Apologizing to my Chakras

When I was 5, my oldest brother looked me in the eyes and promised me he wouldn't let go of me, I was hanging by a tread, under me a trail of dry soil heading towards the deepest side of the river; he laughed as I cried for him to help me up, he let me go, I could hear his loud laugh accompanied by his friend's as my body hit rocks and dirt scratched up my face, sliding down I finally felt my legs wet, instead of letting the last rock hit me, I held on to it as I used it as a float, I didn't know how to swim, and in the deepest side of the river, I knew I wouldn't win the current: so I held on, while picking myself up.

That turned out to be my audition for what life was about to become for me; every encounter after that I didn't measured with trust, I measured it with my own strength.

This weekend, my brothers and I made plans to have a dinner at my mom's, we all spoke about how we've been and what we got going on; in the midst of my mother calling me hyper independent, one of my brothers stopped her and said " who do you think she got it from?" and we all turned to her as she claimed she was conditioned like that, her respond got me thinking and I haven't been able to shake it; am I mad? no why would I be? this is the core of healing, understanding that you can not teach something you were not taught.

I did have a moment of reflection on the drive back, contemplating how my hyper independence has molded me, how it has allowed me to flourish in concrete, and how it has also allowed me to drown in my own pride.

My independence, my strength, my pride; the way I deal with pain, sometimes shocks even me. Now, I've said this before and I will say it again, I am not a victim, I do not associate my trauma to nothing but my past, lessons that molded my core. I didn't learned my independence or strength or pride from my trauma though, I learned it from the women I've seen kneeling down in pain too many times throughout my childhood; that's why her validation is essential in all of my success, that's why she drives my compass of it as well.

A few entries back I wrote about this, about how I've freed myself from corporate, from needing her validation, and how I was prepared to jump into the unknown: it turns out, I am not. I didn't jump. It turns out that with so much sea, myself as a duck intimidated the crap out of me, and so I decided to follow, to go back into what I know best, to go back to where I excel; I've sat with myself for some time now and the truth is that my passion for helping will always be bigger than my passion for entrepreneurship.

I sat in front of my mother and stared as her face lit up after she heard the news, I am going back to corporate, and it's not that I am not happy about it, I am; I just wish I had the balls to do the same on my own terms, with out an establishment nor her validation. She gave me the "this is what's best"speech and I had no doubt that it came out of scarcity, my savings were getting low and though I've been doing gigs here and there to maintain, she would call me to ask "when are you going back to work?" I didn't have the balls to reply " why can you be supportive, mom?" but I know that this is her version of being supportive, this is what she understands as being secured. This is how she understands financial freedom, this is how she sees success.

I am not blaming my mother for my lack of balls, this is not what this entry is about; I am taking full accountability, I've allowed my mother to influence my decisions, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't need her opinion because to me, is like a gold star.

XOXO

Lucy