Coming out as a Gay Christian
Reconciling my faith and my sexuality
I wish I've never had to go through this process. But, hey! You don't get to choose everything you have to deal with in life. Yes, sometimes you get to "chose your battles"; but most of the times, you don't
So, here we are. I don't want to lie: the journey to reconciling my faith and my sexuality has been tough. And I'm not sharing my story as a guide to coming out as a gay christian, just because each and every story is as unique and personal as the individual who carries it.
During more than 12 years I had to deal with statements like: "You can't be both". "Keep fighting those demons". "Let's keep praying and fasting". "You might have the temptation all your life but you can still decide to be celibate".
But after 28 years of life I was finally ready. I was ready to assume I was Christian but also Gay. I was ready to assume I loved God but also men. I was ready to assume that I was loved by God the way I am, but maybe not so loved by people the way I am. I was ready to assume I would need to fight all my previous mentality. I was ready to assume it wasn't going to be easy. I was ready, still terrified. I was ready, still didn't know when or how to do it. But I knew deeply within my heart that that precise moment was the right one.
It was a very long week of August 2019. I couldn't sleep at all. I barely ate. After 7 days of insomnia and non-voluntary fasting, I woke up at 1 AM and could't get back to sleep. So, one hour later, I decided to write my coming out letter (which it's pretty self-explaining, so I'll share it with you). Here it goes:
My Coming Out Letter
Most people go through some moments in life that help them better define who they are. The past year has been one of those moments in my life: one of the hardest yet liberating I've ever lived.
To make the extremely long story short, I had accepted (to myself, my friends and family) that I am gay.
Since I have memory I've been attracted by same sex people. I've fought and tried to suppress these feelings for more than 12 years. Years of suffering, shame and guilt. The fear I lived with has been killing my faith: fear that God wouldn't love me. Fear that my reputation would be ruined. Fear that my friends and family would leave me. Fear of being an abnormal being that needed exorcism.
During my very first years of this journey, I've repeatedly thought about ending my life. Nowadays that is not even close to an option: life is way too beautiful and valuable. It's way better to breathe in, take courage, take a leap of faith, step out the comfort zone, and live as you were designed and created.
The past 12 years have been such a long journey. The tears, fastings and prayers (mine and other's) could probably be registered in a book as long as the Bible. Therapy sessions, reconversion therapy sessions and casting-out demons prayers have been as frequent as using antiperspirant (same goal: cover up the "ugly smell").
I've tried so hard to be a perfect son of God. Tried so hard to set an example of Christian life. But I know now, for sure, that I cannot change. I've hella tried and it brought so much pain.
It's been, it is and it will be hard; but I've come to reconcile mi faith, my love for God and my sexuality. For I've not chosen to be gay, but I am (and it is not my duty to convince anybody about this matter).
Gay community might find hard to see me passionately serving God within a church.
Christian community might find hard to see me passionately serving God while being gay.
But for sure I know and I rest on this: God loves me as I am and it is not going to be hard for him at all.
I really hope people can see my heart in this words and will keep loving me. I'm still the same person, the same God loving and people loving guy. This is a part of me aswell, that I've accepted, and you now know too. I am both Christian and Gay.
I trust God, and that love will take care of the rest.
And there I was, holding my phone on my right hand. Reading once and again the letter I've just finished at 4 AM. I still couldn't sleep, so I decided to hop on the bus and go to the closest beach to see the sunrise (for if I was going to start a new life, I wanted to do it when a new day was starting).
And with a similar view to the one above, I hit send and sent the coming out letter over text to my mom, my dad and my brother.
I was shivering and sweating. I couldn't control my tears. Tears of freedom. Tears of relief. Tears of joy. A burden had been taken from my shoulders.
I would like to tell you that every reaction I received from my christian relatives and friends was supportive, but I'd be lying. And though it was way better than what I expected, I know this is not the case for everybody.
But what I know for sure is that, no matter what is the initial reaction of people around you, it gets better.
In the next stories, I'll share some more about how I was able to theologically reconcile my faith and my sexuality.