The (Kind Of) Virgin Birth In Africa

When you think of a miracle you think of angels singing. The pure goodness of everyone involved paints the scene with a faint golden glow. Not all miracles fit the stereotype. Sometimes they involve a knife fight, a blow job, and a genetic defect. This is the story of how one woman managed to give birth despite impossible odds without ever having sex.

Like all good miracles, this one starts with a young girl. Though there isn't a manger, farm animals, or any of the other things we associate with a virgin birth it does start in almost as unlikely a place for a miracle. A bar. The fifteen-year-old at the center of our miracle worked there. While working her shift, our little miracle decided that work was a good place for a little oral experimentation.

She was caught in the act by her former boyfriend. He didn't approve of what she was doing. He also didn't approve of his status as a former boyfriend. He felt that the best way to reinstate his status as her current boyfriend instead of a former boyfriend was with a knife. Neither the girl or her new boyfriend agreed.

The girl and her new boyfriend also pulled their knives, and they had a very painful three-way with her ex-boyfriend. Everyone involved in the fight survived. The girl had mostly minor injuries, but there was a single serious stab wound in her abdomen. A laparotomy was performed and they repaired two slices to her internal organs. Both her stomach and uterus needed repair because of a single slice that went through her stomach and to her uterus. The repair was quick and easy. It was casually mentioned in the surgical notes that her stomach was empty at the time. The girl recovered quickly and was discharged after ten days.

278 days later, which is just two days short of a nine-month pregnancy, the same girl was admitted to a local hospital complaining of abdominal pain. Despite a swelling abdomen, she was adamant that she wasn't pregnant. The doctors ran some tests and discovered she was wrong. They went to deliver her baby and discovered why she was so sure she wasn't pregnant. This delivery might not be quite as simple as they thought. There was only a dimple where her vagina should be.

Though confused the doctors' answers to this impossibility would have to wait. They had a baby and that baby was ready to be delivered right now. They prepped her for a c-section since a natural birth was impossible. After the baby was born curiosity could only wait so long. The doctors sent in a sympathetic nurse to encourage her to tell the story and to check on the poor girl.

The patient was more than ready to talk. She shared the above story along with the fact that it never occurred to her that she could have children. She was aware of the fact that it was considered impossible. It was extremely close to impossible. She had to have:

A completely empty stomach and it had to be devoid of stomach acid.

Have just had her first ovulation or very close to it. After a few ovulations, excessive thickening of the lining of her uterus would occur thanks to her condition. It would have made the implantation of an egg in her uterine lining impossible.

Not to mention she needed to be stabbed in a knife fight.

So there you have it. It's either a miracle or a statistical anomaly. Either way, we have the modern-day virgin birth story. The son does resemble his father. Which makes other possibilities for a virgin birth unlikely. If there is a moral to be found in this most unlikely of virgin births it's that you should never believe a guy when he says you don't need a condom.