Dear, Chirography

We met at a very young age. In fact, I was not the only one that you were introduced to at the time. Our relationship wasn’t the kind you see in movies, where two people fall in love in a matter of days. That doesn’t phase me though for those kinds of love seem not to last as long. I found it hard to connect during the early stages, hard to understand and to relate. It would frustrate me, seeing you get along with so many others while we couldn’t. There were times where I felt like giving up on you and crossing you out of my life every time we were forced together. I couldn’t bring myself to do that though for I learned very quickly that you would be an important part of my life that I would need forever.

After years of having you around, more as a friend and a helper than anything else, something happened in my life that forever altered my feelings for you. Grade seven, I was thirteen years old when I realized I had fallen dependently in love. The divorce of my parents had caused my head and heart to swell with feelings of heartbreak and woe. I would turn to you to release the constant, agonizing thoughts that seemed imprisoned within the round of my skull. When not a single human being could stand up to my selfish and desperate standards of comfort, there you were. Never once a complaint or a negative piece of feedback, instead you would swallow my tears as if thirsty for my thoughts and emotions. Being with you filled the tremendous voids commonly created in child’s heart during the separation of their family.

As time advanced I realized we were spending every day together. Even after spending all day together at school, I would get excited anticipating our time alone once we were not trapped within the walls of a classroom. I was no longer only using you as my personal scape goat or as the hamper that holds my dirty laundry. You and I were inseparable, day in and day out regardless of what was happening in my life. I began to feel some sort of addiction, like many do when so deeply in love. You knew how to comfort me without having to physically be there. The love I felt for you became so strong that I became jealous of anyone else who came into contact with you. One thing about you that I must learn to accept is that you do not believe in monogamy. This will be an issue I will struggle with for the rest of my years. There will always be someone out there who understands you more, who receives that same comfort form you that I did through my toughest of times, who connects with you better than I do. There are days when the jealousy gets the better of me and I feel betrayed by you. I feel that you will give up on me because I can not use you to portray your own beauty like others can. I can not set you up and lay you down in a manner that truly expresses your worth like others can. I can not make people feel the way I feel when looking at you, like others can. Some days I remind myself, after reading a book or an old journal entry, that regardless of how much time and attention I give you there will always be others who I must share you with. But, just like any relationship, there will always be issues to deal with, issue that may never fully disappear. When you love someone as much as I love you, you learn to look past the issues and focus on the magic that is shared instead.

You have never once felt insecure or jealous of the relationship I have shared with a man, even though I may neglect the time we share together for him. So, I write this as a thank you, out of love and appreciation, to my first and forever love. Thank you for always being there for me without hesitation. Although as a human myself, I crave the love an affection of another human being, your love has never failed to comfort me. No matter who I come across in my life or who I end up in a physical relationship with, please know that I love you and I will always turn to you, for paper is unbelievably accepting.