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Emotional Power

The worst prejudice we have is that which we have for ourselves. Jessica Taylor

By Jessica TaylorPublished 3 years ago 20 min read
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Inspirational rants

By Jessica Taylor

Cold stones of my deep

The exposition of my entity

By Jessica Taylor

Anger:

People constantly ask me what's wrong, why all of a sudden do they fucking care? I've had enough of these fake friends; I've had enough of people who pretend to care.

It's been a shitty week; everything seems to drag me through the quick sand only to leave me to sink! My body hurts and my heart throbs in agony. But it doesn't seem to matter; they look at me and say "oh she can deal with it she's stronger than the rest of us."

Well fuck you; I am only human; I am not perfect; I'm sick of being the strong one. I'm tired of the hell; I work to damn hard to be told the spoken word of disrespect. I work too damn hard to be the better person; to walk away without fucking punching someone.

I know the way this world works. You have to be beautiful to get anywhere in life or you have to kiss ass to get anywhere otherwise you're left holding the shit pieces to someone else's life. Their reins become the chains that hold you down.

Well let me tell you; I refuse to allow that to happen to me. You want to fuck with me and try to take me Down then fine you're in for the fight of your god forsaken life.

I have broken and I am picking the pieces up; fuck this world that thrives off beauty of outer limits. Fuck this world that make me kiss another's ass! I know I'll never be beautiful but to me it'll never matter; and I refuse to kiss another's ass!

As long as I live by my values ill be set for life as for those who bring me down I say this to you. No longer will you affect me, this is my changing tide; my guiding light has shone through the darkness; I will survive; I will thrive ; I will fight and I swear to god I will fucking win so screw you!!!!

Hope:

These are the words I've longed a to hear for so long; my heart aches deep for one man to call me his everything. This is how my heart longs so desperately; closing my eyes as these songs are played. My deepest desire; my one carnal need; not to be needed not just that but to be wanted more than life itself. I have ran through my life knowing that I was never good at much; that's beginning to change; I feel my worth; but; no one sees it.

I've looked around for much to long; knowing; feeling this carnal need; throbbing within my entire entity. I'm so tired; too tired to fight but I do anyway; my pain is nothing compared to the insanity of my lonliness. I see people staring; their eyes burning a hole through the all of me; my cheeks flourish in the red with anger at myself for allowing such beauty to slip right through my fingertips. The memories were bittersweet; they still are; nothing can compare with the touch of ones beloved.

To feel once again his soft touch brushing upon my skin; the hope in his embrace; the light in his eyes; the freeing moment when his kiss is placed upon mine own lips. No, nothing can compare to the bliss that ones beloved doth bring. And damn my own self for letting it go when I could have had it all!!!

Sadness:

This is the oddessy of my soul; this forlorn entity that walks the paths of legends of old and futures untold. The tears fall softly down my reddened cheeks; leaving the withered mess that lonliness provides.

And here I speak of love that's greater than all the masses of stars; a love that expands the universe wide; my wisdom is naught in compare with those who've lived a thousand lifetimes. Yet; I feel connected to those who have lived in those times.

There's so much pain in my heart; the whole of me feels the taken toll; I've longed for such a love as fairy tales and reality thus together provide; yet; with each offer comes the price of those who just don't give a damn.

This aching leaves more than just the scar; it's a wound deeper than any one person can imagine. The tearing of ones heart; the fear that you'll never love again; the knowing that you dream only to never have what you seek.

Peace:

I found an eternity of hope in a instance of music; the beauty untouched by the grace of the man who so diligently played the sounds of my soul. For a moment in time I raised my heart and lifted myself a few feet above Satans nasty grasp.

The thought of his warmth still graces me; yet; satan pulls at my very core; it's so hard to find what is lost in this wretched time. Now; the tears settle in the emptiness and I grow restless in my search for all I've longed for.

Dare I release the tears that have been lingering on the brink; would it save a piece of my heart just to let go?

I'm so worn and so weary; from every emotion in its finest; why this tide; why now?

I've looked back just to see myself thinking that I have found love only to be given the broken heart I so obviously deserve. I'm so tired of the one sided love; the one where I give of myself with the hope of being on the receiving end.

