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365

By Lucinet Luna - The Author Published 3 years ago 6 min read
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Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Ever since I knew what materialistic things were, I also understood that we were poor.

One pair of black sneakers for the school year, one uniform, which now as a mother I realized meant that my mother had to work harder at maintaining it, for us to look presentable. I have always been grateful, if you ask anyone who knows me, I can make a whole meal out of 5 bucks, less if I am being honest; I once had a dollar for dinner, I got two coffee cakes and a juice, until 8am the next day when I would be eating a hot breakfast at JobCorps. I am not scared of not having, I fear having and not being grateful for it, people forget that once they have nothing when they get everything. I woke up today, to my 3rd bonus this year, 2020, and the overwhelming feeling of emotional exhaustion hit me, it hit me hard, I cried like a baby, I cried because I feel grateful for all I have, but I also feel the deepest sense of needing to help those who have not been as fortunate as I have.

I’ve never been ashamed of my story, never been one to sugarcoat any of my experiences; it took lots of dark moments for me to be able to have all I have in my life, financially speaking and also mentally speaking I’ve had to work my ass off just for a paycheck, I’ve walked from downtown to home because I didn’t have $2.50 for the bus or the train, I had to choose between my cell phone or food, I looked at it as cellphone is opportunity, someone could be calling about a job, food will make its way to me; when I was in the shelter, I met the most two amazing women, they taught me everything I know about survival. I remember walking to a church with them, as we laughed and gathered food, I thought “how much is this going to cost? “because though naïve, I knew nothing in this world is free, we didn’t only get a shopping cart full of food, we were also invited to have a hot plate, so we did; and when it was time to go, they just said “be bless''. That was the first time my heart jumped out of my chest with the need to help, with nothing but free food in my cart, no bank account and less than a dollar in my pocket, I wanted to help.

I am the 4th out of 6 of us, I am the only girl, I dressed like a boy for most of my life, the irony in that makes me smile; I got hand me downs, and sometimes they would fit but other times my mom would make the necessary corrections for it to fit me, one time in PR my mom gorilla glue my shoes, because I needed shoes for an event in school and we couldn’t afford new ones, by the end of the event I was walking on my feet, and my mom looked so embarrassed so I started laughing, until all of us started laughing. She did her best, and sometimes while I am speaking about the relationship with my mom, I sound wishful, it's not the best relationship but she is my mother, and though she could only do what she sought as the best thing to do, I can't blame her for not knowing how to love me, or how to trust me; I love her because she didn’t let the current take all six of our little bodies, she fought to get us out of a situation she was born into.

I lost my dad, December 4th, 2019; my dad is by relation my grandfather, I had 31 years with him, 31 years of his love, his care, his life: not nearly enough. My dad was raised in a harsh environment, he enlisted in the Army to get out of that situation, married my grandmother and had 8 kids, in and out of home because of the Army he knew little about parenting. My grandmother did most of the work, like my mom she did what she was taught to do, once dad was done with two wars, he returned home to be a Sergeant to his own kids; people are unable to give what they were never given, it might sound like an excuse but truly is not, my dad was never told the simply words “I love you” so he saw no fault on never saying it to no one, not even to me.

When I was 21, I ran away from home because I was getting raped by Rafael, I was welcomed into a shelter, I was enrolled in a vocational school where I went 5 days a week and a 12-step rehabilitation group, to which I had to report to 3 times a week. I was given clothes from the 99-cent store, I was given food from pantries, I was expected every day at 8pm, I was in the middle of my survival and I did not even blink. I had a couple of earth Angels, and if you do not believe in those, I assure you that they exist, without these group of people in all parts of life, I would not be able to be here, telling you about my life.

When I was 16, I was hit by an 18-wheeler, one of my front teeth was knocked out and I needed to get my teeth readjusted, my right knee is weaker than my left, and my nose is prone to bleed by the softest touch; I am told that this tiny tumor in the left side of my brain will eventually grow and take over, due to the impact of the accident; point is, I was hit, was in the hospital for a week, and then went back to school because I had exams. I am one hell of a strong woman, I take every opportunity presented to grow, and I don’t always make the right decisions but I always check mate, all of these experiences, they all have a different part of me, material things mean absolutely nothing to me, and yes I want to have a beautiful home, and a car, and all that comes with a healthy living status but I want those things to be a reflection of who I am, not what I have. I now have financial freedom, I can eat lobster for dinner every day of the week, or I can invest in learning different recipes from different countries around the world. I can buy brand clothes, or I can go to Goodwill and get excited about the color of the day. My favorite: I can keep giving what was given to me, or I can work on myself, on becoming the best version of myself for me to love, care and support to the best of my ability.

I am not scared of anything in this world, whoever knows me, knows that I have jumped out of a plane, I have done things that seemed crazy, I’ve hurt, I’ve bled, I’ve screamed until my lungs felt the burn, I’ve fallen down and gotten myself back up; the moral of this story is, you are not your childhood, you are not your circumstances, you are who you want to be, there for, if right now you are someone you do not align with, seek until you find who you want to be.

365 pages start today, what is your story?

healing
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About the Creator

Lucinet Luna - The Author

I've written two books; I decided to keep my blog, because healing is like an onion and I want to see the process, I want to be able to come back and read about all these layers and feel as proud as I am right now.

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