Being Real

I’m a professional giver of soothing experiences. Mostly in the form of bathing people in sound. To help you understand what I mean, here is an example of what I might write to describe one of my soundbath events:

“This experience is designed to help you let go of stress and worry as it calms your nervous system, bringing you into a state of deep peace and tranquility. We will begin the experience with a light movement series followed by a guided meditation to get our bodies feeling loose and our minds feeling calm before receiving the tones and vibrations. Then, you will simply lie down, relax, and allow yourself to be immersed in the mystical sounds of crystal singing bowls, a gong, koshi chimes, a rainstick, and a Tibetan bowl. As you are taken on a journey through sound, you might experience a sense of openness and expansion as well as feelings of creativity and inspiration. Many people feel as if they’re brought to a place that feels like home. The most common experience during Allyssa’s soundbaths is a feeling of deep peace, as the sounds seem to speak to your soul, conveying the message that everything is ok.”

My job is literally to help people feel calm, and yet I experience so much anxiety myself that at times it can feel suffocating. I hosted my last soundbath at a yoga studio near where I’ve been living, and 34 people came to experience my offering. It was the most people I have ever played for. I felt the weight of those 34 people like 34 bricks on my back as I struggled up a steep and unforgiving mountain. I was responsible for the way those 34 people felt over the course of the next hour, which would in turn affect the way they felt for the rest of the night, which would affect the way they felt for – well – every other moment after that.

As I looked at those 34 people, my heart started to beat faster and I felt a constriction in my chest and a knot in my stomach as I thought that in front of me were 34 opportunities for me to be judged. I felt all of my demons oozing to the surface, clouding my mind with a thick, dark smoke as my thoughts turned fearful.

“They’re gonna think you’re stupid.

You’re so weird and awkward.

You’re not gonna know what to say.

They’re gonna sense your anxiety and you’re gonna make them feel uncomfortable and they’re gonna wish they didn’t come.”

To which the more loving part of me was, like, “Stop.

They did come and they came for a reason.

Remember why you do this.

Because other people feel this too.

And you’re here to dispute this energy.

To help everyone connect with each other through experiencing a deep sense of peace together.

To help everyone remember that everything’s ok.

To bring everyone back home.”

And so I came back home. I looked around and the 34 bricks had turned into 34 lights – 34 angels looking at me and smiling, ready to receive what I had to offer. I now had the opportunity to significantly impact 34 people’s lives. To touch their hearts and soothe their souls. And so I looked around at everyone with love in my heart, a spark in my eyes, and probably a visibly shaking body, and said “This is the most people I’ve ever played for before,” to which everyone laughed.

From there on out, I let my heart lead the session. After I guided everyone out of their soundbath slumber, I looked around at everyone, energetically connecting with each one of them and said, “Thank you all so much for sharing this experience with me. I appreciate you all.”

Because I did. I really, really did. I felt so grateful to have had the opportunity to share my gifts with and receive the support of so many people at once. After the session, many people came up to me to thank me for a beautiful and relaxing experience. One woman specifically said it was “Really, really beautiful.” She looked into my eyes and I could tell she really meant it. I saw a divine reflection and it felt like the Universe was speaking directly through her to me. I couldn’t help the tears from filling up my eyes. And then she said something that, not to be dramatic, but I feel like changed me forever.

“You know what I really loved about you?” she asked. “Your authenticity. You seem so genuine,” which caused the tears in my eyes to fall down my face. Because that’s all I ever want to be. And so much of the time it feels so hard for me to open up, express myself, and let myself be seen.

But she saw me.

They all did.

And that one comment sparked something within me that inspired me to be the most authentic version of myself I can possibly be.

So that’s my New Year's resolution.

To live more authentically in every area of my life.

I thought about the things I do to take care of myself – meditating, listening to music, going for walks – but none of those things really triggered that spark of inspiration that I felt I would need to write a whole story about. And it might work for some people, but I feel like setting specific goals can set us up for inauthenticity. Because what if I set a goal to meditate for 30 minutes/day, but during my free time I just feel like turning on some music and shaking and letting my body move however it wants to move to get all the stagnant energy inside me flowing? Or if I set a goal to spend more time outside every day, but when I get home from work, all I want to do is lie on the floor, forget about my life for a minute, and do nothing? Going outside for a walk would just feel forced and I’d be grudgingly dragging my feet the whole time and it wouldn’t really make me feel any better.

So I’m deciding to commit to truly being authentic with myself – really tuning in and asking my body what it needs at any given moment, because I believe that our bodies often tell us loud and clear what it is they’re craving, but sometimes our minds just yell over them, insisting they need to move in a certain way or eat a certain food in order to be “healthy.”

For example, I’m writing this right now because I felt a wave of inspiration and the words started flowing – not because I’m forcing myself to. I’m tuned into the flow of energy that makes doing feel effortless. I believe that there’s always a higher flow of energy that if we allow it to, will effortlessly carry us along the path that will bring the most peace and love to ourselves and others. Many spiritual teachers call it the “path of least resistance.”

It’s an allowing – a state of being that allows life to move through you and guides your every move in a harmonic way that makes you feel like you’re always doing the right thing – that fills your body with an astounding “YES.”

A "yes" to all of life – to this entire existence that we can’t possibly even try to comprehend. We have no idea how or why or what we’re doing here, but when we allow the ~flow~ to carry us, the “why” doesn’t matter.

We don’t even wonder why anymore – all that matters is the undeniable “fuck yes” we feel coursing through our veins that instills within us a certainty that everything is exactly how it’s meant to be.

I don’t know how I’m going to measure whether or not I’m honoring my goal of living more authentically, but I don’t think I need to. Since the idea is non-tangible, it has to be felt. And as long as I intend to allow the higher flow of energy to carry me and I continuously do whatever genuinely feels good for me to do in each moment, I’ll feel satisfied.

And maybe you will resonate with all of this or maybe you won’t,

but I feel like part of the reason I saw this challenge was so I would really slow down and think about how I could best keep my mind and body feeling at ease – and to allow for the epiphany to come to me that the answer is authenticity. And the state of ease that we exist in when we live authentically carries within it that state of deep peace – the feeling of being home that I feel so passionate about sharing with others. And the more that I feel at peace, the more I am able to extend that energy to other people, through sound and through soothing experiences.

And maybe even just through reading these words, you will feel inspired and at ease yourself – because writing this feels like medicine to me and since we’re all infinitely connected, any one person’s medicine shared is bound to be medicine for someone else too. I don’t know who I’m writing this for – at first it felt like I was writing it to submit to a challenge and then it felt like I was writing it for myself and now it feels like I’m writing it for you.

I hope you feel me.

I can feel you.