I'm so tired of being on the receiving end of naught but hell.

I'm to the point of no return in my many scattered emotions; I just don't give a damn anymore.

Until the time is right and love is ready to find me I just plain give the fuck up!

And the music still lingers on inside me; bringing me that instant of hope within the tides of mine own soul.

Faith;

Life is too damn short to be anyone but yourself; if you can't see what you truly are then stupidity should arouse you're anger. Passion and insanity are not an evil thing; it's what defines me from the rest of those who long for something they cannot control.

I see the dream I continue to fight for; not like many would care if they could see it to; but, that matters not to me.

It is the dream I see; to know what may never be lost within me; to know that the tides of yesteryear have passed; slowly they have faded into the oblivion of lost fear and doubt; to know that the future awaits with gleaming eyes, happy hearts and graceful minds.

It is this I seek and it is this I shall find!

Fear:

With each tide my heart throbs deep; in a room full of people I am still all alone; I see the light at the end my my prolonged tunnel yet I feel so far from where I need to stand.

I can't stop these tears that flow; they're like a river draining into the sea. It drains my soul leaving me empty. This tide of evil sucks me into a dry season of repeated depression.

Nebulous returns yet again; this time not able to surface; being kept within my entity. The fear holds tight and I am placed within my own prison.

I am tired and feeling freaked out at what my life seems to be; an endless rotation of fear and depression; an endless rotation of sadness and salty tears; an endless rotation of loosing myself in my hellish nightmares.

Confusion:

My heart was so different; it still is; my doubt was strong. Friendship was stronger. Men confuse me; one in particular; one with interests like mine.

God he confuses me; beyond all belief he confuses me. The amazement I feel as I look into his eyes is indescribable; I feel like there's something there; something more than what he says.

No brain; depart from this thought; your not worthy; just ignore it. Yes he's sweet; yes; he's gorgeous; yes; he's absolutely amazing. No I must not think of it. But his guiding light brings me back from the brink of darkness; like a star in the black.

Damn it! I just need to walk away; he's better off. I'm too damn old; no just walk away. Remember the heartache of lovers past Jess. Are you so stupid that you would forget. No.

Why must he be there in my every thought; visions of his voice are in my head and the look in his eyes still lingers deep. With these tides I am so fucking confused.

I swear just the other day I looked deep into his eyes and see. Something I have never seen before; I can hear him even now speaking as if he were standing in front of me.

My doubts about my talent are dissolved; this feeling is so overwhelming. Dare I look into those beautiful eyes to feel the feeling I felt. It was amazing; but I can't place the emotion I felt when I looked into those eyes.

No I should just stop; I cannot survive another heartache. I want so badly to tell him; I'm beginning to hold regrets for not speaking the words I desire to say, damn it, it should be obvious with each look I give him; his love for poetry makes it even harder and his music I so calming.

And his ability to predict my emotions before I fall makes no damn sense to me. Thrice now he has brought me from the brink before I could even begin to fall. I only wish I could say the words.

No Jess; you must remember the heartache. You cannot withstand another.... Just leave it be.

Damn! He confuses the hell out of me; beyond all belief he confuses me.......

My heart is still different; my doubt was strong. Friendship; however; friendship is much stronger.

Myself the muse

Jessica Taylor

I've come so far in so little time, stronger and more full in my transitions, more alive with my confidence. The last year was hell on earth but like always I pulled through, we pulled through. It is our strength to find our way through the darkness that keeps us going.

It is our ability to fight in the worst of times and come out of anything. When I was bruised and broken I realized it only made me stronger. Much stronger.

I have not the words to express how I felt or am feeling, but, the point is I am feeling....instead of pushing back those emotions I choose to feel them...... It is a whirlwind of hell yet the bliss of feeling the emotion is much more worth it knowing I deserve to feel...... It's ok to feel.

I deserve so much and living in the fear is wrong. This year will be different, I will care more for myself while still caring for those around me.....I will fight for what I believe.....I will fight for my goals, my dreams, my hopes, my everything......I will fight for me!

