110

I am on my porch, after a long day at the desk, I needed some fresh air; I went to see my stats and I am deeply confused, this week was all about what is next on my spiritual journey, I met with a wonderful coach and I got some direction, but as my mouse stopped on the views and hearts of 104, the one where I talk about Rafael, I felt confused; I wrote it on an empty wall, a silent street, so I am not sure how come that is the most read, the most reacted to of all the numbers . Then I thought, maybe this is direction; this history book is all about my healing process, but in order to heal I have to write about the experiences that made me hard, that left me speechless, the ones that betrayed my soul.

When I started this journey, I didn’t think many would read, I didn’t care how many people saw the ugly in me, but now, now that the number of views had tripled in less than 3 months, now I am wondering if vulnerability is something I am open to, and you might say that is the fingers typing, that is faceless, that is the fact that I am behind a screen, but this is not a book of fantasies, these are my numbers of scars, these are mine, Lucinet Luna’s scars; also I didn’t change my legal name because these are MINE.

Lately change has been undeniably emphasize in my life, as I grow further into this beautiful Empress, I am painfully leaving friendships, situation-ships and even the desire for a 9-5 career, something is ticking and I am not sure if it's my Ego, trying to rush me through the process or if it's divine timing lighting up the path with twinkle lights. I love my job, I can say that my career in the medical field has filled me with joy and knowledge for all of these years, learning is one of those things that I am afraid I'll stop doing as I get older, as I start getting comfortable, I want to feel this passionate about helping my community always, not just while I am actively leading for change; is scary isn't it? that maybe tomorrow that desire to help would be redirected, towards an uncomfortable path.

That look someone that has gotten their medical insurance terminated, or that look someone who is told they don't qualify for help because of their immigration status, that look is the one that wakes me up and makes me fight everyday, the look in a kid's face translating for their parents, the look of a sick elderly person, without options; those looks are my passion; my passion has been redirected: 9 to 5 no longer awakes that desire, the feeling of lost took over last week, and as I struggled to find my way back to center, I was yet again, diverted.

The tone of voice of someone who is desperate, the desire to further their knowing feeling, the want guidance, the way I can feel each palpitation of their heart while in the same room; that lights my passion now, the support of holding space for someone, when they are venting, the feeling of hopelessness; the hope that I can give direction to someone who feels lost; lately that has overtaken my passion, I walk in a room and my emotional state begins to connect with every stranger, eager to answer their mental questions, eager to give them the key of self rediscovery, self artistry.

Akashic Records; I spent about 40 minutes talking about my ancestors with the great Vanessa C. after a week of overwhelming changes all around me, I needed direction, I needed some sort of compass because I refused to allow Ego to direct me into doubt and frustration. I learned so much about my past lives, my divine squad, my ancestors; it was one of the most profound talks I've had in 31 years. I was surprised to hear about where my ancestors came from, where they've been, where they want to take me, the amazing trailblazing paths we've all been part of.

Did I find direction? I found more. I found my center, walked right into my deepest insecurities and collected courage to apply for college, for financial aid, found courage to reclaim the power I've come to adore in me, found that passions get deeper, they penetrate each layer of healing, like Ocean waves, like a full moon, they start reaching unilluminated territory; the words " You feel lost because you are going somewhere they've never been" were resounding bells in my soul, the decoding of centuries of history.

I've failed to realized that Universe push our vulnerabilities, our insecurities, I failed to recognize that change is necessary for growth; the other day, I was confused when my landlord said " You need a bigger pot" as I was trying to see why my plant was dying on me, I looked at her, and said "Why?" and she simply laughed and said " Growth needs space, space to extend " and it dawned on me, I was changing and my pot was too small.

110 numbers ago, I started my history book and since then, I've let all of you into the dark corners of my heart, hoping that you too find healing, that you too find direction, or just an amazing piece to read while you rediscover yourself :)