Broke College Grad Diaries - Part 5 - Self Reflection

Hey, me. It’s you, from 2021. How are you doing? You don’t need to answer that – I’m you, remember? I know you’re struggling and if you could hear me ask “how are you”, you’d probably be so happy because people don’t ask you that enough. There still aren’t a lot of people who care to ask that now, but those who do, genuinely care for you… Me… Us?

I know that you’re not really loving yourself a whole lot and somewhere along the line you convinced yourself that eating bowls of plain lettuce would at least make your body loveable. I wish I could shake out those silly thoughts and make you realize that you’re doing more harm than good. But, it’s okay; I’m alive which means you made it through just fine. You’re okay.

You’re going to have many years of feeling confused about a lot of things, but your sexuality is perhaps the most puzzling. Trust me, I know how tightly you’re keeping that closet door shut and others telling you you’re someone you don’t even understand is really scary. How awful it was for them to treat you differently because of your voice and the way you carried yourself through the hallway. I know you’re wondering why they couldn’t see you as you and not feel compelled to slap on label on your back; a label that they themselves didn’t even understand.

Because of them and the way they look at you, you feel the need to hide yourself to try and keep people from questioning about things you have no answer to. And it feels hard to love yourself because you aren’t sure what parts of you really belong to you and what parts you created. You do find it, though; the opportunity to find your true self and the ability to love every part of that self. It’s not in some stranger you meet on an app or in feeling accepted by a group of friends, but hidden deep within yourself, once you break down that closet door.

(And, wow, does it feel good!)

How am I doing?

Honestly, I’m hurting right now as I’m writing this, in the most miserable way possible. What compelled me to write to you was a sudden overwhelming sadness that seemed like it was going to bring me to tears but, just as I thought I was going to cry, nothing poured out of my eyes. The tears didn’t dry up; I could still feel them welling up. And the sadness, too, did not leave my heart but instead hung around, taunting me. So unsatisfying and so unfair! Seriously, at least let me cry it out if you’re going to suddenly make me sad! Our body has no respect for our emotions!

I guess it still feels like nothing is going our way even in 2021. We’re not where we want to be, doing the things we wish we could. And we’re still wondering if we’ll be a complete and utter failure despite how far we’ve come. But we’ve always been good at neglecting the small wins and exceptionally good at not trusting ourselves. There are days I have undying confidence – tonight just isn’t one of them.

Everything mentioned here has frequented my mind lately, I suppose, and I think that might be why I’m feeling what I’m feeling (and imagining I can talk to you). Even though I can’t sit you down and tell you all the things you need to hear, I can promise that you are strong enough to make it through this. I am you, after all.

It’s 2021 and we’re still as imperfect as can be, but some indescribable feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me that it’s all going to work out. So, keep going.

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