Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing

Being genuine, true and real is of unbelievable value in this world filled with “fake news”, misleading advertising and outright fraud. It seems to me the world would be a much better place if people stuck to the truth even if it is painful. Think about the impact it would have on relationships; whether at work, school, socially or in the family situations if people could count on each other to be honest and forthright in all of their dealings. Something as simple as the perpetual question of whether or not an outfit “makes me look fat” or “Do you think I’m qualified for this job?” or “What do you think of this piece of art I made?” Being frank may not spare someone’s feelings, but consider perhaps that we have gone too far away from the truth in a misguided attempt to comfort each other or “cushion the blow” of reality. What would really happen if everyone was just honest.

Mark Twain, as was his custom, put it very simply when asked about whether or not he was ever dishonest and had a very down to earth reason for telling the truth. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything,” he said. But he was not always so committed to the practice of truth telling or at least not when there was no profit in it, “ Honest is the best policy - when there is money in it.” In his private correspondence with family he also expressed his preference for the truth, “I would much prefer to suffer from the clean incision of an honest lancet than from a sweetened poison.” The last quote is a bit more medicinal in form but does cut to the point. Truth may be painful, but there is also harm to be had from sugar coating messages, opinions and criticism.

I would say that the movement we have seen in the past few decades toward “Everyone is a winner” is a massive deception. Now, I beg you not to mistake my meaning here. I do believe that everyone is an all star in some manner of endeavor. Everyone is “gifted” with something that makes them special. But that does not eliminate the idea of “Best in show” or a Gold medal being the ultimate achievement in a sport or other contest or comparison. I contend that it is the but that comes after the compliment that is most valuable, not the compliment itself. “That is a great picture, but it could have more impact by doing…” People who are not willing to take suggestions or critique are disingenuous if they think they are above the fray in their perfection. I would much rather know that someone enjoyed my work despite, or perhaps because of, its faults than be drowned in platitudes on it’s perfection.

Again, I fear I may be misunderstood. It is not that I do not value compliments. They are important and are a great way to build up those around you and brighten the world by sharing your appreciation for those things you feel deserve recognition. I just don’t believe in the value of empty praise. I also contend that we don’t have to settle for empty praise either. Even if someone falls flat on their face, the effort is due praise. But a distinction should be made between the exceptional and the “also ran” in the world. Be supportive, but be honest. Tell me what I need to do better at, so I can learn and improve.

For the last year and a half I have worked in Survey research and nearly universally our clients find so much more value in customer responses that are thoughtful and critical rather than those that merely relate how wonderfully flawless their experience was. As a manager of people for over a decade I always make sure that when I praise someone it is specific to the work that they have done so they know I really was paying attention to the details they put their effort into. This precision and honesty means so much more than a blanket or simple “Good job” and a virtual “COVID appropriate” pat on the back. The other side of this is to be just as precise in your critique. Tell people how you really feel so they can honestly evaluate your comments and their own performance or behavior. Make the suggestions with an attitude of encouragement and the hope of bolstering future success, but by all means give it with both barrels. We can take it and be all the better for it.