Dear Love, To Whomever

Crowbar in hand I ripped up that old dusty wooden floorboard. Years ago, I had buried a box of letters and it was time to take them with me in my new life. I had lived in this creaky old home for a decade, and let life pass me by. It was my first true home and I was feeling nostalgic in that moment. I sat on the floor and opened up the box. Inside was a handful of carefully wrapped letters that I had written to my future self among other things. I opened up the first letter I had written some 12 years ago. I thought there would be some grand moment as opened it, but the moment felt lackluster. I began reading and that’s when the moment hit me, when my words reverberated back at me.

Back then I was a bright-eyed adult who had dreams, and passions enough to last a lifetime. As the years passed by one by one, I saw those little lights inside me fade away. Life had taken from me and kept taking it seemed. In that letter the words began echoing in my head.

It said I hope you find a way to live with your life held high regardless of what happens. I want you to know how strong you, how resilient you are and I believe you can do anything.

It seemed ironic that the younger me saw something that I couldn’t see in my current life. A single tear fell from my right eye as I continued reading. What faith and hope I once had. I couldn’t understand how I reached my current state. I sat there the rest of the evening reading the many letters I had written. The message I needed to hear was clear and I found a way to reach my current self from the past. I stood up with renewed strength and a focused mind. I turned the lights off in that home and left. When I left, I shut the door and moved forward just like I planned on doing to those past memories that brought me to my knees.

I began living the life the younger me would have wanted. I chose to travel, and see more of the world rather than stay stuck in my own. I was blessed to see the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland, the stormy clouds over the Atlantic Ocean were truly a sight to see. It was raining sideways and I had a hole in my poncho when I walked along the cliffs. To me it was a magical moment, and a couple months ago I would have complained and let my day be ruined. In that moment all I could do was laugh, to the outside world I might have looked pitiful and insane at the same time, but inside a new light began to shine. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t let my circumstances define the moment. There's a subtle beauty in that.

Many lights were lit inside my soul as I traveled across Ireland. I met amazing human beings and friendships that would last a lifetime. I continued to travel the world and eventually I met a woman who would become my travel partner. Her name was Jordan and she had this way about her. Her spirit was free, untethered and she radiated warmth wherever she went. I told myself this was the woman I wanted to marry.

We traveled for 6 months together until it was time to part ways and return to our homes. She lived in France and I in the US, which felt like worlds apart. We kept in touch over the next year when she asked me to visit her. I took this opportunity to prepare myself and asked my mother for her grandma's ring. I was going to ask Jordan to marry me. I had another surprise up my sleeve though and it was one I was holding on to for many years.

I had written letters back then to a future love, the type of person I was looking for and during my travels I wrote about Jordan. When I landed in France, she came to pick me up. We spent a beautiful two weeks together as she showed me across Paris. That night I said there was something I wanted to ask her but first I gave her the letters I had written during our travels together. She read them slowly and tears began rolling down her rosy cheeks.

I saw a light in her eyes I had never seen before, but it was something she had seen in my eyes for quite some time. She knew what it meant to be loved, to be seen and loved for who she was and nothing else. When she had finished, I got down to one knee and asked her if she would spend the rest of her life with me.

Tears of joy flew down both of our faces as she screamed “Yes”, and we kissed. Another light burned brightly that day for both of us. I had finally managed to have the life I wrote about. The day our wedding came quicker than expected. I went back to that dust covered box and pulled out those letters of love. For my vows I read those old love letters to her from before I even knew what love could be. I had dreamed of love and what it would look like, feel like long before it ever came into my life. I remembered the warmth of my family and how their love felt to me. I felt that same love from Jordan, and I knew she felt the same. We were married in front of all our loved ones and felt a peace unknown to us before.

It was strange that those letters I had written so long ago would come back to save my life. To guide me, remind me that love was out there and to know what it felt like. I still keep those letters in my little box underneath our new homes’ floorboards. They were addressed to Love, to whomever.