My Relationship with Masculinity

I find myself questioning if I am masculine enough some days. The question comes on days when I am trying to balance masculinity and also very much enjoying femininity.

I didn't know about social constructs until I was 25 years old, that's a lot of life and years to unpack and detach from. Once I learned about social constructs, I realized my standards about masculinity were not my own. Just the little reflection I have written helps me understand why I feel like an imposter in male spaces no matter if it's a cis or trans space. I realized that the spaces I place myself in are not the healthiest masculine environments to be in.

My earliest memory of cisgender norms that shaped some of my views on what masculinity looks like was when a family member got mad at this son for wanting his ears pierced. He quickly replied to the request “Boys don’t pierce their ears unless they are gay.” In that statement, I was confused because it implies that gay men are not men, but I was young, and I didn’t ask questions.

When I was a child, my days were figuring out ways to conform to the idea of “masculinity” I was seeing before me. I would secretly wear boxers when my parents were away, I often raided my father's closet to wear his basketball jerseys, and played any sport that gave me an excuse to be around boys and imitate them freely. I was tired of my family telling me I was being "fast" or "smelling myself". The ear-piercing statement made me wish I had never gotten my ear pieced.

The second experience was my parents sharing their thoughts about how I dressed. They were not strict about whether I shopped in the “boy or girl” section, but they did label it and frequently asked me when I would stop shopping in the “boy” section.

In the trans-masculine community, I see myself and many others fighting so hard to be free with their gender expression, but also fighting so hard to get it right enough for society (as if there is such a thing).

Transitioning, whether socially or medically or both, takes so much resilience, after all, it does always come with loss and grief. When I think about all it takes to stay out of the box society wants you to stay in, when I think about the challenges I have faced and have the strength to tolerate now…. Masculinity doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel good because it involves “trying” and I don’t really want to try, I want to just exist without any expectations. The only box I want to live in is my apartment.

I have experienced much hurt by masculinity and for Trans people there is so much scrutiny. I tried to join a brotherhood, I believe it's super important for me. I've never had any relationships with men outside of my father. Everything was going well in the initial interest, I was meeting very successful black men, and I was spending a lot of time with this man who made me feel like he was going to become a father figure or some sort of mentor. When I told him I was trans, he told me he would no longer be able to help me join this organization. At that moment masculinity became silent and it became lonely.

The reality of this letter is that masculinity is pressure. The best part for me at this time has been the self-discovery. I have learned what I value and what I will not give my time and attention to.