// BEING (Almost) 18 //

Wow. It's almost here. I'm 2 days away from being 18 and I don't know how to feel.

I know that more opportunities are going to come my way in life and I know that more things are going to open up for me—my world is my oyster at this point. But still. More responsibilities. More time to manage.

I hope that I change. I hope to wake up the morning of my 18th and I feel that tingle in my chest. I know I won't look any different—I haven't since I've been 14. I know I won't walk any different. Dress any different. (Probably) say anything different. But I hope that over the course of this year, I change. I hope over this course of the year to let some bad shit go; and learn how to love myself again. I hope I learn how to be comfortable being so independent for the first time but also, once more again. I hope I change myself—fine-tune myself, more so.

When I was freshly 17, I gave up on trying to please everyone. I gave up on trying to make myself look good, even if it was just for myself. I found my inner voice and with that, my true inner personality came out the strongest then. I don't know if it was good or bad. I don't know if that phase of my life was a good thing or a bad thing but I'm too self-aware to know that it was also ugly at certain points.

I was too this or that. I was too loud and stubborn. I suffocated people with my vocalness. I wasn't level-headed. I did irrational things all of the time because I thought I was right. I thought I was right all of the time. I had a big ego and I thought I was the shit. I still cared about my normal things; my friends, my earth, my dog. But I've realized it's gotten to be too much and I need to change before I get older and before you stop learning. When you get older, bad habits turn into something that you can't change. You become stubborn in your ways and philosophy--if you let it get to your head. I don't want to become that stubborn. I've seen my grandfather, and dad and his brothers become that way with age and I don't want to carry on the trend.

I hope with this year, I learn how to become quieter. I need to be quieter in everything I do. If there's one thing that I've observed from all of my quite friends and all of the quite people in my life, people listen when they speak because their voices are rare to be heard. I need to speak love and peace and kind words again. Not be so snarky and smart-ass. I need to ground myself again. Remember my roots; remember my morals again. Maybe develop some new ones.

But on the complete other end, I also hope I go to rad parties and have a lot of fun but I hope I leave enough time to do well in school. I hope that I get good enough at surfing to compete in the spring. I can't wait to be apart of the SCLU. I feel like there's going to be a lot of opportunities here. I feel like a lot of of opportunities are going to come my way. I'm glad to be independent and do whatever I want. I miss my friends and my dog and my home like hell but I think a lot of truth unfold in this new year. Time will tell the truth. Time will tell the truth...

I know my birthday isn't going to be with my old friends this year, and I'm sad about that; but maybe it was for the better. Maybe it was to question who was the real one and who wasn't. I wish I could see my friends on my birthday though. Anyone would be great. I don't care at this point. I wish someone would show up on my door with a huge hug and a day with nothing to do. I wish I could see him again. I wish I was closer to friends. My only wish was to have a bonfire with my friends and party under the stars. But that got cropped. And now I'm here. So I'm a little sad right now. A little angry at my dad for being an ass about letting me go home, even though I have 6 days off next week. I don't want to be alone on my 18th. I don't. I'll see what happens. We'll see what my 18th holds. We'll see. In the meantime, countdown starts now.

xx

-lo