What is Grief?

What is grief? Grief is pain and numbness. It’s feeling everything and nothing. Grief is not wanting to believe that death has arrived. Grief is red hot anger, because why is this happening? Grief is the question of what if you had done something differently, would things have ended the same way? Grief is hollow and empty, but sad and painful at the same time. Most importantly, grief is finally realizing that no matter what happened, you did your best with the circumstances you were given.

Grief is inevitable. It lies next to death. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that once you get on, you can’t get off until you go through every loop. With every incline, a high point, a day of dry eyes, there has to be a drop. The day that you can’t stop thinking about who you lost. The day where everything reminds you of them. The drop of the coaster brings pain and tear-filled eyes. The butterflies in the pit of your stomach should be good, but they’ll remind you of fear and anxiety.

Grief is cold and harsh. No matter how many blankets you crawl under, the chill in your bones never leaves. Only the warmth of moving on can bring the feeling back to your fingertips. Grief leaves you thirsty. No amount of alcohol can take away that dryness. It leaves your throat sore from the desert. You've lost count of how many empty bottles fill the trash.

Grief is denial. You can’t let your person go. You shouldn’t have to. Your loved one can’t truly be gone, can they? Sure, it had been a while since you’d seen them, so it won’t truly feel like they’re gone. They’ll still be with you on the other side if you believe in that sort of thing. This can’t be happening. They’re still here. They have plenty of time left. You can’t believe this is happening.

Grief is anger. How dare they get sick! How dare you let this happen! Why couldn’t you stop it? Why didn’t you do more? You let them die scared and alone. You could have made their last moments better had you taken the action to do so. After all the things you’ve done, it still wasn’t enough. It’s your fault they’re gone. You could have done more. No, the doctors should have done their job. No, it’s cancer’s fault. No, it’s- shut up!

Grief is bargaining. You just need a little more time. The end is near, you know that, but you need some more time. You need to show them you love them. What if you fail? You need to put them at ease. They need to know the truth. Did they know you were there? Did they know they weren't alone? What if they thought you didn’t care? You have to make things right. Maybe if you don't sleep tonight, you can make up for the time that you were sleeping when they slipped from your grasp. If only you had more time. If only life was the same before their death, then you’d be happier. You need some more time. It was supposed to be enough, but you were surely cheated. It wasn’t enough time. It’s never enough time.

Grief is depression. Grief is darkness and despair. Everything is different. The world is dark. Your face is lined with tears. You haven’t left your room in days. Your chest feels empty. Your heart is broken. Your limbs ache. Your mind is racing. Life is hopeless and bleak. A blackened world with no hope. There’s nothing left for you if you don’t have your person. What are you supposed to do now? How do you go on? You want to be alone right now. The idea of being around anyone makes you tired and hopeless. You'd have to put on a brave face and tell everyone that you're okay when that's the farthest thing from the truth.

Grief is acceptance. It’s knowing that your person will never come back to you in a form that you can recognize. You couldn’t have prevented their illness. You couldn’t heal them. You’re not magic. You spent time with them. You made sure they felt loved. Everything is okay. They lived a life and you were lucky enough to be a part of it. You did your best. They are proud of you.

Grief is emotional. It’s ugly. It’s the truth of life. There’s no hiding from death. It finds you in any part of the world, in the deepest, darkest corners. Death is unforgiving and relentless. Death always comes along and brings grief with him.

Grief is tiring. It's staying up for two days straight until your eyes burn to stay open. It's keeping yourself distracted from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep because you don't want to be left alone with your thoughts. Grief gives you insomnia so badly that you can't remember what drifting off into the dream world is even like. It robs you of your rest but leaves your tired body to lay restlessly on the mattress, counting sheep over a fence until the herd runs out. On the reverse, it makes you sleep so much, just so you can get a break from what's going on around you. No matter how much you rest, your eyelids are always heavy with sleep.

Grief is painful. It's a sharp knife that stabs into your chest over and over again. It's a demon in the darkest parts of your mind that hides away until you least expect it, surprising you and leaving you hurting more than ever. It sucks the shine of your soul and makes you cold until your skin no longer glows with energy.

Grief is all about accepting that people aren’t meant to live forever. They age and they die. It’s the saying that “it’s not about the destination, but the journey.” Grief is wanting to have them back, but knowing they’re in a better place, and that’s okay. One day, you’ll be there too, but by then, grief will have lifted its heavy hand, and you'll move on.