Dear Lockdown, Thank you for Saving my Life

Dear Lockdown,

I must admit that when I first heard about you, my instinct and reaction was fear. I felt it in the pit of my stomach then rise up into my throat. But that fear was more centered on what brought you to us, the ferryman of death, Covid-19. You were but a passenger, you yourself, I didn't fear necessarily. In truth I didn't really know what to think, but I decided that if I had any choice in the matter, I would try to make you a friend instead of a foe.

Back then I thought you'd only be staying with us for 3 weeks, a short and manageable visit, not 3 months. I couldn't have predicted the impact you would have. It's funny to think how our relationship had such a rocky start, we quarreled. You were like an over-protective mother when you stopped me taking my trip to Amsterdam. A small trip, but one that was supposed to mark a year of travel and adventure. I was angry, and I took it as a bad omen. Still, I reminded myself to be grateful. I was incredibly lucky to have a secure administrative job that I could do from anywhere, even my bedroom. Which incidentally was all I really had in a shared house that lacked a living room. My living arrangements didn't matter to you. I continued to work my normal hours, life went on. But then, something extraordinary began to happen.

Flurry of Pink

Even though you restricted me, I was allowed to leave the house for exercise. When you called out to me on my run, distanced from anyone I encountered in those ghostly streets, I was met with a fluttering flurry of pink, framed by a blinding, blue sky. In that moment of gazing upwards, I realized, with a sob stuck in my throat, that I could not remember the last time I'd experienced Spring. For so many years, all I could do was admire the blossoms fleetingly as I trekked into corporate office jobs I hated in the foliage-free grey of office buildings. Even this current job, the most enjoyable, with the best team around me, left me in a concrete cage. It kept me safe but shut the world out. That was your first gift to me, Spring.

The Sunrise

The days began to grow ever longer, the sun rose earlier and set later. I knew that if I woke at 6am I would have 3 hours before working hours started. So I ran, as the sun just began to make it's presence known. I ran to a set of empty fields and woodland. The mist clung wetly to the grass. A deer bounded off at the unexpected sight of me. I walked until I found a spot with the clearest view. Lockdown, you sat with me as I watched the sun rise. I couldn't remember when I'd last taken the time to do that. Breath misting in front of my face, my whole being at peace, and at one with the morning. As I wandered in a wide circle, back towards home, I thanked you again, for the gift of these hours, the gift of an untroubled sunrise.

Of course when I returned to my room it was back to work again, but with a spaciousness that hadn't been there before. As I did so I was grateful for technology, the technology that allowed me to carry on working. I knew that not everyone was so lucky. That same technology allowed me to zoom call, facetime or by whatever other method keep in contact with loved ones. The social connection continued. I had one friend in walking distance I could join for socially distanced runs. That relationship grew and blossomed into something absolutely indispensable. You made that happen. You took away the distractions of social events and obligations and allowed only genuine connection.

6 Years of Longing for Freedom

I had dreamed of being a full time freelancer, living life on my own terms, for 6 years, to no avail. I'd read countless self-help books, started and failed projects, then gave up on it all. It was an idea I'd quietly put away in a draw, never to be touched again, gathering dust. Holding parts of my depression, resentment and unanswered longing in a book marked 'disappointment'. Until you picked it up that is.....

The drawer began to open again. As I continued to work from home, you made me realize that all these extra hours I had could be put to good use. I finally began developing the side hustles I'd always wanted to whilst still working my full time job, forming an income. With my expenses cut, I began to save, more than I ever had before. You told me that eventually you'd have to leave and that I would need to return to that imprisoned way of life. Now I'd had a taste of freedom, I couldn't let it go. I had had a taste of what living life on my own terms, spending time the way I wished to would mean. You encouraged me very day, until I finally escaped the shackles. They fell at my feet. I quit my job.

On my last day I knew my soul had been dying, when I finally breathed my first breath living the destiny I had chosen. For the first time, I was no longer living and working for someone else. Lockdown, you saved my soul and my life from gathering dust in a drawer. From becoming a book never finished, never read, never realized, that simply faded from existence.

Now it is time for you to be on your way, though it might not be quite yet, you might relapse into our lives. But eventually, I hope to wave you on with a smile, so this new life you've gifted me can truly begin and the next chapter of travel can unfold.

I could have never done it without you and for that, I am forever thankful.

Sincerely Yours,

The Woman who is Finally Free

I hope that by sharing my story with you, you might be inspired to see the brighter side of things too, to see just how much there is to be thankful for.