A blessing in disguise

I’m not sure if this year has gone for you like it has for so many I know. Covid hits, Kobe dies, everything goes on lockdown, jobs are lost, lives are lost, hope is lost. For a large part of the year it felt this way to me. After having my first child in late February, and immediately facing a disappearing partner, covid fears and restrictions, post-partum, and sleep deprivation, I was pretty sure I was headed into the book of revelations. This is where it ends. It literally could not get worse for me and mine, or so I thought.

Everything that happened after my son was born felt like a blur of negativity. My grandparents died, I had to live with my sister because my sons father left me high and dry, the stimulus package that came through wasn’t nearly enough to support the financial burden of a newborn child on top of the cost of the medical bills from his birth. Every single news piece I saw on Covid drove me crazy. I was fearful enough, and I could basically feel my pulse rise with the numbers on the screen.

I cried more days than not for months, and eventually got to what felt like my lowest point. The feeling that I could not survive this life. The constant sadness, the new life that I felt I must be failing in some way despite my best efforts, the exhaustion, and the feeling that my body was no longer mine. I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore, and what’s worse, is when you’re that tired you don’t remember that you can’t until you face yourself again in the flickering dim lighting, and feel hopeless.

If it weren’t for my son’s smile, I may never have made it long enough to realize the blessings that were before me. I’m not quite sure when it clicked, or when I began to feel more like my old self again, but I do know that it happened. I started to take inventory of what I had in my life, and I was amazed at what I found.

Despite what initially felt like a violation of privacy during a very personal time in a woman’s life, I had a sister to live with for the first 8 months of my sons life, and of my life as a new mother. I never stopped to realize how incredible it was that I had someone who had been there, and could recognize the pain, and struggle in me. I had complete love and support.

I had the ability to stay home with my son for almost the first entire year of his life. How many women, and men for that matter, wish they could spend more time home with their newborn children, but can’t because of circumstances, money, expectations, position, etc? I had that opportunity. I had woken up every morning with him, and put him to sleep every night on my own. What once felt like an unfair burden left entirely on my by his father, suddenly seemed like an amazing blessing.

I was able to start exercizing again on my own schedule, and when my son was napping. I had forgotten how important it was to me for my own mental health, to exercise on a regular basis. I started with walks with my sister and my neice, and graduated slowly to 30 or 45 minute workouts as I could get them in.

I ate home cooked meals 99% of the time, for 9 months! I can’t remember the last time I did that since I was, ummmmm 12? What a great feeling to be preparing meals alongside family, and then setting the table and sitting down together and talking about our days. It’s easy to forget how nourishing that can be for your soul.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 2020 has given me new perspective, new life. It’s turned my have to’s into get to’s, my I’ll do it later’s into i can’t guarantee that there will be a later so do it now! It’s changed my constant worry about tomorrow’s into today deserves every bit of love and energy I can muster for it, and I’ll worry about tomorrow, well..... tomorrow.

Life is all about perspective, and after letting the negative rule my life for far too long, I’ve decided to take control and flip the script. Think about it, of the things that you have complained about this year, how many can you flip and turn into an amazing blessing? This is my challenge for you.