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What if Morning People Were the Lazy Ones?

by Kirsty Kendall 4 months ago in satire · updated 4 months ago
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A thought experiment of a world where night owls are the model citizens

Image by Getty Images Signature / Canva

I’ve always been a morning lark. Going to school was hard for me. The school day was usually from 4 pm to 10 pm. I preferred to be in bed by 9 pm.

Sometimes, I fell asleep during the last class of the day. As a result, I got detention and got home to sleep even later.

My night owl classmates went hunting mice after school. They hunted all night and went to bed in the morning. I asked them how they had energy for hunting, school, and homework.

They said I would also have more energy if I didn’t sleep all night. My teacher agreed, so what could I say?

The Nightmare of a 2 to 10 Job

I thought the torture of staying up late was over when I graduated from college. I was wrong.

I got a job in an IT company. The working hours were from 2 pm to 10 pm. That was an earlier schedule than in some other companies, but still too late for me.

I tried to sleep late in the morning, but I always woke up at 6 am. Because of my work, I didn’t get to bed until midnight. I always felt sluggish at work.

My owl co-workers were allowed to arrive late at work. Because of their hunting schedule, they didn’t start their workday until 4 pm.

I was naive and thought maybe I would be allowed to go to work earlier. I asked my boss if I could start my workday even two hours earlier, at noon.

My employer was a handsome barn owl. His white face made his black eyes look even blacker. When he stared at me, I felt like he saw right through me.

My boss said no. He thought I might steal something if I was at the office alone. He didn’t trust morning larks. Instead, he asked me to see a doctor and fix my attitude.

So, I went to see a physician. The doctor said I had a sleep disorder. He prescribed me some amphetamine. That would help me stay awake at decent hours.

The following day I took a pill at work. I felt alert and was able to work until 11 pm. For the first time, my boss looked pleased with me.

I continued coding at home. I stayed up all night. It almost felt like wings were growing in my back. I felt invincible.

I pictured myself flying by moonlight, listening. The sound of a mouse would send me sliding down in seconds.

The next evening at work, I felt tired again. I fell asleep at my desk. When I woke up, the owls were watching me disapprovingly with their huge eyes. I felt like a loser.

By Ahmed Badawy on Unsplash

I Started My Own Business, But Everyone Still Thought I Was Lazy

I was always sleepy. I couldn’t reach my full potential because I didn’t get to work when I was most alert. My employer only allowed flexible working hours for the owls.

I quit my job and started my own business. For the first time in my life, I got to work when I was alert and sleep when I was tired.

I went to bed at 10 pm and woke up at 6 am. I did some morning yoga and worked from 8 am to 4 pm.

If I had a doctor’s or a dentist’s appointment, I still had to stay up late, though. It seemed impossible to get to see a doctor earlier than 10 pm.

If I asked for an earlier appointment, the receptionist on the phone said:

“A lazy morning lark, huh? We don’t have available appointments before 10 pm until in two years and eight months.”

I didn’t want to wait two years and eight months to see a doctor. So, I always bit my tongue and booked the 10 pm appointment.

I had the freedom to choose my schedule at home, but I had to lie about it. I never told anyone what time I went to bed, woke up, and worked. If I did, people would preach to me how lazy I was. They said my lifestyle was unhealthy, and I would die before my 40th birthday.

I read blog posts like “10 Things Every Person Should Do After 10 pm”. They annoyed the hell out of me. The only thing I wanted to do after 10 pm was to sleep!

Society Is Wrong

I think it’s wrong that society forces morning people to become night owls. After all, research shows that some people have the night owl gene while others do not.

It’s time to give up on outdated ideas from when people were still hunter-gatherers. In modern society, most people work on their computers. It doesn’t matter what time of the day you do office work.

A minority of us are night owls. Yet everyone is expected to work at times that suit the owls.

I admit that sometimes, I still picture myself flying in a forest at night. I would hunt voles all night, vomit pellets, and happily go to bed at sunrise. And no one would call me lazy!

You might also like:

5 Insanely Productive Reasons to Stay up Until 5 am Every Night

satire

About the author

Kirsty Kendall

MA in literature. Writer, unicorn lover, snail mom. I write about autism, business, life… Buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/kkendall

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