Desideratum

The world is filled with desires. Desires to become rich or famous, desire to meet society’s expectations, or desire to fall in love. But no matter how hard I try to understand the concept of desire, I just can’t seem to find my place in the world.

Carnelia Burnen, I scribble my name on my assignment. In a classroom full of people, how do I still manage to feel like I’m drowning alone? As if everyone has found what they want to do in life while I am slowly pulled in by the silent, yet fatal currents. I want to see the surface and know the burning passion of the sun. I want to desire something so deeply that I develop a one-track mind to obtain it.

As my uncontrollable thoughts began to conquer my mind, I pulled out my little black notebook to jot them down. I filled the page with my sloppy writing trying to synchronize the speed of my pen and my mind. When I finally filled the page with all my thoughts, I decided to read them over. I want to desire something so deeply that I develop a one-track mind to obtain it. The school bell rings. I quickly stuffed my textbooks into my backpack and practically ran home. As I fumbled with my keys to open the door, I felt a feeling I’d never felt before. The drumming of my heart was so loud it was all I could hear. I ran up to my room and laid out my notebook and paced around my room in shock of my epiphany. All this time, I have known the feeling of desire. But where do I go from here? Do I just keep feeling that desire? Do I act on it? I wrote down all these questions in hopes of finding an answer. I know I desire to desire something, but what? As I sat on this question, it struck me. I’ve been so concerned about lacking desire that I didn’t allow myself to open up to anything that could potentially light that spark within me. I turned on my computer and scoured the internet for things that replicated that very feeling, the feeling of desire.

I looked at videos of scientists making discoveries, actors passionately portraying their characters, and more, while ranking them on a scale of 1 to 10, gauging the feeling of desire I get from them. So far I’ve only been met with 4’s and 5’s. Scrolling down further, I felt the sporadic motivation to look for my desire start to dissipate, but it was then when I saw an intriguing video. Live band performance. Curiosity prompts me to click on it. A guitar strum meets my eardrums, and before I could react, the drums joined in. What is this ambiance? The room is so dimly lit, yet the frequencies of their sound light up the room so brightly. My thoughts are rudely interrupted when a voice that could only be underwhelmingly characterized as emotional and powerful projects from the stage. At that moment, I felt as if I was in the same room as them and they were playing only for me. There it is again. That feeling! This time the intensity is more extreme, my heart feels like it’ll expand to the size of my entire body and consume me. With each lyric that flows out of the vocalist's mouth I can feel every single emotion she’s feeling passion, sadness, and even bliss. I felt my chest rise and fall as tears began to stream down my face. She was creating ripples that would inevitably change the current. Is it okay to reach my hand out to her?

The video eventually comes to an end. It felt as though I'd been pulled out of a trance when I felt a tear fall from my chin onto my hand. What just happened…? I reached for my notebook whilst trying to comprehend the emotions I was feeling, and instinctively wrote 10. Desire… Did I just find it…? My voice trembles as I decide, “I want to start a band.”

I extend my arm to the surface and notice it’s now not too far away. To break through the surface, I must take action to strengthen my newfound desire. I immediately began making flyers and posted them around my town. Band members needed: guitarist and drummer, call me if interested XXX-XXX-XXXX.

