Losing Loved Ones

by Kailee Stoffle 2 years ago in grief

It made me stronger.

Losing Loved Ones

One of the hardest things anyone will go through in life is losing someone they love. Losing someone close to you is like getting thrown in water and you’re trying to swim, but you can’t; you’re drowning. You keep gasping for air, but you aren’t getting any.

In 2015, I lost my best friend Rozlyn. Even though she is not even close to being the first person I lost, she was one of the ones that really broke me. In 2016, I lost my friend Ben. I will not pretend that he was my closest friend or that I was one of his because I wasn’t. Losing him did hurt me though because he became close with Rozlyn. Since I was so close to her, he and I became friends. Now we are in 2017. Just last week I lost my cousin Justin. Growing up I lived with my uncles, dad, aunt, and grandpa. But Justin was always there as well. He basically lived with us; he and my uncles were like my brothers. I wish I could explain the feeling I have right now, but I can’t. Losing three people in two years, especially the way they went is not something anyone should have to go through. I do not know how I should be feeling right now. Should I be crying? Should I be angry? Should I be devastated, heartbroken, lost, confused…? I am feeling those things, all at once. But what do you call that?

You call that life, I suppose. Some find good in everything, while some find bad in everything. Sometimes I envy those people who find good in everything, but at the same time I am not that naïve. I’m a little strange. I see the good and bad in people; I see the good that they have, but I expect the bad to come out. Most people only see the good or the bad. When someone new comes in my life, I stay very cautious. I usually don’t allow many people to get that close to me. I don’t let people get close because eventually, they will leave me. This is not because of Rozzy, or Ben, or Justin; I was like this since before I lost them. I don’t know how to let anyone in completely, and if by some miracle someone does, I still keep my guard up. This is just a defense mechanism, there are pros and cons to having this.

After Rozlyn died, it made me stronger. Don’t get me wrong, I was completely destroyed for a long time. But in the long run, it changed me. I stopped caring about the little things that didn’t matter, I stopped giving people a million chances, and I focused more on myself rather than taking care of everyone else around me. I grew up. If Ben died just a few months after Roz, I would have never offered to help his brother. I would have liked to, but I wouldn’t be able to because I was still broken. Now it’s just a couple weeks after Justin died. I’m drowning all over again. I will admit I’m doing much better than I was when Rozzy died, but I think that’s just because I know what to expect. Instead of mostly crying, I’m mostly angry. I’ve noticed that I just hate everything, I get annoyed easily, I’m stressed out, I’m forgetting things, and it feels like I’m losing my mind. I got like this a few months after Rozlyn died. After Roz, it was a long time before I could even think about her without crying. It still hurts, and now it hurts even worse now that I lost Justin. I’m angry.

I’m a hypocrite… I have been in their footsteps. I have wanted to just end it all, and give up on everyone and everything. I have been pushed past my breaking point to many times. I have wanted to die; hell, I have even tried. That was long before Rozlyn, and I have never tried since. I saw what it did to her family and I never wanted them to feel that kind of pain again. Now my family has been through it. I hate them for what they did, but I understand why. However, they destroyed the people around them. I hate them, and I hate myself for thinking the same way they did.

One day I was asked what I would say or do to Rozlyn if she stood right in front of me. My response was that I would punch her, then hug her. Then I would tell her that I hate her, and then I would say that I love her. Confusing right? Can you imagine how I feel now that I have lost Justin? It feels like I have been kicked in the stomach. His funeral was in the same place as Rozlyn’s, and I fell apart in the same spot I did at Rozzy’s. As bad as this sounds, I’m glad they didn’t kill themselves the same way. I don’t think I would be able to handle it.

With everything that I am feeling, you’d think that I would be in a dark place. I am in extreme pain, but I will get through all of this. I want to give up. I want all this pain to go away. I am so tired of losing everyone that I love or care about. I want it to end, but I will not give up. I am going to school for counseling. I will help people with the same problems as myself, Rozlyn, and Justin. I will persevere, I will accomplish my goal, and I will get through all of the darkness. I won’t let myself be taken away in the waves that try and drown me. I’m suffocating, but I will swim through. If I am broken, I will pick up my own pieces and glue myself back together if that’s what it takes to get to where I want to be. I don’t need anyone picking me up when I am down, I can and will get back up and blow through the darkness. I’ll be okay. "All you need to do is see the rainbow in the rain." "Everything will be okay in the end; if it’s not okay, it’s not the end."

Kailee Stoffle
Kailee Stoffle
Read next: Best Running Shoes for Women