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Be Yourself

The best-worst advice, and the skill of self-confidence.

By Lewis ForsythPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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"I'm just so miserable, I'm anxious around people, I don't know what's wrong but I just get so nervous, I don't know what to say". I exclaim in a desperate plea for some help.

"Be yourself" Says Joe.

Thank fuck for Joe. Why hadn't I thought of that? Apart from the fact myself is a petrified who's child who's whimpering and crying at the thought of speaking in front of someone, sounds like a great idea. It's a good job he was there to solve all my problems with two words... Prick.

Its an easy fix when you're self- assured, to tell someone all you have to do is relax and be yourself and your problems will melt away, but for anyone genuinely suffering from social anxiety the problem is a little more complex.

Unfortunately, social anxiety seems to be the next glucose free diet. The fad sweeping millennials like ecstasy at an 80s rave. With alarming frequency this 'condition' is popping up in conversation, diagnosed 'willy nilly' by the self proclaimed dot com doctors armed with google and a secondary school education.

This doesn't mean to say that it doesn't exist as a condition, there are some people who literally can't leave the house, muster a word or sit with new people and for some people, this article won't help at all. But for the majority of you youngling Facebook warriors, I'm about to let you in on a little secret.

Everyone is socially anxious.

There isn't a person on this planet who at some point hasn't been self-conscious, nervous and anxious in a social situation, and the majority of people still are. So I guess now you are wondering: How do they appear so at ease?

When you were a young child, you were much less self-aware, much less concerned about how you appear and saying the wrong and right things, but as we grow older, we naturally compare ourselves to our peers and crave approval and acceptance. This is part of our emotional intelligence or EQ.

This EQ is actually extremely important, and your level of anxiety is directly related. So stop, take a second and congratulate yourself about how you're actually really emotionally intelligent, if there was a GCSE in being emotional you'd be on an A*.

So your anxiety is coming from a place of worrying how you appear of your natural comparisons and self-awareness. Of course, you'll tell me that we shouldn't care what people think! And to some extent you're right, you shouldn't care what they think of you, but maybe you should care what you think of you.

Its easy to say, don't care. But you can't really help it. We all crave the approval of our peers. So if everyone is feeling like this, how do they manage to be so calm and confident? Two reasons:

1. Self-confidence is a skill, not a trait.

What do I mean by this? When you were first learning to walk, you would fall down, trip and stumble. But sooner or later, after many many attempts you could run a mile. Granted, you may still trip up now and then and you may not like running, but for the most part you can run when you need to.

Self-confidence is the same. It takes practice and effort. It isn't something you have or you don't have. A social situation just becomes a run, some people will be much better because they run all the time, but how can you expect yourself to join in, if you've never learned to walk.

The issue is, you have given yourself a label and an excuse. "I have social anxiety so I can't..." etc. This means you don't have to practice the trait because you're scared of failing. Truth is everyone in that room feels like you do. Difference is they've practised what to do in that situation.

So what should you do? Do the hard thing: Speak, ask some questions. Do a dance, say something when you think it's funny, and yes, it will be tough and you might not ever stop feeling anxious, but it will get easier and easier every time. You just have to practice so that when you feel anxious you appear confident.

2. Approve of Yourself

I would guess you have low self-esteem. You don't think much of who you are, and I guess when someone tells you to 'be yourself' you're not really sure what to do with that. Well, let me help. If you don't like you, then you no doubt will expect everyone else not to like you. So to get over your anxiety it is absolutely essential that you learn to love yourself.

If you think bad about yourself, then that's who you're being." An ugly dick who nobody will like" is who you think you are so that's who you'll be, and thats what others will see. You have to understand that everyone has flaws and positives, and it's knowing that it's okay to have flaws to not be perfect and accepting those parts of you that will truly allow you to "be yourself". Maybe you are 30 stone. Maybe you have a hairy lip. A lisp, a mole on your forehead, but that's fine. There a million more things about you which you can feel good about. Like that A* in emotional intelligence.

I'm not saying you're perfect or you're shit, I'm saying you're both and you have to accept your flaws, and be comfortable with them. Then it doesn't matter who sees them, you know them as a part of you. But beyond this, celebrate yourself for the skills you do have, give yourself praise, even if it's just for making it this far.

Funnily enough part one, will help you overcome this. And so will putting down your phone! Social media will only make you feel worse about yourself. But in the long run, self acceptance comes over time. You'll notice most old people don't care about what others think of them. So be patient.

To conclude:

In doing these two things you'll overcome your social anxiety. Stop looking outside for a reason for your feelings. Understand everyone feels this way and all you have to do is keep practising the skill. Force yourself to talk to people, force yourself out of your comfort zone and learn to love yourself for who you are (Warts and all!) it's okay not to be perfect. It's not going to happen overnight it will require hard work, persistence and lots of set backs, but it's worth it.

So next time you hear "be yourself" it's actually great advice. Know that what it means is to know yourself and practice the social skills so that you can show who you are.

Sincerely,

A self-assured fat dude with a reasonably good writing skill who's a dab handy at the guitar.

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