Change

I stood staring at the wall in my kitchen. It had suddenly hit me that if I actually was to leave my job I would be leaving a pension, regular, punctual, consistent pay, status and a certain level of security. Moving from these things had never really bothered me before. But that was ten years ago. Things are a bit different now.

I started to panic. "What am I doing?" "Am I stupid?" "My parents wont be happy" and a plethora of self doubting voices impersonating me started to tell me off.

The previous months had been torture. Pressures and problems constantly increasing. An already fatigued, exhausted and spent self did its best to pick up the pieces  and keep up. The noise of the classroom, the demands of the children, constant observations, exams, middle management boardroom  bureaucracy and constant negotiations between curriculum, content, statistics and goals moving further and further away. My body had its wake up call. Cold water was viciously thrown onto my face. Whilst looking at that kitchen wall, I shivered and remembered the pain. I shivered as I remembered what my body had to go through to get here. The only option that was left was the unknown. A black abyss of uncertainty. The risk. The gamble.

I G'd myself up -  "I am entrepeneurial. I have a wide skill set that a variety of institutions need. I got this. I will create something new. That's who I am."

I walked down the hallway contemplating the uncertainty of the future. As I walked past my aloe vera plant, I noticed something. I noticed that one of the stems that had broken off last week, lying in the pot. In it's place on the plant there were two new stems growing.  The plant was dear to me and I despaired at the damage.

I picked up the broken stem and held it in my hands. It was thick, juicy and still very colourful. This stem represented the workplace and other personal matters that I will be moving on from. It had 'removed itself' from the rest of the plant. It felt as though it talked to me. It told me to appreciate what it was but not hold on to it. It whispered to me to look to the two new stems as they grew. I had to let the old stem go.

Change is scary. Sometimes we hold on very, very tight to what we are familiar with to the detriment of our personal growth. Sometimes we hold onto things longer than we should. Letting the aloe stem go was hard, but the rest of the plant needs to be cultivated  and focused upon in order for the next phase to be successful. Life can be messy. It's not always neat. It's not always cheerful. Our test of mettle often comes with how resilient and adaptable we are. This is how species survive. Even the fingers that tap this keyboard has regenerated 7% of itself within the last 24 hours according to  scientists. That means the person who is reading this blog right now (you) was technically  a different person last week if 7% of you is new each day! We are breathing in 'new' matter and ether all the time. We are also dispensing the old versions of ourselves (physically) every moment. Unfortunately though we can still  cling to old ideas that worked before but need to be changed  now in order to adapt and overcome. I hasten to add that perhaps marriages and serious relationships might be a different kettle of fish. I will not be held responsible for inspiring relationship breakdowns. I am not the Anti - Barry White.

How do we get better at adapting? How can we improve our ability to be fluid and resilient? I think the answers are vast. However, no matter what, I think the following is worth thinking and giving a try:

1. Be kind to yourself.  2. Know (learn) yourself  3. Grow yourself  4. Believe in yourself. You made it this far so you are a badass.

One Love.

(originally written Jan 2018 as 'Aloe Change' )