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Confessions of a Over-Cluttered-Messy-Unorganized-Can't-Follow-Through-Forgets-Forgets-Suddenly-Remembers-and-Forgets-Again-Thirty-Something

Maybe it's Maybelline, maybe it's adult ADHD

By Christine HollermannPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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This is the before photo, after I cleaned it up a bit.

I am a messy person. I am an unorganized person. Since I was a child I have been making little nests of items and never picking them up. My family lovingly (and sometimes with some frustration) calls these 'Chrissy piles'; a few books and a knitting project on one end table, a bag of tortilla chips, a water glass, and an embroidery project on another end table, my socks and dirty laundry after sorted by the kitchen table, a blanket and a large crochet project and my nintendoDS on the couch with me with are regular sights when I'm around.

I experienced no end of shame in the last two jobs because I can't stay organized, and often, understandable natural consequences, and occasionally some targeted borderline bullying. I do not revert to these states of chaos on purpose. I try to achieve and maintain everyday but I couldn't do the things and I didn't know why, though not for lack of trying.

I have spent hundreds of dollars and thousands of hours learning about new organization methods, I've Marie Condo-ed my apartment twice (both before the picture above). Yet still, I revert back, and I thought this was absolutely, unavoidably, who I am. I've sited the source to a number of reasons; trauma history, personality trait, character flaw, not enough time, and even used the old cliched standby, it's my parents fault(sorry mom and dad, though stick around, turns out it wasn't your fault). Maybe there's a grain of truth in one of those but once you're in adulthood and living on your own, for decades, can you really still claim the reason for *your* actions are because of someone else? I thought, well, hell, I guess this is just the way I am and for whatever reason I have some deep rooted psychological issue that makes me an inconsistent achiever, and a frequent mess maker.

Then, as has happened more than I'd like to own, I saw a Tik Tok that ended up making an enormous impact on me. I couldn't tell you what specific Tik Tok it was now, but it was one by an adult woman with ADHD about adult women with ADHD. After hyper-focusing on her content I found myself on ADHD Tik Tok (and delighted to be there) seeing myself reflected back in these posts. My heart softened to myself. What if these cluster of traits weren't so much a character flaw, as my brain being wired differently, and what if my severe childhood anxiety that continues to this day, was a response to mask this? I already love myself, flaws and all, but discovering that there could be approaches that work for me and my brain, opened up a world of possibilities. A world where I could be a boss ass bitch one day, I could run my own company, do hard things that require organization (as so many seem to) and I could do these things consistently.

One of the things I've learned (and deeply resonated with) about adults with ADHD is the tendency to underestimate how long something will take and overestimate how much you can do so in making a resolution this year I was not setting up pedestals to be toppled like, for example, having 24 resolutions, which is what I tend to do most years. This year I made one: find a routine that allows me to move towards the life and woman I want to be.

For me, that resolution include being organized, something up until few months ago I did not think was possible. Struggling with ADHD means I struggle with executive function and when faced with a mountain of Chrissy piles (seen above) my mind gets paralyzed. I literally don't know where to start and then I start feeling panicked, like a failure, and full of self-doubt because I truly don't know which task should be first or which ones are most important when left to my own devices. Then I shut down and eventually go do something else.

So as a gift to myself and my partner (fellow ADHD adult) I got us a subscription to ADDitude magazine and their online archives and did some digging. I've been building a routine that includes built in tidying time 3x a week for 1.5 hours each day. I felt ready to tackle this and looked forward to the first Monday of the new year.

Until it came and I immediately had a meltdown because I didn't know where to start and I defaulted to my common response when this happens; avoidance and distraction. I got up to leave the room 5 times in the first hour and made myself sit down. Maybe I couldn't clean it but my schedule said that's what I was doing for this time so that's where I was gonna be. Pouting, unproductive, but present.

Somewhere around the hour and 10 minute mark I realized if ADHD adults' struggle with staying organized, we probably struggle on getting there too. So I went back online to the archives and dug around; finding some helpful tips about what tends to motivate ADHD people (for me it's play, humor and fun) and strategies to begin. So, I put on some music, stood up, and went to the first space of cluttered terrain, a decorative latter I have by my front door, and I started going through it. Removing things that didn't make sense there and leaving them unaddressed, focusing instead, on getting this area taken care of first and in 15 minutes the latter was done. It was time to move on in my schedule but each day I have tidying up on my schedule the more I get done building my executive functioning skill set to compensate for my ADHD brain which cannot naturally determine those things.

I've always loved resolutions and new year, the feeling of a fresh start, even if they only last a little while they're fun and refreshing. I savor the notion that a new year is a clean slate, because, not shockingly, I always feel like I need one. I've always done resolutions, drunk on the possibilities of potential realized, though, typically I do have 12-24 (2 per month, duh). This year I'm doing just the one. Excited to see what this next year and one resolution brings.

Progress, not perfection.

goals
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About the Creator

Christine Hollermann

Getting back into writing after a couple years break. Going to start my first book this year. Tips appreciated but never expected.

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