in, said “hi” to someone grabbing a cart and then heard this scream “MMMMAAAAAA!!! MMMAAAA!!!!! MMAAAAA!!!!”. I went to see what could be causing such a ruckus. It turned out to be this little, tiny kitten smaller than my hand. Hanging upside down in the cage as if she defied gravity throwing the biggest fit I had ever seen. I walked up and said “hi, baby! Are you okay” The tiny kitten stopped screaming, looked at me as if to say “what does it look like” I laughed and said “do you want to come home with me?”

The kitten climbed down from her upside-down perch and walked to the side of the cage as if to say “lady open it” to the lady from the rescue who was there that day. Such big attitude from such a small kitten. The lady from the rescue listened to the kitten with the attitude and I held the kitten. The kitten was quiet and appeared happy. I was also happy. Then I thought “I have no business getting a kitten I can barely take care of myself right now”. So, when the lady from the rescue asked for the kitten back, I gently handed her over and the lady said, “okay Spice here you go “as she placed her back in her cage.

Spice Screamed and Screamed “MAAAAA!!!! MAAAA!!!! But I turned to return to my car. Once back in my car I opened the little black Moleskine notebook to see if it had dried and that’s when I noticed the scratches said “Spice” and the “reward” was “healed heart”. That kitten was mine!

I immediately threw the Moleskine in the passenger seat and ran back to the store and the kitten was screaming “”MOOOMMMMM!!!!! MOOOOMMMM!!!!” and the rescue volunteers turned and smiled at me and said “we knew you were back; this kitten only makes noise when you are around.

A store employee came out with a beautiful carrying case for the kitten and I said “Oh I forgot I would need something to bring her home and he said “ don’t worry it’s paid for” and he asked “where did you park and I said “on the other side of the parking lot” and he said “well you’re going to need to pull closer so we can load up the cat tower, cat box, kitty litter, food, toys and everything the kitten is going to need. I just stood there with my mouth open then finally said “but I don’t have the money for all of that” and the store employee said “oh well someone paid for it. You are Debbie and that is Spice, right?” I just stared and slowly nodded my head.

Debbie, Spice and everything a perfect little kitten would need were loaded into her car and they headed home and that night as Debbie and Spice were cuddling and Spice trilling “mom momm” Debbie picked up the Moleskine notebook to journal the first day with Spice and Spice was helping and playing with the pages to find attached to the back cover a little pocket. Debbie opened the pocket thinking about what could go in there, business cards, extra money? Instead, she found a card that said “everyone deserves happiness” and turned it over to find a card worth $20,000. Spice walked over swatted the card sat down to chew at the corner and Debbie rubbed her between the ears and said “you know what we have to do now with this mysterious find”. Spice purred in agreement with her “hmmmm hmmmm”, so the two of them set cuddled thinking how life comes at you in unexpected moments and how everyone deserves happiness and how they were going to help others find their happiness. Creating a new memory a mysterious notebook, a great sum of money and happiness in a fuzzy little package.