Death, Vicious Memories, Self-Realization

The storm rages in the vast ocean in my mind. Why does the passing of another’s comrade have such an impact on me? Why does it have to impact my fretting heart? How funny. How our heart moans the sadness of the one we adore.

Death.

How one word, even at the utterance sends chills down the spine of some, but yet it has no impact on others.

Why so?

Death.

A dreadful end or a liberating beginning?

Spiritual leaders and religious leaders try desperately to prove the theory of death and the existence of afterlife. But, why are we still concerned and worried and is so impacted by it? Is it due to the unknown?

As the one we adore shed the shell and leaves us alone in the vast universe, to fend for ourselves, the memories are not taken with them, but left to linger and dance in the minds of those dear.

Is it a blessing or a curse?

To be reminded of them constantly. To have them present in our minds and our hearts for eternity? Like slow poison, killing your cells, one cell a day.

Doesn’t it mean that we are haunted by the memories, rather than the person, the entity itself? Doesn’t it mean the memory shared is much more deadly?

Just like a snake. It is not the fear of the reptile, but the fear of its vicious venom that makes it a feared being.

Humans. Humans are not scary. It’s the memory that we create with them. It’s the feeling that they leave us with. That is what we are afraid off, aren’t we?

Re-living the moments in our head without the person next to us, and knowing for a fact that you can never lay eyes on the physical being again, that is the scariest part of all, isn’t it?

And then, you can’t help but to wonder, why take the trouble at all?

I believed I have no fear. I have never feared death. I have always had my arms open to embrace death at each stage and each point of my life. For I know, death, death is the absolute truth. What lies behind it, what lies beyond, is a mystery, but isn’t that something to look forward to? To finally, have the answer. To know for certain, if death is truly the end of it or it is a mere beginning.

That is up to now. Now I have come to a realization. That I do fear. Even the slightest thought of it makes me tremble in fear. My heart aches. I now know what I have been running away from. What I have been searching for. Maybe I just knew it all along, but have denied its existence.

I fear MEMORIES. The most vicious and vile villain of all the villains the universe has seen.

No. Scrape that. It is bipolar.

Memories. How dumbfounding-ly mind-boggling it is. You can’t help but wonder if it is a gift from God or a poison from hell.

All the things a memory can do to you.

To come to think of it, death is not the only culprit, Time and circumstances too play a vile role in taking away a piece of you and leaving you empty.

You build an empire, an empire that slowly grows with each fall, an empire that is built in memories and moments. Each brick and each window, built solely by trust, love and togetherness, but then, one of the two pillars give way. Removing itself, the whole empire comes crumbling down. Crashing and burning your heart and soul. Each moment, each memory burns you deeper than the lava of a volcano, no, it burns you like the fires of hell. The blazing fire annihilates your soul. The torture is so unbearable, that even the fire of hell seems a better option. This is where the weaklings fall. Cowardly? No. Heartbroken? Yes. Tortured? Yes. Tormented? Yes. Agonized? Yes. Suicide is everything pessimistic but cowardly. But we will leave that out for another time.

Oh yes, yes, yes. I fear memories. Oh how ghastly they are. So vile, so vicious, so brutal.

Merciless scoundrel they are.

This is where I come to the realization of my undying attachment to being alone. Why I fear of letting someone in. Into my cosmic energy.

I fear of allowing another soul to be a part of my rhythmic dance in the cosmic world. Yes, I admit, I may be offbeat but I am moving along, aren’t I?

The notion of sharing the cosmic dance with another, and trusting another with my vulnerable heart is bloodcurdling.

The vicious memories of the past are still assassinating my wounded and pitiful heart. I will be a complete lunatic to trust another human to make new memories. Even the sheer thought of it is horrid and revolting.

Being alone most certainly denies the bipolar memories the chance of being vicious, as they belong to you alone. It has no inclusion of another. My memories are mine alone. The day I betray myself, or the day Hades calls out my name like a teacher calling out a student and I answer ‘present’, there will be no place for a mind there. And definitely no place for memories. So jokes on you, memory!

Finally, I find a way to curb the bipolar nature of my memory. Isn’t that a blessing?

But wait. There is no such thing as a happy ending, is there?

If humans were created by Gods, I think the Devil is God. Like the wolf in sheep skin.

I skip about happily strutting at my victory against the vile memory, and then, (as the devil loathes a happy creature), he hurls at me a huge block of osmium (yes, apparently that is the most dense metal ever observed, but another suggest that plutonium is the heaviest, (considering its mass). Trust me on this. I googled.) But, we are not here to argue on the physics of elements. Let’s just establish that the devil hurled the heaviest, most dense metal known to mankind right at my face. Falling on my cushioned big butt (Who said being fat doesn’t have its perks?) I lived (thankful or dreadful? Still contemplating.).

