Dark Night Of The Mind

Shrouded in darkness, I cannot seem to shake this inexplicable feeling that something, someone, is scrutinizing my every move and thoughts, down to the very core of their frequencies. What is this place, where am I? It’s cold and damp. The misty air leaves a moist residue inside my nostrils and cools my throat on every inhale. There’s a thick odor of mold, so dense I can taste it. I’m confused and dizzy from the intense struggle of trying to determine my whereabouts. Turning my head right, I can faintly see a degraded, concrete surface. I stared for a moment as moisture meandered down its cold, hard texture. I see the same to my left, above and behind me. The only direction I can move is forward, down an almost pitch black, narrow corridor. This is eerily creepy, like some sort of masochistic antagonism. Who’s watching me? Is my despair and desperation feeding their sadistic ambitions?

In the distance, I see a dim illumination, but I can’t determine the source of it. I need to get closer. I try to move my feet when I suddenly realize I have no body. It’s so bizarre. I feel like I’m in my body, but it’s not there. How will I move? How can I talk? How am I feeling the moisture in my nose and throat? My invisible chest is feeling tight now as a wave of anxiety is washing over me, compounded by a piercing sense of dread and fear. Am I dead? Is this the afterlife? Where’s the soft, warm, bright light everyone always speaks of. Maybe I’m in between life and death. Could this be purgatory? Oh my God, what have I done? The agony of unknowing is gnawing at my core. I have to overcome this crippling feeling and move forward somehow.

With just the thought of moving forward, I starkly begin to move down the corridor towards that faint glint. It seems the mere intention of movement actually facilitated it. Am I moving though? Or have I just compelled the corridor to move past me, as I remain stationary? I can’t figure this out! OK, ok … I need to breath, calm myself somehow. I just have to focus on reaching that obscure light in the distance. All right, this is working. Just focus on that light. It’s getting closer now.

“Look at you, so consumed by your predicament you are completely unaware of me.”

What was that? “Who’s there? Hello? Is anyone there?” Frantically yelling isn’t solving anything, but I swear I just heard someone speaking. OK, focus, it’s urgent I get to that light. I’ll feel safer there, away from this entrapping darkness.

I shift my eyesight down towards the puddle-riddled floor. There is something written there: “Penetrate the light to see your reflection.” What does that mean? How can you see a reflection in a light? Who wrote that? This isn’t making any sense to me. I can’t think of that now, I need to keep moving.

Lifting my site back towards the light, it suddenly appears just as far as it did when I first started. How did that happen? This is beyond comprehension. I looked down for a brief moment! Maybe I walked backwards without realizing it. I feel like I’m going crazy and the intensity of my anxiety is reaching a critical mass. I realize now that the light is beckoning me, urging me to continue despite my apparent despondency. Ok, I can do this. I just have to keep my eyes on the light.

The odor in here is beginning to cloud my mind as I move closer to the light. It’s become so rancid. It doesn’t smell as it first did. Now it reeks more like that dead rabbit I once found in my garage. It’s sickening, nauseating. The closer I get to the light the more pungent it gets, as if it’s trying to keep me from moving forward.

“Enjoying the smell? I conjured it up just for you.”

“Who said that? Where are you and how can you see me?”

“See you? I don’t need to see you, I AM YOU!”

- BOOM! -

Oh my god! I’m flying backwards, deeper into the darkness! I can’t stop myself! An explosive, tornadic force thrusted me into a dark abyss! I’m blind! I can’t see anything, not even the dim light. What’s happening here? I’m so nervous. Let me see if I can feel the concrete walls. Nothing! I can’t feel anything around me! I’m so scared. I can’t stop trembling. What do I do, what do I do? Oh god, please someone help me, please, anyone! “Is anyone there? Please, anyone?” No answer. I’m desperately alone, entrenched in a thick, crushing, palpable blackness.

Wait, what’s that sound? I hear something. It sounds like … like music. It’s that song “Hotel California” by the Eagles. It just keeps looping that one line: “You can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave!” It doesn’t sound too far, maybe I can follow the sound to get to where it’s coming from. I have to try; it’s all I have left. Ok, I have to keep moving towards it. It’s getting louder, not much further. It’s close now. Just a little bit more to go.

