How Cancer Broke My Heart

Nothing prepares you for the news. Your own mother cannot even prepare you for how cancer is about to change her.

As a young girl, I confided in my parents; I took what I was told and if I didn't like it, I buried it away. However, burying away abnormal cell division is impossible.

My mother passed away in 2016, but I began to lose her years before that. At twelve years old, I was introduced to a new reality I would have never imagined. Maturity was forced upon me when I did not ask for it. Life became black and white, there were no more grey's to go through.

You see, cancer is not a one man target. It attacks everyone around it, introducing its new hosts to misery, hopelessness, and heartbreak. Before you know it, there is an entire community suffering. As I watched this disease take away my best friend, my keeper, my first home, I found myself feeling empty- like everything I've ever known was being taken away from me one day at a time.

During the hysteria, the days seemed exhausting, but before we knew it, my father and I were left to make new arrangements. I have witnessed hell too many times in this lifetime, but burying my mother will forever remain on top of it all.

I was left with a heavy burden at only 18 years old. As grown as it sounds, I felt smaller than ever. It is a weight on my shoulders that never seems to give me a break. Waking up in pain every morning and having that same pain lie down next to you every night is a suffering I had never been exposed to. Any heartache I had felt before was always healed by the presence of my now angel. She knew the right words, she had the perfect touch. Losing her became the first heartbreak I had to overcome on my own.

Beforehand, I expected the world to stop spinning for us; to give us a chance to become okay again, but the truth is, the world does not stop for anyone, not even for the one who deserved it most. Others question how I handle grieving so well and the only answer I can come up with is, "I have no choice." There are bad days, there are worse than bad days, but there are also days that feel warm, like I am home again.

This would not be worth telling if I did not find a way to mend my own heart. In only a short time, my mom taught me a lifetime worth of lessons that will remain with me until I join her. She taught me love. She taught me kindness. She taught me purity. It is because of the beautiful way she lived her life that I can continue to pursue mine. She will forever be my heart and that is why it is so full. The mourning never ends, but you learn to make it beautiful, to give you strength.

She took all of my fears with her, freeing me of any tendencies to hold back. She led me to the bravery it takes to dive into the trickiest situations because the outcome will never lessen my character. She led me to believe in the beauty of love and how important it is to always keep your heart open- to both give and receive. She freed me of any hesitance to speak on my own true feelings. Knowing pain takes away the scariness of ever having to feel it. The familiarity dares you to open up even with the possibility of loss.

Cancer broke my heart, but an angel made sure it did not break me.