Controlling People

All my life since I was a kid,I’ve felt controlled. Whatever I thought of doing or wanted to do,fear had stopped me everytime. Like I was pushed around or kicked down,even when I had a chance at happiness when it was right in my face or in my reach. You try to do something right or try to help only to have dirt kicked in your face or spat on for even trying to do some kindness and good for others. And to feel forced to keep doing good for them knowing you’re just gonna get treated the same way and having to keep your head down or blind yourself to it....that was difficult and saddening. I was so used to hollering,screaming and name calling that sometimes I don’t know when someone is just talking to me peacefully. Or I worry if I get or do something,the hollering and screaming matches begin. Sometimes I hesitated to pick something up or make myself something to eat because I was afraid it would be a target for an argument. Let me not forget the sound of broken materials and seeing little pieces of them on the floor. The whole house would look like the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina or a tsunami and you’re always the one stuck to clean it up,which also became a problem if it wasn’t. Yeah,I know. It’s more brutal than you think it is. Try spending your childhood listening to people who don’t even love you at all calling you names you never thought you’d hear as a child,making a big deal about little pieces of garbage on the floor,or starting random arguments out of the blue just to get a rise out of it. And anything you did right,always wrong. It was always a problem,no matter what. You deal with it for so long that it’s too close for comfort. Hell is a place you call home. When you’re young,you have no choice but to come home to it. Worse about it is you can’t say anything. It’ll make it worse. Especially upon you. Oh,the pressures of all the abuse. Emotionally, physically, mentally and verbally. Almost makes you believe this Is the life you were meant for. To be stuck in this abuse cycle for the rest of your life. No hope for freedom,peace, or happiness. Just stuck being screamed at or worried for it until the life is done for. Walking on eggshells being hard to do. Tears and heartache lay in and on your beds and pillows every night. Losing sleep because of worry and fear. Can’t even sit down for a second without that becoming drama either. You dream everyday of filling the empty space in your heart with peace and happiness,the world being rainbows and butterflies when it isn’t. Seeing some families happy and smiling,enjoying their time out and about whether it’s out to eat, at a park or at an amusement park. And you look at what you go through right now thinking “why can’t I have a life like that?” Or “how come we can’t go out in public without worrying about hollering and screaming everyday?”. To have the opposite happen is an impossibility for yoy because you've dealt with it your whole life!! Being a little older now,I know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life tolerating that kind of nonsense anymore and I don’t feel like I have to. Family member,friend,girlfriend,boyfriend,stranger. What time do I or should I have for that anymore when I can just easily walk away from it and not look back at it at all? Heck, why should I waste anytime on what I don’t have to deal with or tolerate? I don’t have to stay in the bull crap people want to pull. I don’t have to pull it along anywhere I go. I’m not going to let it chain me up or make me feel chained up. I’m not going to let it dwell on me or take over me and my life any longer. You can only take so much until you have enough and a person can and will do to you what you allow them to. But,no more. It’s my turn to call the shots now. It’s my turn to run the show. It’s my turn to say what I need to say. It’s my turn to feel free for once.