How Do I Get Out of Hell?

I would like to tell you my story and ask your advice as to how to deal with getting this over with

In 2005, when I was 18, I began dating a 44-year-old man (yes, I know now that he totally saw me coming from MILES AWAY). I began dating him because I was never “the girl anyone wanted to date/get to know” and I was afraid to be alone and having never had the attention from boys/men I was just swept away when I finally got it.

He proposed to me (during sex, yes REALLY ROMANTIC AND A STORY I CAN TOTALLY SHARE WITH OTHERS) about 3-4 months after we started dating and his exact words were “you are perfect because you do everything I say.” Back then the only words I latched on to were “you are perfect!” Now I realize he told me EXACTALLY WHY he wanted me.

As time went on, he (and I allowed) the systematic destruction of my identity, my sense of self, my self-esteem, and my mental health. During the dating/engagement time frame of 3 years, there was high verbal manipulation, high mental abuse, and even an account of forced sexual assault upon my person which was excused by me because of my “misinterpretation” of the situation and HE would NEVER hurt me intentionally (his explanation of what “really happened”).

I know I was so conditioned by him by this specific instance that still sticks in my mind: I was in the grocery store and on the grocery list was mustard. I can remember standing in the aisle having a near panic attack because he didn’t specifically mark what brand he specifically wanted, and I knew that if I picked the wrong one I would have to hear about how I never pay attention to him, how I never listen to him, and god only knows what else I would have to hear if I pick the wrong one. Looking back now, I know I should have run far and farther away still and saved myself all the future pain and shit!

In 2008, at age 21, I got my dream career! I became a Correctional Officer at the local Jail for the County Sheriff’s Department! Of course, my success (as I was repeatedly told) was all because of HIM (he used to be a law enforcement officer in the 1980’s!) Discounting the fact that I was in the same Criminal Justice class he was in on MY OWN heading down the road, my road, to becoming a law enforcement officer WHEN WE RECONNECTED! (back in 2005)

This was a dream come true for me, especially since I worked at a local retail store for a year and was given the privilege of supporting the both of us on a yearly budget of $10,000.00, paying ALL the bills ON MY OWN while he didn’t work (even though he was more than physically able to) and he just sat around collecting social security (“free paycheck” from the Government due to being disabled), and never contributed any of “his” money to the joint household.

Now, this was extremely hard because at home I had to be “the follower”, and at work I had to be “the leader”. Can you imagine how “fun” it was to deal with the “mistakes” when I did not “check myself” before I walked into my own home and was still in leader mode in the follower zone?!?!? I have a friend who worked with me, liked me, and thought of me as her daughter, tell me: “How can you wear two masks at the same time? When you are at work you are in charge, you make big decisions, you are a lion! But when you are around your husband, you turn into a mouse with NO VOICE!” At the time I wanted to believe he loved me, and I just could not figure out why people who claim to love me and are my friends could have SO many problems with him, his attitude, and even his treatment of me.

Fast forward to 2013, I became so burned out from working all the time because I didn’t really feel comfortable being at home because no matter how good or bad my day was I could not discuss my day because it would be dissected to point out what HE would have done to be better than me or have had the better outcome from what my outcome was. OR I would talk about my day and if I had a negative interaction with someone on my team (fellow correctional officer/deputy) then it would be dissected and I would be given a point by point explanation of why it was my fault AND it was used on me later in an irrelevant argument to the tune of “see, this is why no one likes you just like [enter example here].” OR I would start talking about my day and I would be dismissed because he’s busy watching TV or something else, BUT when he wanted to talk I would have to stop and listen, literally I would have to sit on the bathroom floor while he was in the shower and he would be telling me about his day and only a few times did I get this “equal” treatment.

So during this time I couldn’t get enough sleep, I never had enough energy for really anything, so I ended up thinking it was my depression (diagnosed with it at age 15/16) coming back and was placed on 1 medication for a few months, and I wasn’t getting better so I was given a “bumper” medication. Fast forward to almost exactly a year later in 2014. Many, many medical tests later I was diagnosed with HIV. Now it was during this discussion with my doctor (over the phone while I was at work) that I realized that not only did he lie to me, but also with the doctor appointments that I attended with my husband, the doctor who I personally interacted with completely lied to my face.

Before we got married (pre-2008), I attended a doctor’s appointment with him (all his appointments). He went in to talk to the doctor, THEN, I was allowed to go in and ask any question.

