Being to me

Sleep is the one thing I can always leave for later, I’m ok with a couple of hours I would say, have a soda, or coffee, eat a snack, it will wake you up they would say, the worst part is that we reach for the bad snacks, the sugary drinks, at least in my case. For years now I have been running basically on fumes, bad eating habits, terrible sleep patterns, and being a diabetic, I was on a path of self-destruction, a path that was not comfortable but it seemed it was the only way to get things done.

I was always telling myself that soon I would start eating better, exercising, and making sure my sugar levels would be on track, I lied to myself about what I could achieve, what I was going to do as soon as I had more time. The funny thing is I had time I just did not know how to manage it, like many of us I put everything and everyone ahead of my needs. Need to be at work, need to make dinner, need to drive them places, need to wait up for those out late, need to, need to, need to, but I did not ever say need to rest, need to take time. I ate, binged, and slept when I should have been doing more to grow my business, but that was because I was so exhausted that my body would just give up, and then the guilt would attack.

Lazy, careless, irresponsible I would say to myself, and the cycle would start all over again, this is what I did to myself for years, then the kids grew and I thought ok, what is your excuse now, no more set schedules, you can do this, and try I did, until the pandemic stopped me in my tracks, sit still don’t move if you lock yourself up like they say you will be ok. So I did and back again at binging, but sleeping was easier, with no palace to go, nothing to do, I slept. And then got depressed.

I was approaching my 50th birthday and thought will I get there, it was terrible; doing nothing to change my view, it was dark and lonely. Every day I tried to make it out of bed, find a job, and get back on track, 2020 was bad for all of us, but all I could see was the negative that I had created for myself.

Finally, I got a job working from home, embraced the world of writing, found a platform that gave me a chance at learning a craft, my work from home job also gave me a chance to stay in touch with people without having to go out, and one step a time I learned to take care of me, I started by writing a journal, I wrote down all the promises I ever made to myself, and all the faults I always saw in me, I found that while writing my journal I was able to think about the next step in healing. I didn’t do it alone, my family was there like they always have been, I finally listened.

On the new journey, I have learned to take time to breathe, like real breathing, I step outside for a ten-minute break during my work shift, and I just breathe, I dropped carbs to a minimal amount, and learned to say “I am, I need, I want” and that is a great thing to do. I now sleep 6 to 8 hours a night and if one night I need to stay up late, I make time to take a nap the next day, I also go for 1-hour walks during my lunch break and take my vitamins, eat more fruits and veggies, hardly drink anything with sugar, I drink tea, and water, I snack on nuts and berries, I can’t say that I made a promise, or that I have kept up with a new years resolution. No I simply got pushed to change or die, In 2020 I got hit with shingles, vision problems, and skyrocketing sugar levels that could only be controlled with changes not just medication.

As I reached my 50th birthday I took a deep breath and cried in happiness I reached a milestone, and I was happy but realized that only with change will I be able to reach another goal, and so we went past 2021 with success, and I kept my self-content by looking at my progress, as we approached the beginning of 2022 I did make a promise, one, take a trip back home, and that is my goal for this year,

As of today, I am sleeping still 6-8 hours a night, I walk 45 minutes a day, take three 5 minute breathing breaks thru out the day, I have lost 16 pounds, and am making my way slowly back to writing, I began so many projects but left them during the time that I was too tired to finish anything. Today the mornings feel so much brighter and full of hope, today I have time to be me and to be good to me. Breath in breath out, in with the good, out with the negative. I am, I exist, I feel. I am good to me.