To my surprise, not long after I got two phone calls. One from a guitarist and one from a drummer. We decided to meet up at a cafe and discuss how we would go about this ambitious endeavor. I excitedly introduced myself, “My name is Carnelia and I’ll be the vocalist of our group!” The other two seem shocked by my sudden enthusiasm. The guitarist shyly introduced himself, “I’m Leo, and I’ll be the guitarist.” Seeing how shy Leo was, the drummer giggled, “Nice to meet you both, I’m Nana!” After introductions, we decided that it’d be fitting to decide on our band name. We made a list of a few, but nothing seemed quite right. Suddenly a word appeared in my mind, “What about Desideratum?” Leo and Nana look at each other in confusion, “What does that mean?” “It means something that is desired… The reason I started this band was actually because I lacked desire in life and I was thinking maybe our band could be a point of desire for people who are like me that haven’t yet found their desire in life.” Nana nods, “That sounds great!” Leo nods in compliance. I jump up in excitement, “Awesome! Now our next step is to make some music! Does anyone know how to compose?” Leo immediately looks up from his twiddling thumbs, “Yes! I do!” Nana and I look at each other in shock and smile. “I actually prepared a demo song for you guys.” Nana quickly shifts over to my side of the booth and plugs in her headphones, giving me one side. As the demo played, my hand slowly rose to my mouth, and I looked over at Nana and I could see her eyes glistening. This is exactly what I envisioned, the passion I felt from watching that band performance, I could feel it just by listening to Leo’s guitar; imagine it paired with lyrics and drumming! Nana and I removed the earbuds and looked over at Leo in unison, “You’re amazing!” A proud grin emerged on Leo’s face. “Now we just need to come up with lyrics for the song and add in the drums. I can add the drums and Carnelia, can you come up with the lyrics?” Nana inquired. “Sure!” I responded without a second thought. “After that, we can meet up at the studio and see how it all sounds together!” Nana and I nod in agreement. After our successful meeting, we all bid each other farewell with excited smiles. I quickly got home and started writing in the lyrics. Unexpectedly, I found lyrics easily flowing. Maybe it’s because of my habit of writing down my emotions, so I’m able to easily articulate my feelings. I felt myself pouring my soul into these lyrics. It’s a retelling of how I felt as I was drowning while everyone else stayed afloat with their desires.

The following week we met up at the studio and began playing. I shut my eyes as I felt myself becoming one with the music. With Leo’s strumming, Nana’s drumming, synergized with my singing, I could feel myself coming to life! All the emotions that I’ve been feeling all these years without telling anyone, I felt myself releasing it all into the ether. I know Nana and Leo felt it as well as their playing became less focused on technicality, and more so on their emotions. Reaching the last note, we all huffed in exhaustion and looked at each other in awe. Our sounds naturally intertwined as if they were destined to be so. I dare say we were ready to perform, but we still worked on improving it. That day we practiced over and over again until we were too tired to continue. I went home and plopped on my bed. I’ve never been more tired in my life, but I’ve also never been as happy. I clutch onto my pillow and smile into it as I savor the tingling sensations I felt within my heart. “I’m getting closer to the surface,” I whispered to myself.

A couple of days later I got a call from Nana. “I found a place where we can perform!” A piece of noodle falls from my mouth, “WHAT? WHERE?!” She giggles, “It’s at the cafe we met up at. It turns out they host a talent show once a month. And the next one is this Friday!” “Let’s do it!” I yelp.

That following week we practiced every day at the studio. And before we knew it, it was Friday. We were up next. Leo, Nana, and I looked at each other in excitement and nervousness. “Next up we have the band: Desideratum!” I exhale and shut my eyes. Leo starts and Nana joins. I can feel their sounds surging through my body. I begin to sing. With every lyric, I feel myself getting closer to the surface. I want to break it! Leo and Nana’s playing intensifies, and for the first time, I realize that I am not alone. They’re guiding me to the surface. With every measure we play, I feel us getting closer to the point of breaking free! I grab the microphone from the stand and start allowing my body to move freely with the music. For a split second, my eyes open, our audience was mesmerized. The same expression on my face when I saw the live band performance. I shut my eyes again, now gathering the confidence to push even further. As we inch closer to the last measure, Leo and Nana intensify their sound in preparation for my high note. Here it comes! I belt out my high note, and that is when I feel it! I’ve broken through! I’m on the surface! And not only that I’m not alone. The song ends, and I look back at Leo and Nana and we all come into a warm embrace. The audience breaks out of their trance and gives us a standing ovation. We bow and say thank you as we walk off stage. Immediately, a man approaches us. “What you guys just did up there was fantastic! My name is Seth O’pine and I’m a talent scout for Grand Agency. I’d love to set up a meeting with Desideratum and my associates! How does that sound?” We looked at each other in skepticism, but when we looked up his name on the Grand Agency website and it was there. “Oh my gosh! Yes! We’d love to!” we screamed.

Later that week we met up with the agency and they offered to invest $100,000 into our band. Needless to say, we were ecstatic and signed with them! We didn’t yet have a manager, so I stepped up to the role. We were to use this money to improve our band. We used the money to rent venues for our performances, costumes, and even lessons to improve our sound. Over the span of three years, the $100,000 investment from the agency quickly grew our band’s profits to $1,000,000 per month! Desideratum became a global sensation! To think this all came about through someone who felt they lacked desire is astounding! I can now see the horizon from beyond the surface, and now I understand firsthand that the world is filled with beauty because of our ability to desire.