Dying To Live

“Whyyy? Why won’t you just let me die!!?” I cried out as I woke up from an attempted overdose. “God doesn’t even want me.” I laughed; struggling to lift myself up from the cold bathroom floor, picking up the empty bottle of Prozac before leaning onto the sink. I stood there a few minutes, trying to understand what went wrong. Also, realizing I looked like a zombie as I stared into the mirror. Sunken eyes, dried pealing lips, and hair that hadn’t been combed in about a week. “Well, that was a waste”. You would think I’d have to throw up or even take a couple of hours to recover but, fortunately, my body is immune to destruction. I just wish I didn’t have to work today. “Dumb ass.”

Ever since mom died, I haven’t cared about anything. Mainly, myself. She was the only “real” family I had. She’s been gone for almost 3 weeks now and I’ve tried to take my life twice since then. The first time, I wrecked my car into a tree. I feel like I’m losing myself more and more every day. Its crazy because, the thing that gets me down the most is, I have nothing to remember her by. The only thing she left for me is a $20,000 inheritance in which got donated to a children’s cancer charity. It wouldn’t have been useful to a “dead person.”

_______________

Jump Zone. The place I’m starting to dread the most. *opens door* Screaming kids filling the building with their cries and laughter and uneasy parents trying to keep track of their kids as they jump from trampolines to ball pits. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun job, I’m just tired of the headaches.

“Seven! You’re late!” My boss stated anxiously, as if I didn’t know. “One more minute and I would’ve had to replace ya.” He chuckled.

He thinks he’s a fucking comedian. “I know. It won’t happen again.”

“Well, I’ve got a job for ya. I don’t want you on the registers today. I want you to take over the popcorn machine because, David seems to think employees get 100% off.

“On it sir.” I said as I jokingly saluted him. “Just let me clock in.”

David is my best friend. We’ve literally been through everything together. He’s stayed with me, I’ve stayed with him. We’ve been homeless together; group homes. The list goes on and on. He is the one person I can genuinely trust/depend on and for that, I love him. Its been a while since we last spoke though, considering the fact I haven’t been to work since the funeral and I haven’t been answering anyone’s phone calls/texts. He wasn’t aware of my moms passing or my current situation. I didn’t really plan on telling him either.

“Seveeen! What it do!!?” He yelled as he stuffed his face with a handful of popcorn. “Where the hell you been man?”

“On vacation” I lied with a sarcastic smile on my face and the thought of me laying in the bathroom still in the back of my head. Technically, I don’t want to die. I’m just tired of living a life not worth living. Tired of pretending to be happy, when really, I’ve been trying to hold on to the last bit of sanity I have left. No, I don’t want a pity party. I JUST WANT TO LIVE!!! “Let’s take the trash out” I added while giving him a wink with my right eye.

_________________

“Roll that shit up” He said as we made our way behind the garbage cage. “I know you got some gas.” Me and Devin have this thing where we don’t have to tell each other what were about to do. We just know.

“Pre-rolled sucka!” Leaning on the garbage can, I lit up a joint that was the size of a gorilla pinky. *inhales deeply* The one thing that momentarily takes the pain of my emotions/thoughts away. I CAN BREATHE. With my eyes closed, I exhaled. Releasing the negativity from within me. I knew what it felt like to float, to be free. If only I could have this feeling forever.

“Bro” – cough, cough -- “Do you believe in God? Do you think he’s real?”

“Are you there God!!? Its me, Devin!!!” He yelled as he searched the sky. “I guess not.”

I laughed it off but, deep down inside, all I wanted was a sign. Something to let me know I’m still in Gods favor. “Forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for wanting to take my life. I’m just tired. I NEED YOU,” “Please just send me a sign. Please,” are my only thoughts at this moment. Holding my composure, I passed the joint I no longer wanted to Devin.

Staring at the trash bags we left on the other side of the garbage cage, I decided I would make myself useful and do my job. Just as I was getting ready to throw the trash bag away, I spotted something sitting on the floor of the garbage can. It was a little black book. As if it was supposed to be there. Or if it was MEANT to be found by me. I felt connected to it. Like it was pulling me toward it. “Devin? Give me a hand.” Devin put the joint out on the concrete and lazily picked himself up off of the ground using the side of the trash can.

“There’s something in there. Hold my legs while I reach in and grab it.”

“Why you wait till after we smoked to do all this shit?”

I ignored his complaints and grabbed the book. I didn’t know if the feelings I got from holding this book was wrong or right. But, I felt energy going through my body. Like a presence of some sort.

As I was skimming through the book one page stood out to me:

“What do I do when motivation and strength seems

to disappear in times they are needed the most?

What do I do when I feel that I am losing my relationship

with you? Save me from myself. Save me from my darkness…”

Tears started to fill my eyes, with a pleasant warmth spreading through my body. “I’m not the only one” I thought. Just as I was finishing up the last sentence, a feather floated passed my face. I knew then, I was exactly where I needed to be. EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OKAY.

“Letting go isn’t forgetting, its remembering without fear. Its stepping forward with a present mind and a lesson learned. So just remind yourself right now: you are not your bad days, you are not your mistakes, you are not your scars, and you are not your past. Be here now. Be free.”