Grief

Yes. We’re all human. Which means we have relationships. Healthy ones, toxic ones, with family, with friends and naturally with certain people who are maybe a little bit more than just a friend...? But I think we can agree that those relationships all bring something unique and different into our lives. Whether that’s happiness, stability, fun, support. The list goes on and on and on. But sometimes when you lose these people you love, it’s the most painful thing in the world. Now, reading this won’t fix your problems. It won’t heal the wounds in your heart- trust me, you wouldn’t belive the amount of blogs, books & articles I’ve read on how to process my emotions properly, how to get over break-ups, how to deal with bereavement - truth is, none of them made me magically feel better. None of them pulled me out of my grief and pain. But I hope that you can read this today and if you take away only one thing, let it be this: It’s not a crime to be sad. You don’t have to pretend that you’re okay, you don’t always have to be strong & you definitely don’t have to fear losing toxic relationships...okay that was three but give me a break, my maths is shocking. If I’m being 100% honest I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve cried on the bus, at work, at college, on my own, in my friends arms, on the shoulder of someone untrustworthy. I really have lost count. But I don’t think that makes me weak. Jesus if anything that makes me strong. My bad days make my good days amazing ones, my depression makes my happiness the most precious thing in the world & most importantly everyone’s tears can be wiped away, scars heal & painful moments just become painful memories. And that really is the truest thing I’ve ever written.

You may think that because I’m writing so openly on here, to people I don’t know, it means that I share my feelings openly all the time- truth is, I don’t. Ive always hidden my emotions, especially my sadness because I’ve never felt stable showing vulnerability. I realise now that I was foolish to do that. I’m writing so openly here about these personal things because I wish someone had been there to tell me that it was okay to be heart-broken when when my grandad died and that I didn’t have to pretend my life was perfect when I was actually losing a baby. I wish someone had told me that these things are supposed to hurt. That you’re not supposed to wake up everyday and hide your tears until you’re alone again. I wish someone had told me that I didn’t have to pretend that I was fine when my heart felt tight every second of everyday because I knew my grandad wouldn’t be there when I got home. Or when I was in so much physical pain because I was losing a baby at 15 years old or even when my dad ended up leaving us- well, my mum has been the best dad I’d ever need so, I guess I’m okay with that now. I don’t write openly about these things now because I don’t care about them anymore- God no!! I write about them now because these words come from my heart which... do you know what. It’s healed now, It really has.

Now, talking about loss means inevitably talking about the D word. Depression. Which is so hard to do when you think a lot of people will read your writing- ( I said I think, not that I know, I’m not too vain.) everyone handles it differently. I repeat. EVERYONE handles it DIFFERENTLY. But something I notice a lot, is the amount of friends you lose when you’re going through depression. Can I just say- if these ‘friends’ leave you when you’re at your lowest, they never deserved you in the first place. The way I look at it, if they don’t want to be there for you when you’re low, it sucks to be them when you’re feeling great again because they’ll be missing out. I think I’m actually writing this to show people that it does get better. Trauma stays with you, for the longest time- I won’t lie, sometimes it does feel like it will never end. But it does all I can do is leave you with things I’ve learned from my mistakes:

•Don’t push your family away, pushing my mum away in my times of emotional instability is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Why? Because I bloody love her. If you have problems in your home life, then I understand- sometimes it’s not as easy to be close to your mum or dad, but don’t push away the people who love you unconditionally. Family or not, love is love.

•Don’t feel ashamed to seek anti-depressants or greif counselling. Never seeking either of these things is something I deeply regret.

•Grief isn’t just something you feel after someone close to you has died. You can grieve the loss of a friend, a lover, a pet, a family member you can grieve anything you’ve lost that you loved deeply. People act like grief is a narrow street, it’s really not. Everyone feels pain like it one day, but you don’t have to fear it.

•Things get better. Life moves forward, just please- stay a part of it and finish the rest of your story

•my favourite quote ever is: “if you were thirsty, you wouldn’t drink poison” which is so undeniably deep because it’s so undeniably true. You don’t have to help toxic people, you don’t have to pay them any mind- especially if you’re recovering from loss, grief & depression.

•Finally, as I mentioned before, I’m not writing this to try and act like I can counsel you & guide you to a better life. Grief takes time, I know that. But it’s not shameful. If people don’t understand the situation you’re in, you never have to explain it to them if you don’t want to. Not everyone will understand and that’s okay. Unfortunately, acknowledging other people’s depression & sadness isn’t always something other people can do. Everyone is different- but you always come first! Work on helping yourself before you give someone else a hand :)

Here’s a few helpline numbers if you’re in need of help, but just don’t know how to say it to anyone close to you yet:

CALM is the Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15 to 35. Phone: 0800 58 58 58 (daily, 5pm to midnight)

MIND Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems. Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm)

For bereavement: Phone: 0808 808 1677 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm)

You don’t always have to deal with everything on your own... I learned that the hard way. But there’s so many people out there who will listen! Sometimes reaching out for help is the h a r d e s t thing in the world, but sometimes it really helps.

My DM’s are always open. (@lennibashi)

Love to you all, always

-L x