There’s the light again, but it doesn’t feel like the first light I saw. The music is coming from where the light is. Just a few more feet away. My heart is pounding like a jackhammer. There’s a door in front of me that’s open just enough for the light and music to creep out of. Oh god, please let there be someone in here. Ok, slowly opening the door. What the heck! I’m staring at myself, in a body. It’s just standing there, next to a white desk with an old record player on it and a small table lamp. Darkness enveloped the rest of the room. It has an ominous smile on its face. How can this be? “Hello? Who … who are you?”

“Did I not already tell you? I am you.”

“But, how, how can you be me? You’re not me!”

“Oh, there is many of us here, and we are all you.”

I’ve gone insane. This can’t be happening. Is this a nightmare? It must be a nightmare, that’s the only explanation. How can I stop this? I need to stop this, I can’t take it anymore. I need to wake up.

“This is no nightmare. You are more awake now than you have ever been. Do you not understand? You are everything.”

I’m beginning to panic trying to understand all this. “No, I don’t understand. I don’t know who you are, where I am or how I got here. I just want to get out of wherever the hell I am.”

Its menacing laugh is penetrating. It’s relishing in my anguish. I need to get away from it and try to figure something else out. I’m feeling more confused and lost than I already was. I can’t make any sense of this; it's terrifying. What did it mean I am more awake than I have ever been? I need to get out of here.

“There is no way out. Have you not realized that yet? This is all you. You cannot escape it. Everything around you, it is all you. Can you not feel that? Look at me, there is no denying that I am you. You simply cannot exist without me, without us. We need each other. You need me.”

It’s coming towards me. The door, it’s gone! Oh no, god no. I’m stuck. I can’t stop shaking. Its voice, it’s getting louder. It’s colder in here. God no. No. No. “Help, please someone help me!” My breath is quickening.

“Stop shouting, there is no one here, but us. We will take care of you, forever. We will not let anything harm you. Trust us.”

Its shape is changing. Light stay on! The light is flickering off and on. What can I do? Its body is getting darker, shadowy. The features on its face are muting as they blend in with the darkness. The light! No. No. Oh god, it’s pitch black dark, again.

“Is it so hard to imagine? That all of this, everything here, is you? We have always been here, in the background, keeping you safe.”

Its voice feels like a thundering hammer striking against my voided flesh. Its breath is wretched, vile. Oh, god. What is this? These bars, where did they come from? They’re all around me. I can’t move. I am frozen. This horror has paralyzed me.

“Please, let me go.”

“Go? Go where? You are exactly where you should be, where you have always been. Here, with us. Stop fighting it!”

What’s happening? No, god no. I’m fading, feeling vacant and decrepit. It’s the shadow being. It doesn’t look like me anymore. It’s so dark it jumps out against a backdrop of blackness. I feel like I’m slipping into it or it’s slipping into me, trying to consume me.

“Come with us, be with us. Why make this hard on yourself? It does not have to be this way. Stop your whimpering and let us back in!”

No. I’ll close my eyes; it’s my only escape. I don’t have much strength left. What is that? There is a light shining on something; I can see it in my mind. It’s the Sun. The light isn’t shining on it; it’s beaming from it. It’s blazing towards a figure. I can’t make them out and they’re looking down. Wait, they’re moving their head up. Something is happening. They’re starting to glow. A vibrant, warm light is emanating from their body. They’re staring at me but the blinding light is making it impossible to see who they are. “You are the light you seek. Be that light, now.”

“How? How do I be the light?”

“Think back to that time when you were a child. You had fallen off your bike and scraped your knee. As you were sitting there grabbing your knee with tears streaming down your cheeks, a stranger came along to check that you were ok. They called you a tough little child and took your mind off the scrape. They wiped your tears away, gave you a hug, and then made a joke about how you broke the road. You both laughed as they helped you back up and grabbed your bike. Then, they walked you home, making little jokes along the way. They were the light. The light shines through as kindness and compassion, as love. The light is all around us and within us. Now is the time for you to be that light. Stand up, and shine.”