It is time.... I must not falter in my confidence.... I must not falter in my dreams, in my goals, in my hopes....... I will not forget,I will not let go, I will walk with confidence. May I have the courage to face the obstacles I need to face, the strength to survive the outcome and the patience not to kill anybody in the process. I must keep up, I must never give up, and I will never back down!

I will remember those who have helped me to find myself; know I am grateful and I will keep you in my heart, but I must do what I can.

I must fight for me!

Balance yourself!

By Jessica Taylor

Fear will only lead you astray if you don't overcome it; desires are sometimes overrated and unnecessary; consistency can be found in both but you need to find a way to utilize both in an equal amount. If you overcome the fears you can change the emotional pull to what you want it to be; you will find that clear passionate direction you long for. Too much desire and you may fall to a different path you did not choose; to much fear and it is the same. Motivation can reveal itself through so many things; if you let your fear rule you; you soul may become lost in the depths of the loneliness that you fear; however rise to the occasion of overcoming it and you will never be alone. Yes there is no such thing as control; it is an illusion, a dream so often sought that we think we have gained it; that thought must be erased and control (the thought and dream of control) must not linger in you and yours. Force and fear will only deplete the meaning inside of you if you choose to hold to it. Let it go and free yourself. Utilize your fears to make yourself think; to better yourself. Take in that fear; force yourself to overcome it and you shall rise!

A letter to myself

Dear self;

It is time to walk out of the shadows; it is time to find your shining light; it is time to free yourself from the demons that reside within you.

I tire of your bellyaching; I tire of your tears; I tire of your lonely mind. Free your insanity as you once did; it is time to give your all in your dreams; for the others dare not grasp the opportunity you have placed before them.

I tire of waiting for you to make your move and I tire of waiting to see if the others are going to take that opportunity that you've given them.

There is no more waiting; there is no more procrastinating; now is your time so GO!

Love your angry self

Transition with truth

Ask yourself is this something you have imagined and if it were real would life really work out the way you plan. Chances are no, nothing ever goes as planned.

Accept that people are the way they are; that things are never as they seem; that life's plans don't work the way we want them to; that all life comes to an end. So does it really matter that we don't have the control to fix everything, the answer is no.

It is time to let go of control, time to see the things we fear and embrace them, time to move forward to achieve what we long to understand, time to make the changes necessary to better ourselves, time to "pop the bubble" and free ourselves from our center safe zone.

Yes we may get scared and we may feel alone but the best thing for us is to not draw back on what's to come; take small steps; but never back down. Always know that even if you feel alone you will never be completely alone.

When the chance comes say "yes" for once, instead of "no" or "I don't know" consider the possibilities of this, the open door and take the chance that something good may happen.

Remember him; remember his words......

"We are always the student

We are always learning…and then the next step of leaping on the change and growth. Otherwise, the transition…the experience…will pass us by. Until the next one hits us even harder. Harder, because this time we know everything we learned last time, but we did nothing to change and grow during the space between our major transitions."

Keep this in mind; keep him in mind; how he learns is a mystery to us, but, his words have helped so much in the past, as has his kinship and his kindness.

So transition with truth; accept the things you cannot change; embrace the fear of whatever scares the hell out of you; never give up and never back down!

Common disrespect of my own

Jessica Taylor

Alas I have had the great pleasure of experiencing the love of fairytales and legends on multiple occasions. And alas my heart always finds a different version of love in it's finest glories.

Yet I grew up in a hardened reality where all children should not have to go through the things I went through. I fought tooth and nail throughout childhood and still I fight through the trials of my life.

The trials of my life seem to outweigh the triumphs but it doesn't stop me from trying. I don't give up that easily. I have had two beautiful girls to help me through my trials.

Though I sometimes get burnt out on life I still carry a smile as I stumble through these times. I live with a cautious sense of humility and I have no sense of grace or balance.

The turning tides of my life are challenging but I accept those challenges with a open heart and a sometimes emotional mind and spirit, my dreams are odd, unfullfilled yet never lost.

I have ever so often been on the non receiving end of the one sided love, giving constantly to aid my souls own recovery. I have given so often of myself seeking only that of which I never thought I deserved. Those things which are countless have been held in my desires to find the truth in my own wager. A wager never won.

