Body Dysmorphia in Men The silent struggle

Every morning I walk bleary-eyed into the bathroom, the daylight streaming in illuminating me in the massive mirror that covers the whole wall. I eye myself up and give myself the once over.

I run through a checklist in my head, it types itself out in my vision as if I were a Terminator.

Initiating self-assessment protocol:

Abs: Analyzing visibility level.

Chest: Evaluating definition.

Shoulders: Scanning for prominence.

Thighs: Assessing power quotient.

Fatigue: Calculating body soreness and overall physical exhaustion level.

Sounds pretty narcissistic right? Maybe so, I put in a lot of hard work in the gym to build my body. I like to see how it develops, I train for power and speed however and not bodybuilding. I maybe don't analyse as much as someone looking for symmetry in their muscles. But I still enjoy the visible outcome of my efforts.

A fit body is something that can't be given, you have to earn it. But......

I've noticed another voice creep in, not the cold assessment of the Terminator, it's a bit more of a winey voice. Maybe it's Morty from Rick and Morty.

"Aw, jeez, I don't know about this... I mean, come on, do you really think anyone's gonna look at you and not cringe? I-I hate to break it to you, but, like, your body, it's not exactly winning any awards, y'know? And those abs, pfft, don't even get me started. They're practically invisible. Shoulders? More like sad little bumps. Thighs, yeah, they're not exactly screaming 'powerful.'

And, uh, fatigue, seriously? You're sore, like, all the time. It's like your body's just falling apart. I mean, come on, can't you see it? It's like a total disaster. I-I don't know, maybe you should do something about it. Just saying, it's not like you're getting any younger, and, uh, this whole situation, it's pretty embarrassing, you know?"

Maybe that's an exaggeration, I'm not that down on myself these days, I used to be when I was in my late teens and early twenties, I listened to that voice, it was the main voice in my head. It still pipes up here and there. "Maybe I need to push harder, maybe I am doing it wrong, do you think my testosterone levels are too low, should I be leaner?" But these days I know how to ignore it.

It's just a small taste of what other guys go through. It's madness, self-critical nonsense, yet it lives in our heads. It's silent because as men we don't talk about it. Yet it chips away at our mental state, making us question ourselves and how we appear to other people, as much as you can say "It doesn't matter what other people think" we can't help but want to show ourselves in the best light.

The effect on confidence is considerable, the fear of being judged for how you look is massive. I know this first-hand. When I mentioned before about the negative voice in my head being the dominant one, I meant it. I've always suffered, being a man who is 5'9" in shoes while all my friends were well over 6' made me feel so lacking. I always felt overlooked and left out, like I couldn't compete, as if I was invisible to all the girls we ever met on a night out.

I would hit the gym to try and carve out a point of difference, to wear tight t-shirts to show that I had big arms, yet wondered if my swollen belly looked ridiculous. Constantly worried that I was too fat, wondering if I even had a jawline like all the men I saw in the media, did I have a defined chin in profile view or was just a swollen throat of skin and no shape. I would agonise in the mirror before going on a night out, looking at the shape of my t-shirts and jeans. Changing clothes, feeling so awkward in my skin, I would try on endless combinations of jeans and shoes to try and make my legs appear longer than they were, I would wear shoes with the biggest heal just to give me a few centimetres of lift, wearing converse all stars was out the question as they revealed my true hight with their honest flat sole.

It was back in the late nineties, I would consume lad mags and men's health, bombarded with fashion advertising and cover models. Looking like this was the key to being liked and accepted and having abundant confidence.

Looking at these images, the ones I remember, the physiques aren't even that crazy. Imagine what men are going through now with the attention economy and the extreme bodies on show 24 hours a day through social media. PEDS are everywhere and an even more unrealistic body standard is thrust upon us. 16-year-olds on PEDS to look like bodybuilders, 20-year-olds taking HRT to get swole, just to get more clicks and feel more accepted into a world that judges based on appearance. Utter madness, risking long-term health, if we dig down a few layers the voice that is saying you are not enough is loud. When everything you consume online reinforces what that whiney Morty voice of body dysmorphia is saying about you inside your own head then you have a problem.

Everyone wants to be an outlier, everyone wants to be noticed, to be validated.

I now focus on health, a side effect of being optimally healthy is a very good physique. I learned to ignore Morty and the Terminator, they never shut up but I have them on mute most of the time. No one looks like a cover model all the time, how you look is dependent on lighting, down lights after a workout and you will look pumped, shreddy Kruger will be out to play.

Look at yourself first thing in the morning in flat light, you will look flat, you won't see those defined muscles.

So if you engage in regular exercise, whether for health, performance, or aesthetic reasons, may find yourself vulnerable to developing body dysmorphia. The constant comparison to fitness influencers and celebrities, combined with the pursuit of an unattainable "perfect" physique, can trigger distorted perceptions of one's own body.

I post images on social media and get trolled because I have an 'average physique' but at this stage in life, i am in control of my inner world and Morty can't get to me. Do it for your self guys and ignore the voices. Perfect is not a real destination, enjoy the journey.