An Everyday Struggle

Life is full of uncertainty.

As hard as it is to admit being hurt so many times, I will say I’m still thankful for those people that have not given up on me, even though many things I have hidden away and done my best to not let them show based off of how I interact, treat, and love others.

I’ve been through so much in life and a lot more than most people go through in a lifetime, but finally I have decided to open myself up to maybe give some hope and inspiration to others who may need to hear something that could simply give them the strength or will to not give up.

So, I offer a glimpse of my life to you, and here is where I will begin.

I was raped at the ages of 7 and 15. I knew I was gay at the age of 8. I did not boldly come out until age 15. I told my grandmother first and mother soon after with the help of my grandmother. It wasn’t the easiest place of course to do this because I was born and raised in the south, Louisiana specifically.

When I turned to the church during such hard struggles, they turned me away and said I was better off dead. I tried to commit suicide that same night because I felt like I had no one else I could truly turn to. If I wasn’t welcome at church, where would I be welcome? If my own family could not love me, who would? I was raped 2 days later.

Fast forward to my 30th birthday, and I would soon be diagnosed with breast cancer and skin cancer 5 months just after that. But I am proud to say I lived through it just like the rest of what I had to endure in life. January of 2018 and May 2018 will make 3 years being cancer free.

In the middle of February of 2018, I ended up in ICU due to my blood pressure bottoming out on me and I barely survived by a matter of minutes. I was in a coma for roughly 12 hours. What hurt the most was the fact that doctors thought I tried to harm myself but it was far from the truth since I already have low blood pressure, and it was a third tier ADHD medication that I was on that caused the issue since I was taken off all my medications back in October of 2017 from having had a seizure in my sleep.

I had the seizure 2 days before my 32nd birthday while asleep. My husband had to witness the horror of it all. I’ll be honest and say I can’t even bear to look at someone having a seizure in a video so I know my husband of 11 years was scared beyond all belief. Because of the seizure I had, my license was suspended due to California state law and it took nearly 6 months to get it back even after extensive testing, doctors visits, and far too many medical bills. Due to having no license, I had to get carted around like a child to everything and lost my one true independence, driving, that I got when I was 15. But I did realize from this incident that driving is not a right, but simply a privilege.

To not be far too detailed and make what would be a very long story short, I was abused for over 20 years both physically and mentally. My husband, Marcus, has been the most amazing thing to happen to me with my dog Brie. Because of all these medical issues and me losing all of my medications, causing me to fail my senior year of college for my 4 year degree... there’s only so much I can deal with in my life. I suffer from cluster headaches too, as if the rest of this stuff isn’t enough. Eventually I went on to find out I can’t have children and was even told I would need a full time live in nanny if I ever even wanted to get a child... that knocked the wind out of me and just left me hurt and speechless.

My psychiatrist of seven years had to up and close practice due to medical issues in September 2017 and it honestly felt that I truly lost a loved one and my true mentor. I saw him every month for 7 years... heartbreak... I have another one and she’s a riot though... she dresses very nerdy gothic which is bizarre to me, but I love it...true story. Anyways, that’s enough of my dirty laundry and nowhere near all of it.

But I continue to be thankful and hopeful for the simple fact that I continue to wake up each day. If this says a lot about me, would you say you were surprised that I have hid this away from even my own family for all these years? But I’d give everything I simply have to see another person happy, especially my little brother. I worked a lot and very often while growing up and gave everything I made to my mom and yet never asked for anything. To simply see my brother smile truly made me feel so happy just to see him happy.

This list could go on and on but I’ll stop here.

But let me ask you something; if I could ask of you one thing, it would be for you to heed these words I am going to tell you:

There comes a time in life when you have to put yourself first. Until you do this, you will never truly enjoy life if you simply don’t have yourself. I get told I’m one of the most selfless and genuine kinds of people for years even though I don’t see it or think it... just learn to put yourself first for once, if you are like me especially.

I cherish everyone for simply being themselves. All it takes is just one person to make you want to truly live for another day when things get rough. And I’m very thankful to have people like this in my life be it near or far. I willing give those that I can a piece of my heart, I openly and freely give it to them. Just do the best you can in life and follow the old philosophy..."someone has it worse than you do”... Yeah, I say that after what all I’ve been through. If I can follow that, I’m sure anyone could.

Much love, respect, hope, hugs, kisses, and truly all the best wishes life can bring to you. Simple gestures of kindness will forever go a long way and truly spread happiness which is one thing everyone should be able to experience in their life. You can easily impact someone else’s life and not realize it from just a simple gesture and act of kindness.