As for my life I find certain aspects hard to trust and try to drown out the possibility that I am never alone. A fact that I dislike as of late, I find it harder to think and even moreso difficult to express my grattitudes for the blessings I have been given (even if there aren't many blessings I can be grateful for) I sometimes get so tired of the real world that I escape into my own reality it kind of helps me to function better but lately I haven't been able to escape; I am too much of a prisioner to my own hell.

There is always my heart; a lonely pathetic mess; never able to take charge of what really matters in life. I know what it wants but I am never able to succeed; I am always so afraid. I allow my tears to fall in darkness and silence but here and now I am trying so hard to hold back the storm. I have lived in the dark for so long I have longed for the life and the love of my dreams but I know now that I Am always going to be as I am. Alone afraid and trapped behind the prison walls I have thus created for myself.

Behind this smile there is always pain; there is always my suffering; there is always my knowledge of what I will never become. And with each tide that falls before my feet I see myself for what I am, a person that will never be a person.

The contract of my tides

By: Jessica Taylor

At first light the sun resides behind the horizon, slowly rising within the east. Morning clouds pass by bringing color to the sky. Warmth fills my entity from both coffee and sun, peace..... I am at peace.

Once again my tides have changed, emotions are high and unbalanced...if only now my dreams I could gain.

In so little time this marathon of despair was ran, now as I see it for what it is ( a lesson learned, an opportunity taken and a fight unwanted) I understand now.

They say "you never know what you have until it's gone." Nobody knows just how real that statement is. I understand now, now that this opportunity has been given.

The sun now is just over the horizon, the warmth growing steadily with a slight breeze to make it perfect... My thoughts drift beyond present dreams..... The contract of my own tides is nigh.

Can life be more irritating; I've fought through hell and it never seems to matter. I gave an entire day to help someone and all they could do is bitch about it. "Well get off your fat ass and help me find it. I have my own shit to handle and I have my own damn problems to solve."

God she irritates me so; I want so bad to strangle her; I've been quite lately and I'm never going to get anywhere. I have had enough; her kids are lazy and she's given nothing to show that she wants this. I've come to damn far to let her kill this. I'm tired of fighting and I deserve this option, it's what I've sought for so long now. I wish I could gain this fight but I don't think it will ever work in my favor. We could buy the damn house and if we decided that we didn't want to stay we could sell the damn thing for something better. She's pissing me off to no extent.

I've been between happy and sad, I've seen the good and bad, and I've been tormented by love at hate. I realize now that if I continue to look for forgiveness in places where it will never be I will never be able to move forward with my life; so if you must hold your grudge I can't hold on to the hope that I will find forgiveness in the heart that could never forgive. It is time I move forward; I have found myself in my own problems and I must find a way to solve them. It is fierce that I hold the hate within me for things I should never feel hate for. I can see the light; though it may be feint in the darkness; it's till there. It's time I walk towards it; no matter how slow I must keep the walk steady.

All I can think about is the redheaded man. He is my calm when my storms rage on inside. The everlasting strength that keeps my sanity afloat. The knight of dawn exceeds the limits of my own peace, when I struggle he is there in all I do. And with the breadth of this tide I seek a glimpse of his whole, knowing that he cares even when he's elsewhere; he is light in darkest times; he is strength when I feel weak; he is hope derived from the deepest pits of hell; he is good against evil ever winning without depressing entities; he is the ground when I am too sane to find it. He is the forge of my soul; helping me to create a better version of myself.

Why I am so scattered with emotions and words I cannot seem to comprehend; I grow frustrated at the person I was and wonder why I'm having so many problems becoming the person I long to be. How do I fix the shit I hate about myself when I can't even find the way out of my own damn darkness. Maybe I am in need of my own thoughts; to ignore the taunts, the evil, nasty words spoken to me. I have to complete my soul. The forge of souls has helped me find myself. The sun now is just over the horizon, the warmth growing steadily with a slight breeze to make it perfect... My thoughts drift beyond present dreams..... The contract of my own tides is nigh.

happiness
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About the Creator

Jessica Taylor

My deepest desire is to be able to help people; since I am too shy to be a professional speaker I decided that writing is my next best option. However, I do love the feel of the pen upon the page and the clicking of my keys on my keyboard.

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