And I remember word for word, I looked the doctor in the face and said, “Ok, we are here in the big city. We go outside right now and he gets hit by a bus and gets taken to the emergency room and the doctor needs to know any illnesses/diseases, what do I tell this doctor is the problem/issue/disease that he has in order to save his life so we can walk out of the hospital later and he doesn’t die.”

The doctor looked me in the eyes and said, “we simply don’t know. It looks like HIV, acts like HIV, but it’s not.”

I then asked the doctor, “Do I need to get tested now? Is this something I should be concerned about? Could I be infected?”

Again, the doctor looked at me and said, “No, you can’t get it and you have nothing to be worried about.”

Back to 2014 and being diagnosed with HIV, not once did I get an apology from him.

What I got was, “had I known I could give this disease to you, do you think I’m evil enough to willingly do this to you especially since I love you?”

So, things continued downhill and he began to push me down even more emotionally even faster. About 1-2 months after my diagnosis I had just worked 120 hours in 2 weeks. Meaning I worked 12-18 hours shifts for 4 days (regular shifts), worked 8 hours for 5 days (overtime on my days off) and then worked 12-18 hour shifts for 3 days(regular shift), needless to say I was physically exhausted and he decided to pick a fight with me over me being so tired that I don’t come home to clean the house. (again, the previous behavior of me being the only one working and paying the bills while he stayed home doing nothing) this argument went on for 3 hours or more. But shortly after the 3-hour mark of constantly crying, arguing I took an overdose of his prescription sleeping medication.

Long story short… I lost my career, was hospitalized 2 additional times, and was forced to go back to work way too soon before I was ready for fear of losing the ability to have my health insurance and any possible ability to work for the County in any position ever again. So, I became stronger and healthier for myself without him. And anytime I “fell out of line” he would hold over my head that he would have me hospitalized at any time and no one would believe me because I am the crazy bitch who downed medication to die more than once. I felt so alone because the only friends I had were at my work (but I do not work there anymore) and my family was banned from the house (by him) because they hate him and he does not know why.

So, on April 1, 2017, There was this one night that I was not falling in line with something and he ended up calling MY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT ON ME (to get me taken away as a danger to myself). It was that night I decided to myself, I do not care what it takes, or what it costs, or how alone I feel, I WILL NOT CONTINUE TO LIVE WITH THIS MAN! Needless to say, nothing with the Sheriff’s Department happened that night, I was not taken away, and he was left looking like the no power idiot he tries so hard to keep hidden.

So, I decided this is it! I am done, and I began to look for a divorce attorney. There was an air of “you know you cannot survive without me, you will never make it on your own, and you will never find someone who loves you like I do” that was coming off of him. Almost like a parent allowing a child to pack a suitcase because they want to run away only to walk out the door and realize that they MUST return to the parent because the child really has no life skills to function. But he was SO surprised to find out this was not a bluff and I WILL have you out of my life. Which proves he has never known me at all! I was a very petite child and my whole life growing up, especially from my peers, the attitude I have always held was, “I may be a girl, I may be small, and you say I cannot do [enter nearly anything here], and they are wrong, I am going to do it and I cannot wait to see the looks on their faces when I succeed!” That is how I have always been. The more you tell me that I am a girl and therefore cannot do whatever, the harder I fight to succeed.

Finally, the divorce paperwork hit the courthouse in October of 2017……… I am writing to you now in April of 2020, because this is NOT OVER! I do not understand why he is not letting go. I am not a millionaire so it is not like I have a shit ton of money that would make any life altering difference to anyone. He has never once asked to be taken back (mainly because I know he knows my answer would be not only a NO but a FUCK NO!) and with his ego being so big now that it is on the record that HE left ME, he WILL NEVER ASK me back he will wait for me to come crawling back. I do not believe that should God strike me down and I have to crawl in order to get around for the rest of my life that I would NEVER EVER ASK to be taken back into that life of hell that I lost everything, and I am now so much better and so much stronger than I ever was.

Other than having to wait on the courts to do their thing to finish this crap up, the facts are that I AM SO DONE since April of 2017, I want to move on I want to be left alone, I want to get on with my life, but I cannot because HE KEEPS HANGING ON! I do not see what it is that I have that is this “life support” system that he needs to survive for the reason why he has not just walked away or give up. Can you help me try to understand why he keeps hanging on at his determent, why he will not go away, why won’t he give up?