Twigs of Torment

When you go to live in a foreign country you research well before you go, you want to know everything about the way of life; what you should and shouldn’t do; what you can expect from day-to-day life. And for me the most important was what and how I would eat. 14 years ago, I did exactly this.

Where did I research? What is considered the authoritative guide to visiting other countries? – especially those, that I, at the time, considered exotic. Obviously the “The Lonely Planet Guide” was my go-to resource, and in all honesty, it was mostly a good, informative guide.

Apart from one important point.

What point? - “Thailand abandoned chopsticks in the 19th century. You’ll get a spoon and fork but no knife.”

No, it didn’t!

This was, to me, an important consideration and I don’t know where this travel guide has gained this impression because from the first day I arrived I have been apologising for my lack of dexterity with two similarly sized twigs.

This came to a head recently at yet another restaurant that, by default, arms its guests with chopsticks only and requires any of us that lack the skills to loudly admit our digital deficiencies and request more familiar implements. After nine years my wife finally lost her patience, demanding that it is time I learn to use chopsticks, reminding me that I live in Thailand and intend to remain here, so it’ll be easier on everyone (she means herself, as she is the one that has to ask every time) if I just learn to use them.

For me it won’t be easier, but I decided that it was probably better to not mention that fact right then.

I have never mastered the use of chopsticks as I have, for as long as I can remember, suffered with poor fine motor skills, and rather than try to do something about it I have spent my life avoiding situations that will challenge this problem. As in the past I tried the very weak argument of cultural appropriation – I know, I know, it’s a total non-argument but I was hoping it would just, once again deflect the issue.

Now my wife speaks good English and understands much, but I knew this would stump her and hoped that like many times in the past she would just move swiftly on rather than admit she didn’t understand. But no, not this time. This time she demanded an explanation.

“You know, like when people in other countries dress in traditional Thai clothes for parties and stuff.” Was met with a quizzical look. “It’s insulting Thai people.” I tried to explain.

“Why?”

“Because it’s your traditional dress.”

“So?”

“It offends Thai people.”

“No, it doesn’t, we like it, we think foreigners look cute in Thai dress.” So that argument wasn’t going to work.

Research was obviously the way to go here. And so, I retired to Google sure that I would find a watertight argument for the abolition of the evil chopstick.

And now I’m absolutely sold on the idea of mastering their use.

Did you know that the humble chopsticks were first used around 5000 years ago – and probably were, just as I have already described them – twigs.

It seems that around the time of Confucius there was a shortage of resources and they found by cutting food into small pieces it would cook quicker and therefore use less resources – and chopsticks just happened to be the perfect implement to use in this type of cooking.

Of course, Confucius helped their popularity by announcing that “the honourable and upright man…allows no knives at the dinner table.” A rule still followed in Thailand even when chopsticks are not used - I had always wondered why the spoon and fork were the norm here and now that question is answered!

Another suggestion is that using chopsticks can improve your memory. Now this might be a persuasive argument for their use, maybe next time I write I won’t need to keep taking breaks to try and remember the word that I wanted to use next! but it’s not the argument that finally convinced me.

There is also improved coordination – again persuasive, but the final argument is the best.

By eating with chopsticks, you eat more slowly, you chew more, your body digests the food more easily – the result of all of this? Your body senses you are full, when you are full not when you have effectively overeaten by shoveling down forkfuls of food faster than the body can process it, which means just using the humble twigs I can lose weight and not even notice that I’m doing it – I’m sold!