I’m feeling calmer, warmer, and more resilient. I still don’t know who that is but I have to open my eyes now. The room, it’s brighter. The light is back. It’s me; the light’s coming from me. The broadening light has pushed the dark entity back. I can see it clearly now. It doesn’t appear as frightening anymore. It’s staring at my brilliance, with a look of disbelief.

“You are not me. You have no power over me.” The more I speak, the stronger I feel. “You don’t belong here anymore; it’s time for you to go.”

“No, no. What are you doing? Do you not realize the mistake you are making? You will not survive without me!”

The bars, they’re gone and my body is beginning to return. I can see my legs and my arms. I feel empowered.

“Stop it. Stop this before it is too late!”

I’m standing up now. I can feel the ground against my feet. It’s soft and warm. The concrete walls and reeking aroma are gone and the space has filled with a warm light that has expunged the damp cold. A sweet fragrance of flowers has purified the previously putrid air.

“It’s time for you to go now.” My body feels an urge to start walking towards the dark entity. It appears transparent now. The light is pouring into it, absorbing it. “Leave, now.”

The light has exploded into an intensely mystifying, bright aura. It’s so brilliant I have to cover my eyes. I feel my arm glide down my forehead as I remove it from my face. The darkness, it’s gone. There are steps here. As I take each step, another one appears. I’ve reached what appears to be the last step. There’s a great ball of light in front of me. I have to walk through it

The figure, it’s here again. I can make out who it is this time. It’s me; the light being is me.

“You have conquered the darkness and penetrated the light. I am your reflection, your higher being. Rest your weary mind, there is no fear here.”

I feel like someone has injected me with a shot of pure bliss. As it courses through my veins, it’s elevating each individual cell, surging them into a state of unbounded peace and euphoria.

“You had to overcome your own fear in order to ascend from it and rise to discover the light within you. Now that you have confronted it, you have drowned it out in the light. That fear had influenced all your decisions. It had prevented you from reaching new heights, experiencing new paths. It used your very own sense of hope against you, manipulating your very own dreams and aspirations. That light, the first light you saw, this was I beckoning you to push past the fear. It used that against you and instead drew you to it. Your fear presented itself to you in your body in an attempt to make you feel incomplete without it. Insisting it was you.”

“It kept saying I was everything and everywhere.”

“Your own fears can manifest the most disturbing barriers to progress, all under the guise of safety and security. The concrete walls, the smells, the cold, the sense of anxiety, hopelessness and despair, your fears manifested all of these. It repeated that to confuse you, to appear as all-knowing in an effort to gain your trust. It required your credence and ultimate submission.”

“When you walk without fear, what barriers can there be? There can be none. What sense of trepidation can appear? None can appear. You will embark on new journeys without apprehension or dread. You will learn and grow more rapidly while attaining a higher state of consciousness. Chance meetings can occur that otherwise would have drifted into the ether, taking with them their potential lessons, unfelt joys and new bonds. Light will guide you to a place of wonder and exaltation, amplifying this magnificent experience of life, of love.”

“Would I not get hurt?”

“Hurt can still be avoided by trusting your intuition. Fear is never necessary. We cannot avoid some hurts, but from these we garner knowledge and from that, we experience growth. As you grow, your light begins to shine brighter, reach further.”

“What do I do now? Where do I go?”

“You have transcended fear and let in the light. As you spread your light, others may catch a glimmer of its divine nature, potentially moving them to overcome their own fears, even if just for a moment, consequently spreading more light into the world. You live free, unshackled. You move into uncharted territories, leaping from one magical experience to another, uninhibited, devoid of remorse or consternation. If you ever feel lost, close your eyes and quiet your mind, there you will find me. I will always be here to guide you. I love you.”

I didn’t know what else to say, so I simply said, “Thank you.” As I turn around to leave, my higher being started speaking.

“There is an old expression that suggests to feel the fear and do it anyway. Instead, why not lose the fear and do it every way? Be bold, shine bright, live fearless.”