Vote it Off the Island

I tried all the New Year's Resolutions. I was going to exercise. I was going to buy organic, free-range everything. I was going to go to the farmer's market every week, even in the rain. I was going to change my sheets as often as they tell you to change your sheets. I was going to floss.

You know how these things work out. I still floss, but that has more to do with a job I had working for a dentist after college. He would take his entire staff to his continuing education seminars, and I spent a memorable weekend at the LAX Marriott looking at twenty-foot blow up slides of gum disease. I was the financial secretary; I didn't need to see that. But I still floss.

I'm back; I just changed my sheets.

Only one New Year's Resolution has purely worked out, when I practice it. It is this: Throw One Thing Out Every Day. Or give it away. Sell it, if you can. It does not matter what the thing is. Just get it out of your house. It doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to be something you would rather keep. I'm not the lady who tells you you only need ten books in your house; that's kooky talk. You don't have to turn your house into a page from an Ikea catalogue or a Japanese tea house. I am not coming after your throw pillows, because I do not want someone coming after mine.

Start with the low-hanging fruit. Look in your refrigerator. See those leftovers that you will never actually use? Trash. Throw then out and you're done for the day. Or maybe you will get caught up in your success and the elderly bananas in the fruit bowl-- which will never become banana bread, who are you kidding-- can join the leftovers in the trash.

Now, don't overdo it the first day. If this turns into a kitchen cleaning you'll never start again. Get yourself a nice beverage and have a sit down.

If you keep on going in the kitchen the next day, open a cabinet. How many cans do you have to check until you find a sketchy expiration date? If it's not that bad, maybe that's dinner you're holding. If it's bad, it's trash. If it's very bad, call the bomb squad. Those things you bought just to try, and then never tried? This is your decision point. Try it or trash it. If the expiration date is still fine, there's a food drive somewhere. Imagine your kitchen with only food someone in your house might eat!

Are you an almost-finished person? I ask because I am an almost-finished person. I can get ninety percent through a box of cereal in a week, put it back on the shelf, and not touch it again for three years. Cereal boxes are notorious; everyone in the family likes several different kinds, and pretty soon you have Aisle Five at Kroeger's happening in your pantry. Sweet cereals can be combined with a handful of mini marshmallows for a movie-night snack. Others can become savory snack mix (you know the stuff). High-fiber adult cereals should be finished off by the low-fiber adults.

You are successfully getting stuff in the trash. The trick remains: Don't Do Too Much. Just get one thing in the trash every day. Do not do an epic day of cleaning that you will remember for decades to come. Do not flop into bed exhausted two hours past your bedtime. Just try to see how quickly you can find something, trash it, and be done.

Ladies (and some gents), here is another motherload: nail polish. I have a terrific collection. I used to buy nail polish just because it was a color I didn't have yet. I still have a couple dozen bottles.

I haven't worn nail polish in ten years.

Trash.

Except...

You don't have to throw out sentimental favorites. But there are always bottles that can hit the can. Along with that hairbrush you used for a while but never liked, the expired sunblock, the foundation that didn't quite match but you paid too much for, the almost-finished toothpaste, and the waxed floss you bought when the store didn't have woven.

There are only a handful of rules here:

1. Don't do too much. Seriously, one thing out of your house every day is the goal. If you wear yourself out you'll quit. You should look forward to this, not dread it. Think of it as a reverse treasure hunt.

2. Sentimental value counts. Is that the bottle of nail polish you bought for your wedding day and it's all dried out? You can keep that. Of course you can, and you don't have to explain it to anybody.

3. Never throw out someone else's stuff. I live alone, so I am the only problem child. But there are some epic family stories. Ask my mother about her favorite green dress. My father went to his grave unshriven for that one. See if you can get your family or roommates to take part in your project, but understand if it's just you.

Writing this has encouraged me to redouble my efforts. The stained Tupperware with no lids? The lids to containers I can't remember, let alone find? The spice I bought for a recipe I made once, years ago? VHS tapes for a player I tossed out? Notes for classes for the graduate degree I should never have gotten in the first place?

But that is another story. I am tossing them out. I don't want to have to remember things just because I come across mementos. I shall part with them, one day at a time. I will have more space in my house and my head.

Try it.