As I looked up, and there it was. What a revolting nasty laugh it had. I was thrown the obnoxious brick - LONELINESS.

Oh give me a break! Right when I thought I finally found the answer, the rules change.

What a “delightful” acquaintance.

As mentioned earlier, it was the heaviest metal and it was rather humongous. I attempted to take a crack at it, and failed miserably. Oh spare my soul. I wiggled, waggled, jiggled and squirmed, but nothing worked. And to make matters worse, I accidentally smashed its sides. And now the toxic radiation was seeping slowly into my soul. The dark, black slimy liquid was covering my whole body. I had to think fast. Oh no. No, no no…It was like spider-man turning into venom. This was bad, but why do I feel so good? So safe? I was enjoying this. I was alone. No memory can seep thru now. (ha! Take that you moronic memory!)

As it slowly seeped into my pores, and entered my soul, I felt the walls closing in on me. The walls growing taller and taller. And barbed wires sticking out of it. I heard oceans forming around the walls. It grew dark and gloomy in here. But I liked it. It felt liberating. It became chilly and mundane. But it didn’t bother me. It was like I was in the safest place of all.

If you are under threat from the outside world, then, a prison is the safest place, don’t you think? It had tight security, under watchful eyes, you were safe.

I feel safe. It was like Azkaban. Nobody escaped. No trespassers. Under watchful eyes of the dementors. The dementors seem friendly. They were dark. But they keep me safe.

I looked at the vile creature sitting on top of me right in the eye. Loneliness. Its bone crushing malicious smile suddenly seemed to be opposite of that. It seemed virtuous and kind. It seemed as though it was here to help me. To protect my dim-witted heart that was being punctured by brainless memory.

Loneliness, my new found friend. She wrapped her hands around me. The dementors were a part of her. She let them protect me. She shared them with me. The dementors kiss killed the memories (or so I presumed, but they merely put them in coma). I loved my new friend. She was kind and ever ready to keep me happy and wrapped in her arms.

I stopped fighting her. I allowed myself to be consumed by her.

No entity could harm me, when I had her. Especially the lewd memory.

I made peace with loneliness. We were great. But loneliness came with a price. A price called DEPRESSION. The closer I got to loneliness, the closer I got to depression. We were a team.

Three of us. Depression was not as protective as loneliness was. Depression made me anxious and mad all the time.

Oh. Have I introduced love? Love is a shape-shifter and it has many forms.

She is like the mother of all. Like the mother board. Without her, nothing exists. She, in one of her many forms, was the culprit for all that has been going on. (Talking to love : No, love. A sheepish smile and a smile, doesn’t make it okay.)

Why am I introducing love now? Because love, as much as I loathe her for introducing her to depression, she was the one who kept me away from injudicious thoughts. Love, in her many forms, she was the one who broke me out the clutches of Venom.

You see when loneliness and depression started taking over, love was smart enough to hide. She was immortal and thus, she was not put into a coma by the dementor’s kiss. Loneliness did not liberate me, it confined me. It kept me locked.

Seemingly, love tried many forms to break me out but to no avail until she took the form of a mother’s love. As how Lily’s love saved Harry from the clutches of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Called-But-I-Will-Calll-Him-Because-I-Am-A-Rebel-and-He-Doesn’t-Scare-Me, Voldermort, the eternal love of my mother saved me from the clutches of loneliness and depression.

Yes, NOW, I know, loneliness was just like the devil, a wolf in sheep skin. It was trying to rip my soul alive and savor it when the time came.

The mechanics and technicality of how I was saved shall be kept for another day for now is not the right moment (partially because it is getting late and mostly because I have a headache and my brain power is reducing at an alarming rate).

As drug-addicts say “I am now clean”, I say the same “I am now free from loneliness.” As I recuperate from “The Great Conquest”, I can now sense my wings regaining their power. Indeed, breaking away from loneliness has liberated me, but I am far from absolute freedom.

I have now found that happiness is in acceptance myself. Being alone doesn’t have to come with loneliness. I can be alone and at peace with my demons. I thought, taking them down with a samurai sword was the best possible option, but I was wrong. It seemed as though the fight was inexhaustible. I kept fighting. My energy was boundless, but my patience wasn’t. Liberation from loneliness gave me the realization that I do not have to fight it. I only need to feed it with positivity and guess what? They are not so scary after all! Redirecting my energy to positive thoughts and paying attention to my inner-self, listening and acknowledging the demons in me (trust me, it is a gruesome process which I am still working on) liberates them from the depths of the underworld and into the vast open sky, where they can fly, dance and sing in joy.

