Dear 2020,
The expectations and plans I had for you were filled with a lot of firsts and unknowns. Most of those so called plans were major changes to what I’ve known thus far, but probably for the first time ever since I’ve come into existence I was excited for that ginormous amount of change. That’s until the world came to a screeching halt because of COVID-19. I’m not going to lie, I was very excited at first to just simply get a break. I was overworked and exhausted in every way possible so, my outlook on the world shutting down looked more like a blessing in disguise than anything else. That is until, unemployment never came and I got bored. Then the anxiety disorder that I didn’t think I had, became assigned to me like a role in a play and every mental issue I neglected for years shortly came to the forefront. For the first time ever, I had no distractions or excuses. I actually had to live with my issues and enjoy my own company which needless to say I hated every second of it. It also made me wonder how I have any friends because that shit was not fun. I knew I needed help, but I excused it for being busy. Having to sit with myself everyday with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and nobody to see really forced me to work on the relationship I had with myself. It turns out the most important relationship in my life was the one I neglected the most. I had a lot of anger and trauma that needed to get handled properly and in a healthy manner, which meant that I actually had to take the first steps in getting help and not just say that I’m fucked up and go on with my day like I didn’t start a war with my closest loved ones. I said last year that I was going to make my mental health a priority and I’m happy to announce I finally did. It only took a pandemic for it to happen, but beggars can’t be choosers. So, I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned over this past year was being content in your own presence is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. 2020 has been a shit year for literally everybody, but I think it’s been a key year in everybody’s life regarding growth and change. It’s not the year anybody wanted, but it’s the year we needed. 2020 is exactly like 20/20 vision. This was the year of seeing everything for EXACTLY how it is. It was for seeing, that there is beauty in everything falling apart at the same time. We all survived the chaos not because it doesn’t throw us off or because it doesn’t hurt. We survived because we shift, we re-evaluate what’s important to us and what needs our attention. The “little” moments aren’t actually that little; they’re the things that have saved us, always mattered, and held weight despite us making it out like they’re just little things we happen to do everyday. 2020 has felt like a sledgehammer to the head a million times over, but it has actually been the best year of my life so far. It’s made me face challenge after challenge that I’ve learned to adapt and overcome. This year has forced me to grow exponentially whether it be emotionally or mentally. Definitely not physically because if you know me personally you know I haven’t grown since maybe my sophomore year of high school. This year has also brought back a true ride or die and has allowed me to make a few new ones who mean the absolute world to me. You know who you are…*clears throat* best bitches. So although this year has been horse shit for everybody in its own little way, nobody would be who they are in 2021 if it wasn’t for 2020.
P.S. 2021, I don’t want any trouble from you. Just come in, sit down, don’t touch anything and keep your mouth shut! Let me live…like I was able to do back in summer 2016.
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Dear 2019,
I thought past years had tried me, but man was I fucking wrong. When I think back at the year I think of all the heartbreak. The moments where I thought I’d never be happy again. Or the moments where I felt so lost and like I didn’t belong anywhere. I had thought I had already hit rock bottom, but it turns out that there was a basement. If the Bailey at the end of 2019 was to tell Bailey at the beginning of 2019 where she’d be…for lack of better words she’d be suspicious. It’s a cliche thing to say, but cliche’s are cliche’s for a reason. 2019 was the year of heartbreak, but a big year for personal growth. By the time 2019 had rolled around it was time for a new me. The one that needed to find love for herself and focus on finding her own happiness. In the process of growing through heartbreak I changed the parts of me that needed to be changed and learned about some other parts along the way. Genuine happiness was something I didn’t know anything about. The last time I was genuinely happy from within was probably when I was a baby and it was because my mom handed me a cardboard box or some shit. But let me tell you, getting told “you look happier” from people who have witnessed you at your worst is an elite compliment. Through months of focusing on myself and making myself my number one priority I had found genuine happiness from myself; not from some food or friends or a significant other. Those other things just fill a temporary void and it’s unhealthy because when those things leave or are gone, you still feel empty. There’s the saying that you need to love yourself before you love anybody else and I was one of those people that believed in that. Until I realized you need to go through heartbreak to learn how to love yourself. Although I found self love and happiness, my mental health wasn’t the best. I might preach sometimes that it’s important to take care of yourself, but I’ll be the first to admit that I actually suck at doing that. My mental health was a struggle this year which made me realize my mental health has to be a main priority of mine. I never want myself to get that low ever again. Although this past year was filled with one too many lows, there were oh so many highs. Not only did I go to my first concert ever, but I went to a couple more after that. Including one that I took my mom too, which was fun watching my mom sing along to Shaggy. I made so many memories with my best friend that we still laugh about to this day. Later on in the year I spent a good amount of time at the beach which always helped me from being committed. I’ve also met the love of my life. I couldn’t have even dreamt of a love like this yet, here I am. Some might say it’s too good to be true, but I could only hope that everyone has a love like this in their life. A love that is simple, secure, and safe. So although my 2019 definitely felt like two different years, I’m beyond thankful for every up and down I had. If there’s one thing I will most definitely take away from 2019 it’s to truly love myself, flaws and all. It’s okay to not be okay. For the love of everything good in the world, just cry. So, 2019, you’ve been one emotional year…but thank you.
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