Chronic Feeling-Like-a-Slacker Syndrome

I've never felt more like a superhero than after I chug a venti cold brew with a shot of espresso. I get off that toilet feeling invincible; it feels like I have the chance to meet the self-inflicted expectations of the day. It only lasts as long as the existential dread stays quiet.

My body is overly sensitive and easily addicted. Something that can be used to my advantage but often self-sabotages. Caffeine is something I have a very low tolerance for, yet crave every waking minute as I have this foreboding fear of wasting my potential. I chronically feel like I'm not doing enough, which is what often leads to me not actually doing enough.

I enter every day with this expectation to be a spectacular actor, writer, filmmaker, brother, son, boyfriend, friend, philanthropist, general manager, athlete, teacher, student, and recently piano virtuoso? I also saw Dune and want to become a resident badass, so let's add ass-kicker to that ever-expanding list.

Expectations are tricky, because it's necessary to keep them high. We don't want to become complacent or lazy, or worst of all, a disappointment to our parents. But, too high, and it becomes this overwhelming monster that makes you feel like a terribly worthless human being.

I enter so many of my days with the weight of wanting to be brilliant in fourteen different roles. This inability to focus often leads to me shitting the bed on all of them. Enough repetitions of that and I find myself doubting every aspect of my identity. I stop showing up as I build this story of it never being enough.

This overloaded list of expectations is overwhelming which oftens leads to me resorting to some form of coping mechanism. Burn out happens at an alarming rate and the constant use of coping mechanisms only add to my feeling of inadequacy as they feel lazy. They often are lazy.

I've had various forms of coping mechanisms to disappear into. I've created fictitional reality competitions in my head between superheros. My latest method of choice has been playing Madden Football on Arcade mode, breaking career records in a single season with a maxed out running back. The reality of my privilege to even have these overindulgences hits me like a brick, as I feel even worse about myself and feel even weaker that this is the kinda bullshit I'm getting stuck on.

I volunteered at the SPCA throughout high school as an animal handler and adoption counselor. Not because I'm a good person, I just love animals. You can socialize without having to actually talk. And one of the cornerstones of our training was in utilizing positive reinforcement to encourage behavior change versus the negative feedback loop. We worked with some dogs that were heavily abused, so the goal was to start injecting more love into their lives instead of fear-mongering. I was always more than happy to praise good behavior instead of disciplining bad behavior in the pups, yet when it comes to my own life, I'm fear-mongering out the wazoo.

David Goggins has his iconic line of, "motivation is bullshit". It's something I love because there needs to be a balance between finding what we love and being accountable to put in the work to keep growing and moving forward. So the response to this entire article can be to just "suck it up". People have it worse, stop being weak, put your nose down, and grind it out.

That's been one of the biggest reasons I just haven't been happy. It's a privilege to be able to be motivated by happiness and I often feel guilty for wanting that in my life. There needs to be the accountability to show up whether you feel like it or not, because there will be days you're just not in the mood. But there needs to also be a driving force. It's not about mindlessly plugging away because it's what you think you should do. It's about finding what gives you fulfillment and happiness so you can grind towards what actually matters. Delayed gratification needs to still lead to gratification.

I chronically feel like a slacker because I'm chronically focused more on the things I'm not doing and the privileges I have that make me unworthy of feeling any moment of weakness. I judge myself for not doing anything without realizing that's the very reason I'm not doing anything.

Perhaps this all comes from how much easier it is to look for things to fix when I don't feel like I'm enough. It's the secret evil of self-help: the fundamental belief there is something wrong with us for not capitalizing on every waking minute. Every action and activity is fueled by a need to prove or a need to find value that will never be realized as long as our focus is improving the laundry list of flaws that will never stop increasing.

It's all about self-empowerment. It's also about not feeling guilty about self-empowerment. I've intentionally knocked myself down many pegs trying to make up for my privilege, wanting something to triumph over and lord as proof I'm actually fundamentally worthy of being here.

Maybe if I focused more on the ways I'm moving forward in the right direction, I wouldn't have to rely so heavily on coping mechanisms to avoid mental breakdowns. If I focused more on what empowers me than what proves me, I can rocket forward instead of wallow backward.

The ultimate truth is at the end of the day, nobody lives the life we have but us. I've made so many decisions in my life based on other people focused much more on their own lives than mine. The first taste of success I had in January brought the people I'd fought so hard to prove wrong a brief moment of "wow, cool" before moving along with their day.

This is all stuff I believe and know, but I still fall into the trap of chasing productivity instead of fulfillment, which tends to be unproductive. I'm lucky and blessed to even be in a state of chasing either of those while many are just fighting to survive. In the grand scheme of things, the only thing that matters is spreading as much happiness as we can. It starts by allowing ourselves to be happy instead of seeing it as something to feel guilty or ashamed of. Because, really, that's the more selfish option of the two.