In self-realization, I found liberation for the demons within. Releasing the demons is the best thing you can do to yourself. But it is not easy. It definitely is a tiresome process, and I am working on it, taking one day at a time.

Love, love is indeed the savior. The love and understanding of a mother is truly magical. Nevertheless, other forms of love are also necessary to attain complete freedom.

As how, the powers of all the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is needed to bring down the evil villain, the various forms of Love are needed to ameliorate everlasting happiness and freedom.

Oh wait. Now isn’t that going back to square one? Exposing the vulnerable heart to another human? Allowing yourself to create new memories? The vicious and vile memory. The memory that has the power to destroy you again.

Yes, yes, indeed. Indeed you are exposing yourself to the vicious memory. But, but, BUT..It doesn’t have to be evil. Remember? POSITIVE ENERGY.

I have come to a conclusion that memories are indeed bipolar, but it is you who control the emotion that it musters. Either to crumble and cry, or to smile and allow it to warm your soul, is entirely up to you. Mind over matter. There are always 2 sides to a coin and Two-Face the supervillain. Either you choose to be him, or fight him like Batman (does this example even make sense? Excuse the lack of common sense, the dreadful headache is too much to bear, but yet I shall finish what I started for my mind will wander away to other fretting thoughts on other days). The choice is ultimately yours to make. Someone who believes in a good and bad memory is an imbecile (don’t take it to heart, I was one to). There is no such thing as a good or bad memory. Only MEMORY exists. Whether it is good or bad memory is entirely in your jurisdiction. Your thoughts give power to it and you have absolute authority on it (As absolute power as Hitler had on his army of Nazis).

As a mushy dragon says “I think, therefore I am” (Geez..I know it was Decartes who wrote that but I don’t know him, do I? I only know the dragon. What are you going to do? Sue me?). So, in gist of it all, the memory has no power over you. YOU have absolute power over it to either allow it to make you, or to break you. Or, you could just get too busy creating new memories that you have no time to ponder upon old ones. But a word of caution- creating new memories DOES NOT imply on suppressing old memories or redirecting. NO. Suppressing will only lead to bottled up emotions that are going to cause even more damage to you and farm more demons. Hiding is a sign of a weakling.

As fearful as it may seem, letting go and embracing it shall be the best and most remarkable decision you could ever make.

It is difficult, or hell knows how difficult it is. I am still in the process of doing it. But yet again, YOU CAN.

Oh you have to excuse me for swishing from one point to another. It is a curse bestowed upon a mage who is not only a wanderlust, but often gets lost in her own thoughts.

Ah yes, as we were saying before I swayed, LOVE.

Love does indeed imply that you are going to open your cocoon and allow another earthling into your safe zone. Trusting them with your vibe and energy, but then, when you open your cocoon, your energy radiates into the universe and the universe (is a friend, not a foe) will bring to you the being that will orbit in the same frequency as you. Therefore, it is important for you to put out the true energy that radiates within you. There can be a few glitches and the universe may possibly send your way one or two (or even more) humans that are not in the same wavelength as you, but you have to stay positive and wait for the one that matters.

After all, you are an immerse ball of energy and the universe may take time to decode your vastness. And one day, the universe will most definitely will send your way a living entity that not only vibes and orbits the same planet as you, but can also make you feel more alive than you already feel. When that happens, hang on to that person and never doubt it because the whole universe conspired for it to happen.

But the devil is always at play. For always he will make you doubtful. To always fear. To take the leap of faith. There is nothing wrong in being afraid, but isn’t risk a part of everyday life? As how an Indian comic puts it, “yenaku risk yedukurathu yellam, rusk sapdra matiri” (Taking risks are like eating rusk- baby food). Take the leap of faith and let the world surprise you.

The fear of losing the other half to either death or to time and circumstances will always be there and stop you from living. But you must never give in. Remember? The Universe conspired.

Rather than feeding on the fear of tomorrow, why not invest your energy on living for the moment of NOW. Frankly, I think the word ETERNITY and FOREVER should be abolished. For they give you a sense of HOPE and BELIEF that everything is going to last forever but nothing is forever (even the Spice Girls broke). The only thing that is absolute and infinite is NOW.

When you invest your energy on the now and taking a risk on love, you will without a doubt be free from the demons within and the fears of the world beyond.

Trust me, taking risks and chances are undeniably the scariest part of life, but when you stop taking risks and when you stop loving, you are not alive. You are a mere shell, that walks on the face of the earth. Sort of like a ghost in reverse. Ghosts are spirits that roam the face of the earth without shells, whilst you are a shell, roaming the face of the earth without a spirit. Take chances, live for the moment, and never be afraid of your demons.