5 Tips on How to Cut Toxic People from Your Life

The following are opinions of the author. The author is not a licensed counselor or therapist.

“Be the person you needed when you were younger.”

This famous quote by Ayesha Siddiqi has resonated with so many of us who have struggled with childhood trauma. As we grow up our trauma, if left unchecked, can cause trouble in our life; especially our relationships. The trouble can start with those closest to us- our family. Failure to change the toxic narrative of familial relationships can cause unwanted anxiety, depression, and self esteem issues.

The following are 5 tips on how to heal your inner child when facing toxic and sometimes abusive family members. They can also be applied with toxic relationships in general.

1. Journaling

Even if you don’t feel like you're a great writer, the purpose of journaling is to process through your feelings. When writing about the incident that has caused you anxiety or stress, think about how the other person acted, what you needed from them, and how to let it go. Often the last step, letting it go, involves feeling empathy for the other person. Not justifying their actions, but looking for ways you can see things as they do.

If empathy is hard for you to express at the moment, simply rationalizing the other party’s nature can help you to let the incident go.

An example- “My sister called me fat in that picture and that really hurt. What I needed was for her to say that I looked good. Maybe she responded that way because she is insecure about her own weight right now.”

Often times when people attack you, it actually has nothing to do with you; it has to do with their own insecurities.

2. Self-Soothing

Self soothing can look like a lot of different things. For individuals with childhood trauma, it can be difficult to pin point what self-soothing is or feels like. Through my own counseling, I’ve discovered self-soothing can be whatever I need to feel better after an attack. Hug yourself, dance around to your favorite songs for a few minutes, do some demo work on the house, take a bubble bath, go for a walk, play with your dogs- the possibilities are endless.

Of course, when feeling sad, those things can be hard to do. When anxiety causes you to have negative thoughts, especially those inner critic thoughts, the ones that scream over everything else and tell you that you're worthless or stupid, or a failure, taking care of yourself can become difficult. That’s why an important part of self-soothing is championing for yourself. Talk to yourself as if you were that inner child.

Ask yourself- What do I need to make me feel better? For me, one huge thought is- “you are not who they say you are.” Replacing negative thoughts with ones that build you up are crucial to self-soothing.

3. Know Your Support System

Any time you are going through a life changing process, it is important to have a support system you can rely on. Maybe you have a tight circle of friends, a romantic partner you can lean on, or a counselor or therapist. You want to have people you can trust, who want to know what’s going on because they care, not because they just want to know.

Its vital that you don’t rely on these individuals 100% when dealing with an attack. Try to process what is happening on your own first, and then pick a time to relate to your support system what happened. This allows for you to calm down after an incident and avoid lashing out at people who actually care about you. A good support system will listen to understand, not to respond, and wont judge you for how you feel.

4. Establish Boundaries

Establishing boundaries can be a tricky, emotional process. Maybe you talk to these toxic people every day and have created a codependent relationship with them. Maybe you go through anxiety when you don’t hear from them every day and think they're mad at you or you did something wrong. These thoughts are not okay!

When you reaffirm boundaries, you are shifting the narrative of your relationship with the other person, creating a new pattern. There will be backlash from the other person as their control over you begins to wane. This backlash can appear in the form of silent treatments, threats, emotional/verbal abuse, or slander of your character. There is no black and white when it comes to setting boundaries. Maybe you change from talking to the person every day to every 3 days. Maybe you decide once a month is good for you. The point in doing this is to free yourself of the control the toxic person has over your being.

In some cases, when boundaries are not being respected, blocking the individual and giving them a separate emergency number (like the number of someone in your support group) may be the best thing for you personally.

Developing boundaries can be like going on a strenuous hike. Imagine you set out on your journey feeling prepared, but along the way you feel weighed down. Why are you struggling?

Your companion has put rocks in your shoes, they've tied your shoe laces together, they've drunk all your water without refilling it. People who don't respect boundaries can be like that sabotaging hiking companion.

Don't let them be!

5. Trust Yourself

Invalidation of feelings and emotions is a huge concern for individuals with childhood trauma. Negative comments or questions like: “Did that really happen?” or “Aren’t you just over exaggerating?” can be discouraging and exasperating. The fact of the matter is- everyone has their own story, and no one knows what’s in yours except you.

When facing issues of perspective, asking your support system what they think on a matter can help. Maybe you want to double check if you were over reacting or if you did in fact come across mean to the toxic individual. When dealing with negative influences, having a strong sense of self can help a tremendous amount. Know who you are, know your worth, and apologize for nothing. You are not your trauma, its okay to be vulnerable and work on past issues. Doing so does not make you any less of a human being; its actually the opposite.

The previous tips are things the author has come across as helpful in their journey of self-acceptance and healing, she has been seeing counselors on and off since 2018. All writing is 100% opinion based.