Control varies

I bake.

Baking isn't the hardest thing to do, in fact the complexities of baking varies with each recipe. Its a common place thing that has countless instagrams and cupcake shops or shows to choose from.

I have found that baking is a-lot like my everyday life yet gives me such a nice breather. Life is hard. Even as you do the things you're supposed to it is hard. You could do everything right, and put as much effort into something like a job or interview or project and it could still go to shit. I have a six year old son. I stress the values like kindness and consideration but one day when he’s older he could just say screw it all and decide to act differently then how he was raised and I wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. Yet it would all fall upon me because it is I who raised him, I who taught and showed him values and character that he should strive to have.

I can take comfort in baking. There is something about having more control over every variable of my recipe that calms me. The right measurement, the right heat, the correct amount of cook time. Every one of these variables I have control over and it has very little chance of going astray unless I myself mess up.

One of my favorite things to do when everything about my everyday life seems to be out of my hands or falling apart I like to make macarons. It's a finicky recipe. Apart from the regular measurements you can over beat the eggs, or over fold the macaronage, or over cook the shells or if the climate you're in can affect the outcome. The process is something you have to pay attention to, carefully handle. I wont say they come out completely perfect every time. Even after having been making them for so long I still till this day make mistakes and they dont come out right. The beauty is I can take comfort in knowing exactly went wrong by their outcome. In life and your decisions you still may never know why things didn't work out. Yet with a macaron if the feet dont raise properly you know the oven temp was probably too low. If they come out hollow I over or under baked them. These controlled variables bring me comfort. The control brings me comfort. The knowing what went wrong if something did go wrong or the completed beauty of a well made macaron is a consistency and it brings a sense of safety and wholeness I dont always feel.

When a recipe comes out the correct way and they look and taste great it warms my chest and brings me pride. Not to mention the compliments or looks I get when I share pastries. Ive been told many times I should make it a business. Pressured mostly. When you have something purely for love making it a source of income almost changes your relationship with it. I dont want it to become an obligation, I want to keep it as a way of escape and control that I can run to when everything else feels like a sand castle I'm trying keep whole in my hands.

I know some people find comfort in their mind going blank so they choose other things like yoga and meditating. Ive always had trouble with my mind not running. It’s not an easy thing to not think about what you need to do or could do or should be doing. Thats another beauty in baking, having a task to focus on, measuring right, folding right, baking right, keeping track of the baking time. Everyone needs an outlet. One that fits them and how their body and mind work, sometimes its an easy find and sometimes it takes multiple tries of multiple things but in the end when you find something that balances you individually it makes all the difference. It what makes a cake or cookie light, fluffy and delicious or ugly lumpy and nasty, like life.