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Miss Independent

By Lucinet Luna - The Author Published 3 years ago 5 min read
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Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

When I was 10, I broke a light bolt that my dad had asked me to replace in the bedroom; I was on a latter, he was right next to me, I am not sure why I got nervous and let the light bolt drop to his feet; dad was not the type to get mad and yell, he was the kind to carried me down while he looked for another bolt. He asked me if I wanted to try again and I said yes; I did it, I replace the bolt and cleaned the case while I was up there. Some time ago I wrote about Kintsugi, the art of the Japanese, the art of becoming independent, the art of trusting yourself to do all that needs to be done, at times with help and at times alone, but always to be done.

At 6 I witness the most terrorizing moment of my life, my brothers were taken from me in the middle of the night, in the middle of my mother’s weakest time; that was the moment I felt my strength for the very first time, I felt it as passionate as one would feel love for the first time. At 14 I had to wait out the direction of my path, my mom had to undergo surgery, and she left my rapist as the adult in charge; at that moment I felt my faith, like a current from the 7 seas, I felt my knees weakened as the hours went by, as every breath pulled destiny closer. At 18 I decided to fight, fight for my body, fight for my ‘no’, as the blood from my busted lip made its way down my chin, I fought, I did not let up until I felt my legs running, until determination washed through me chased by adrenaline.

At 21 I was choosing laundry over dinner, study over sleep, AAA meetings over friends, I felt my commitment for the first time, I felt myself betting on myself, I felt the air that came with believing in yourself against all odds. At 27 I became a mother for the first time, I felt my lioness for the first time, I felt the need to protect and to love even if it meant hurting myself because at 27, I felt what being selfless felt like. At 29 I pushed my second child into this world after 19 hours of pain, after feeling the need to be gentle with myself, at 28 I felt patience glue me back together.

All my life I have always followed my own strength, even in my scariest moments, in my loneliest days, I have managed to make nothing out of something, and though at times strength took me to dangerous places, intelligence always found an exit. Something I never told anyone is that, in my scariest moments I thought of being held down against my will on my own bed and that thought would fuel a fire of determination in me, that thought made me a savage, cutthroat, tunnel vision; I could have been dead multiple times, but that fire burned so loud that I am still here.

A woman would do it all, alone, to show her independence: a smart woman would do it all to show her value.

Yours Truly

Once my dad told me that I had the power of a thousand men, my dad was an Army man, old fashion not very much amused by an independent woman; but very much impressed by a woman’s value, to which I did not understand the difference until recently; anyone could be independent, not many can be of value, independence in a situation is a knife on a table, value in the same situation is intelligence. My dad made it his job to make me into a valuable independent woman, I can do it all, with or without help, I can make magic, I can destroy the same, I carry the knowing of having myself, and the art to use when I must.

Independence, intelligence, the emotional capability to know the difference and the choice to master the savage in the same; remembering that pain, anger, environmental changes, situational changes, and all that surround us do not deserve that savage every time, remembering to be selective, to be mindful, to be calculated, to understand that feelings and reactions should not be in the same traffic lane, because you will crash.

I learned recently that being independent, intelligent, valuable, confidant and all the descriptive words that will paint The High Priestess in your mind, is a gift, a gift that many down play because society puts this label on it, a label that many consider to much to handle, because being strong is man-like, being independent is man-like, being able to protect, love and being abundant is man-like; until a woman shows that she is of value; she could take your independence and make it an empire, she could take your strength and become a worrier, she could take your protection and multiply it, and she could definitely take your abundance and still give you something you lack.

I don’t have it all, there are days I lack strength, patience, determination but I understand that though I am strong sometimes I need to be weak, though I am patient sometimes I am impatient, though I am determine sometimes I don’t know which direction to choose, sometimes I want to be held, in quietude just to feel human, just to feel like I don’t have to be in war, just to rest.

I decided to go into Helmet mode, because I am angry, I am hurt, I am bleeding, I am broken; I decided that I need time to be human, to rest, making this choice have not only made me feel vulnerable, it has also proved to me how far I’ve come, how much of me I love that I would rather go into silence instead of going savage. I decided that healing is priority, because greatness without peace of mind is an empty party room.

XOXO

Lucy

healing
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About the Creator

Lucinet Luna - The Author

I've written two books; I decided to keep my blog, because healing is like an onion and I want to see the process, I want to be able to come back and read about all these layers and feel as proud as I am right now.

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