How I "Got Over" My Mama's Death

On March 30, 2019 at approximately 7:30am cst, though the death certificate will read about 11:45am, my world came to a halt, stopped completely, then crashed down around me. For at that moment in time, my mama, my best friend, the only person whose heartbeat I have ever heard from within, passed from this life.

The days that followed were a blur. I'll spare the details and focus on the topic at hand.

Let me start by saying that I am not a professional grief counselor. I do not have training, I have never been to college. I just know the following to be truths that have helped.

Truth Number One:

Everyone grieves individually.

Like a pregnancy, every death you experience, you'll experience differently. I can't count the number of losses of loved ones I've had. From the time I can first remember being in a funeral home to the present, I have grieved dozens and dozens of times. Some deaths were simply sadness at the sudden absence of a life. Others, like Mama's, crumbled me to varying degrees (hers by far, has hurt the most).

One thing I've found throughout them all: each one affected me differently.

Truth Number Two:

Everyone processes individually.

Cry if you need to. Ugly cry if it helps. Write down your feelings, talk to a friend, watch your favorite movie. If it helps to talk about the person who passed, talk freely. If it hurts too much, bottle them up in the pretty box inside your heart, but don't hold in your emotions. It's toxic (trust me, I hold everything in until it bubbles over, I know these things).

If you're angry, be angry, but be angry in a positive way. Don't break things (unless you're demoing a room in your house, that could be healthy). Scream into a pillow, but not at anyone (unless you have a best friend with the biggest shoulders and they know not to take it personally).

After my mama passed, I collected some of her belongings (the most sentimental to me) and drove home. What should've been a 9-hour trip turned into over 12. I had a two-month old son I'd left behind in order to go see mama. I had a husband who wasn't doing well with being left with a two-month old.

I was the sole provider for our son both physically and emotionally. Our son didn't sleep for longer than two hours. I was the only one who rose when he rose, fed him when he was hungry, changed diapers.

Bless his heart, my husband handled most of the communications with my stepdad and stepsister as they arranged the funeral. I gave input where I could and arrangements were made. This went on for five days. Finally, on day 5, the night before the funeral, I put my baby to bed, sat down on the couch and I ugly sobbed. I didn't cry, I sobbed.

I haven't ugly cried like that since the pressure cooker erupted, but there have been a handful of times where I broke in the two years since. And that's okay.

Truth Number Three:

No one will be affected by a person's passing the same way as you are.

A short time after my mama's passing, I read a quote or article that was in essence, that no one's death will affect anyone else the same way it affects you. I wish I could find again, because I wanted to get the quote correct, but I haven't been able to.

Mama only had one child of her own (I guess she stopped cause she reached perfection) but even if I'd had nine other siblings, not a single one would feel the same pain or be affected the same way as I.

We had our inside jokes. We had thirty-plus years of memories. We had thirty-plus years of knowledge of the other. Her husband was affected differently. His daughter, even more differently than he and I.

That can be an isolating thought, because no one can truly say "I know how you feel". Even if they lost the same relation (in my case, a mama), they didn't have the same relationship as I had. Maybe they were even closer to their mama than I was to mine, maybe they weren't as close. They can empathize. But I've also found it to be comforting in that, if they knew my grief, it wouldn't be my own.

Grief is as unique as each individual person and there's no cookie-cutter way to get through it. Which leads me to:

Truth Number Four:

You will not "get over it".

I don't believe anyone ever affected by the loss of a loved one "gets over" their passing; I believe we "get through" it. Some get through it as easily as a hot knife cutting through warm butter; some, like a butter knife sawing through cold steel. You'll get through at your own pace and please don't let anyone make you feel less than for taking longer (or even shorter) of a time than they did.

Two and a half years later, I am not as _____________ (fill in the blank--crushed, sad, numb, etc.) as I was when mama first passed. I can talk about her with joy, but sometimes I tear up with pain. I can sometimes celebrate her birthday but sometimes it's a struggle.

Don't you dare compare yourself to me though. If it's been two years and you still can't talk about your loved one--that's okay! You do you.

Time doesn't always heal; sometimes it just scabs over, but that's okay.

Do:

Take your time to grieve.

Talk to loved ones, or a counselor if needed, about your feelings, even if it's too soon to talk about the person.

Find a safe, healthy way to express your emotions--cry, write, draw, knit, crochet, build things, etc.

Don't:

Destructively or unhealthily express your feelings.

Bottle up your emotions and hold things inside.

Rush the healing process.